Friday the Thirteenth Fanfiction Dissected
Children, let us gather around the campfire once more for a sampling of fanfiction gathered from across the tubes. For tonight, I bring you a series written by a young lady known as Sam the Vampire. It is called "New Friends," followed by the unfinished as of now "Dead Friends," and it-
Oh no, no, no! Don't eat it now! I understand it looks very tempting, but like any meat at a bonfire fest, it must be... roasted.
Anyway, this story begins rather similarly to the famous Twilight series. A pale, self-conscious brunette comes to a new school, meets a stranger with a secret, and befriends his mysterious comrades. Innocent enough, right? Only thing is, that stranger just so happens to be Jason Voorhees. His comrades are Freddy Kruger and Michael Myers. The authoress notes:
ok this story i made is when Jason voorhees, Freddy Kruger, and Micheal Myers where kids. just to note..i am sam. and jason, sam, and micheal are 14. freddy is 13
Oh boy. We're in for a treat. Better get your roasting sticks ready! (And I fucked with the formatting again this time, because Sam does not know how to utilize paragraphs. At all.)
new friends part 1
One night at a school dance Sam was wondering around, she had just transferred to the old school and didnt have any friends yet.
How clever of Ms Sam here, to begin her story with a paradox. She illustrates here that her avatar is wondering around whether to refer to the school she transferred from as her old school, considering that this school is also the old school. Will she call it "my old new school," or simply "the new school?" How will anyone know what the dickens she's talking about? Will this ever be elaborated upon? Of course not, because otherwise it would be interesting and thus wouldn't be dissected here.
looking at the dancing kids she wish she had enough courage to dance. the dance went on and on and still nobody asked her to be friends or dance.
School kids are far more polite here than the ones I've known. Most of them wouldn't have let me be if my shirt was stained, much less if I were wondering around due to a temporal paradox. I sure wish I went to Sam's new school... I mean, old school. Fuck.
so sam decided she would just have to introduce herself to some kids. she looked around and noticed a boy her age in the dark corner. he had a green jacket and he had his hood over his head so she coulnt see his face.
On second thought, I'd rather not attend a school where it's apparently in fashion to pull your hood over your face. Not that it'd intimidate me, it's just that I've never been able to pull off the "medieval executioner" look. I'm more of a plague doctor girl.
sam walked over to the boy and introduced herself "hi, im sam, im new here, whats your name?" the boy didnt answer and didnt look up. sam didnt feel mad or angry at the boy for not answering her, but she felt sad. she slowly lifted his head and pulled back his hood...sam stepped back in shock, the boy had a hocky mask on. it was very unusal and creepy looking.
"Hi, I've never seen you before. You don't seem to like me. Let me manhandle your brainpan!"
"whats your name" sam asked again. the boy lifted up his head, sam couldnt see his eyes but knew they were staring at her. "his name is Jason, and he dosent talk" said a voice behind sam. she turned around and saw a boy a year younger than her with a hat and a burn mark on his cheak.
I don't know if I'm just hopelessly out of touch, but the fashion trends here are baffling. First hoods covering faces, now hats on cheeks. Unless "cheak" is some crazy slang word for head. Kids these days!
"my name is freddy" he said. "hi im sam" sam replied. a boy my age walked up and stood next to freddy. he was very very pale with black eyes and he wore a blue plumers suit."and this is Micheal" said freddy "he doesent talk either"
This was one of the first Google image results for "plumer." Finally a style I can appreciate! Somewhat.
new friends part 2 freak show
"so why does he wear a hocky mask?" sam whispered to freddy. "thats for you to find out later" smirked Freddy."uh ok" replied sam.
It's so he can't be identified once he slices you clean in half. Gawsh, get with it you stupid girl. Also, why the sudden change in tense?
then 2 girls that were the same age as sam walked up to her."hi you must be the new girl, my name is Ky" said a girl with blonde hair."hi im Kayla" said a girl with short brown hair."im sam" sam replied."wanna dance?" kayla asked sam. "im sam" sam replied."wanna dance?" kayla asked sam."naw im a little shy...maybe later"replied sam."oh ok, see ya" said Ky. Ky and Kayla left and danced.
This is where the lack of paragraph breaks starts to become vexing. We now have four characters speaking, and the only clues as to who's doing the speaking come after the quotations. Even if it had been properly structured, it doesn't excuse the fact that the whole scene is fucking pointless. "Oh hi, wanna dance? No? Okay." And nothing ever comes of it.
"so how come they dont talk?" sam asked freddy. "actually, im not sure" replied freddy. sam, freddy, jason, and micheal listened to music until a girl with short blue hair came up to sam."hi im malissa, why are you hanging out with these freaks?"the girl said.
Ding ding ding ding ding! Here we have it, the staple of all "new girl" stories, the catty girl who just shows up to emphasize how pure of heart the main character is in comparison! And notice how all the characters so far are immediately introduced by name. It's like a damn AA meeting.
jason looks down sadly, freddy was about to kick malissa's @$$, and micheal was staring at somting else, not paying attention.
Freddy not being the violent mind-fucking bastard we love makes about as much sense as him attending high school. Then again, I've been kicked in the at dollar dollar before. Hurts like a royal bitch. Even Freddy would avoid stooping that low.
"their not freaks!" said sam.
Sam lovingly narrates the effects of being kicked in your at dollar dollar. Your "not" starts to freak.
"HA! the guys are a freak show!!"scoffed Malissa."th..th..."studderd sam. "th..th..what?"mocked malissa. sam got up in malissa face and said "than i guess im part of the freak show!"
Behold, the sideshow's latest attraction! Speakfail Sam - the girl who can stutter a "th" sound!
new friends part 3 quiet walk
the dance was over and everone was leaving, walking in different directions to their houses."bye" freddy said to sam and left and michael patted sam on the back and waved goodbye and also left."which way do you go home?" sam asked jason.he pointed down a dark street."hey i go that way to! wanna walk with me?"said sam.
Yes, Sammy Sue. Follow the masked mute down the shady alleyway. A perfect plan. No, I'm not being sarcastic at all. Were this a better story, this is just before the part where she'd be hacked to bits!
jason nodded and they walked together down the street. it was quiet and dark...and sam really wanted to see jason without the creepy mask. jason tapped mher soulder, sam looked at him, and of course he said nothing."whats wrong?" asked sam.
Come on, come on! Kill the little whore already!
he pointed to some moving bushes."oh it...its probably just an animal" sam said scared.
God dammit. Literary blue balls time.
sam and jason becan to walk faster. the "thing in the bushes" sounded like it was following them.
I really, really wish she hadn't used scare quotes here. I'm sitting here thinking of all the possible things it could be a euphemism for, but I know you want to read it as much as I want to write it. Which is very little. Let's move on.
the noise was getting closer and closer! sam began to get really scared, she didnt know what lived in this town. "grrrrrrrr" came from the bush. sam grabbed jasons hand and squeezed know whatever was in the bush was gonna get her!
Well that's nice of her to trap him where the "thing in the bushes" could slay them. "This is my story, slave! If I'm getting killed, you're going down with me!"
jason looked at their hands then looked up befor sam could notice."GRRRRRRRR" the noise got louder then......freddy jumped out of the bush and scared the iving daylight out of sam.
Good thing she lost only one iving daylight. Must be Daylight Saving Time. Also L Saving Time, too.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA" laughed freddy." OMG YOU SUCK" sam screamed and began punching freddy."ow, OW, stop it!" laugh/yelled freddy.
One of the greatest slashers of all time (OF ALL TIME), taking physical abuse from a 14-year-old girl. This is why I never watch sequels.
new friends part 4 ring leader
Sam puts in her comments that this is the song to go with this chapter. You will never look at neither Jason nor Freddy nor Michael Myers nor Britney Spears the same way ever again. You're welcome.
the next day at school it was sams first full day and was pretty exited.
I thought it was Daylight Saving Time. Why would the day exit already? Discontinuity, another one of my pet peeves.
she had math class with micheal, gym and science with freddy, history with jason, lunch with all of them and all the other classes dont matter.
You are now picturing Michael Myers sitting at a middle school desk, staring blankly at his worksheet with calculator in hand. Then, Freddy is recording the characteristics of a fern in the next room. Jason later presents his PowerPoint on the rise and fall of the Ottoman empire. You're welcome.
the school day was over and sam and her 3 buds were talking untill malissa and a group of friends walk past sam saying "look its the ring-leader, the ring-leader for the freak show, hahahaha".
According to the Random House Dictionary:
I think the word Malissa was looking for was "ringmaster." Unless it's that crazy teenage slang fucking with me again.
freddy slamed his locker and left school with out say bye to us."leave us alone malissa" said sam getting in malissa's face. "no ring-leader"malissa scoffed.
No ringleader! Freddy slame with out say bye to us! Sam hungry! Sam want eat Malissa! Then Sam find Jason to satisfy "thing in bushes!"
malissa and her group left. micheal patted sam on the back and handed her a piece of folded paper. it said do not open. micheal left and jason coulnt walk home today cuz his mom picked him up from school for the dentist.
Jason? Dentist? Isn't he supposed to have like a really fucked-up mouth? I mean, what dentist would touch that thing?
so sam was force to walk alone, wondering why she coulnt open the piece of paper micheal gave her.
It's fucking paper, you moron! No one's around! Just open the thing so we can get on with our lives! Oh wait, that wouldn't be "suspenseful."
new friends part 5 Extreme
-science class-
"ugh so far i hate freshman year" Sam complained. "yea" agreed Freddy. "arent you young too be a freshman?"asked sam turning on the burner for their expirament."i skipped a grade" Freddy said as he layed his hand on the burner."AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"Freddy yelled. "oh no" sam said. sam got an ice pack for freddy. "for a smart kid, your not very smart around fire" giggled sam."shut up" freddy scoffed.the bell rang. "tell ms. Howard im gonna be late for gym..i have to go to the nurse" freddy told sam as he left class."ok" sam replied.
That... was pointless. I have no idea what to say here. Let's move on.
-hallway-
Sam was walking to class when Ky and Kayla appeared next to her. "hi" said sam "ready for gym?. "nope" replied Kayla, "me either" said Ky."that sucks...what are we playing in gym?" asked sam. "uh i think dodgeball" replied Ky. "yay" sam said happily. "no not yay" Kayla said grimly. "why?"sam asked. "Extreme" is all they said.
Two thirds of the chapter already gone, and there's still no sign of a proper beginning, middle, or end. There's not even a slasher breaking character in this scene. Just stupid boring Sam with stupid boring Ky and stupid boring Kayla talking about stupid boring gym class. At least Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way said things that caught your attention.
-Gym-
it was dodgeball and everyone looked scared for some reason, exept one girl.
I think I'd be scared too if my gym was a gigantic dodgeball. Especially if it were the foamy squeezable kind. Dogs like those.
she wore a blue shirt with a big "E" on it. "whos that?" sam asked pointing to the girl. "thats extreme" said Ky
"She's the daughter of Radical and Flavor-Blasted. Guess which one's the mom?"
"be careful...she undefeated at dogdeball". sam gulped and dodgeball began. their were 5 rounds and extreme won everytime!
Finally, a character with some semblance of personality. Not much of one though, but any port in a storm.
"ow my face hurts"sam rubbed her face from being in in the face by a dodgeball.
Oh, Sammy poo, I'm sure your face hurts. 'Cause it's killin' me! *rimshot*
sam rubbed her face from being in in the face by a dodgeball. "its ok...that will stop hurting by tommarow" smirked Extreme "hi im extreme". "hi im sam" said sam
We knew your name. Everyone did. I understand you don't want to break the fabric of time and space by introducing yourself by anything but "Hi I'm [name]," but take a chance for once! You're Extreme, after all! Radical and Flavor-Blasted would be proud!
New Friends part 6 the fight
the next day of school after meeting Extreme everything was going fine, until Malissa walked up to sam. "so hows life Ring-leader" smirked malissa. "shut up and get away from me" sam scoffed.
While the dialogue still sucks, it's certainly a step up from "no ring-leader."
"uh....NO" yelled Malissa as she pushed sam into a locker."AHHH" screamed sam as she slid to the floor. "HA!" laughed Malissa.
Next time you're in a school, try this: Fall into a locker with the same force as if someone pushed you, then try sliding down it all the way to the floor. Without falling. This is more likely to happen if your gym is a dodgeball, but even then, it's still rather confusing.
"that was a BIG mistake" said a voice behind Malissa. it was Extreme and two other girls named Kim and Valerie.
On the plus side, at least we don't have to endure "Hi I'm Kim," "Hi I'm Sam," and "Hi I'm Valerie," "Hi I'm Sam."
"whatever" said malissa. Extreme cracked her knuckles and the 3 girls walked toward Malissa. "w...what are you doing" asked Malissa. the 3 girls began to punch Malissa. Extreme was punching her in the head, Valerie kicked her head, and kim pulled out her hair. after about 5 min. Malissa was beaten to a pulp.
What. The. Hell. Somehow three girls, one an athlete, all gang up on one girl, and are all attacking her head. On what planet would no teacher notice this? Where the hell are the teachers anyway? And how big of a head does Malissa need to have for four hands and two feet to assault it for five minutes straight?
"let me help you" valerie reached out her had to sam. sam grabbed her hand and was helped up. "well...no broken bones...thats good" kim said after inspecting sams arm. "thanks" sam sighed with relief. "no problem" extreme replied "anytime"
But what about Malissa? I mean, she kind of doesn't have a face anymore...
New friendspart 7 goodbye
the rest of freshman year went on fine. malissa didnt pick on sam but she still called her ring-leader and so did every kid in school exept her friends.
Seriously? After about five or so days of build-up, we get nothing? Just a flashforward to the end of the entire goddamn year? No one even got killed! And this section of the story is labeled as horror! If I had paid for this, I would demand my money back! But I still want money.
it was the last day of school everyone was exited for summer and were signing yearbooks. the bell rang al the school flooded with kids. the summer was gonna be busy for the 4 friends. sam gets a job at the ice cream parler, Jason is going to camp for all summer, Freddy is taking a rode trip with his family, and well nobody know for sure what micheals gonna do.
At least we didn't have to go through six more chapters to find out that nothing happens. Unlike now.
-sam and jason walking home-
"are you sure you have to leave for ALL summer?" sam aked jason. jason nodded, not talking as usaul."im gonna miss you, dont forget to write" sam said. she hugged jason and went inside her house. jason went to camp and freddy was somewhere across the country. the only friend sam had for the summer was Micheal....but he didnt talk either
I'm starting to wonder if this is even a story. I think she just typed up random stuff from her diary pages and Ctrl+V'd the names of the slashers in to appeal to the fanfic crowd.
New friends part 8 dead
it had been 2 days sense Jason went to camp, Sam was worried about him. he didn't make friends easily, but somebody would be nice enough to.
If being able to befriend a girl who pushed around his head the first time she saw him counts as "not easily." Which it only does in Stupidland. Nyeh.
Sam came home from work and she decided to call Ms. Voorhees to make sure Jason was ok at camp. "hello is ms. Voorhees there?" asked Sam. "this is her" ms. Voorhees said gravely. "hi, its Sam, is Jason their?" Sam asked.
Their what? Is Jason their WHAT?! We need to know!
"no...hes dead" replied ms. Voorhees."what? how?"Sam said in shock."he went swimming, he wasn't a very good swimmer, the counselors should have been watching him" ms. Voorhees said then he hung up.
I'll ignore the inadvertent sex change of "Ms" Voorhees there. She/he sounds oddly matter-of-fact over the matter of a dead son. Like she was just saying he got braces or something. Frankly, I'm a little concerned.
Sam stood there in shock, she dropped the phone, unable to move. she eventually ran to her room and cried on her bed for hours. until she heard a tap at her window. she looked up and it was Micheal. Sam let him in threw the window and he sat next to her patting her back as she cried.
Whoa there, girl! I know you're sad, this is a big shock to you, but you just can't go throwing windows around! Someone could get killed... oh. Right.
he said nothing but Sam new why she was crying.
Duh.
when Sam calmed down Micheal gave her a letter, it said 'you can open the note now'. Sam looked at the folded not that said 'do not open'. she opened it and red 'dear Sam, my life has come to an end...but your has not, live life to the fullest...I love you, ~Love Jason'.
In case anyone cares enough to remember the detail about the note (and I know no one does), this means that months ago, Jason wrote her a note announcing his own drowning. How this makes sense, I do not know. Either Jason decided to give Michael this little note to give to Sam just in case he died unexpectedly, and apparently he didn't think she'd know he was dead without it, or Author Sam realized just now that she completely forgot that the note existed and was sick of her friends bugging her about it so she just pulled this out her ass. Excuse me, I need to breathe for a second.
Sam sat in shock and kept on reading the words "i love you'. "Jason wrote this?" Sam asked Micheal. Micheal nodded. Sam broke down crying in Micheal arms....
Aww, Sammy, it's okay. All the little freaks get to go to Carny Heaven. Even you, "ring-leader!" Better hurry on up there now!
Also, in the artist's comments, Author Sam notes:
just to note: Ms. Voorhees is the cook at the camp
Somehow this is important.
New friends part 9 the end
Sam, Micheal, and freddy finished high school after 4 years.
Seems logical that they'd all be dumb enough to get held back a year.
Sam:went threw 3 years of depression from jasons death. she kept her job at the ice cream parler untill she got a real job. she dated a boy named skipper for about 3 years and but their relationship ended when their was no spark. she kept in touch with some of her friends.
Aside from the fact that she pulled time and emotions out of Jason's death to throw, this is, as they say in Mother Russia, "really fucking boring."
Micheal: after high school he moved out of town...he kept in touch with sam..but that was about it...2 years after high school he was declared insane but he borke out of the asylum and became a mass murderer...but police havent found him yet.
So, Ms Sam, you went ahead and wrote about eight chapters where absolutely nothing of consequence happened until one main character died, and then glazed over an entire series of murders as if they were this morning's donuts? What? Why? How? Wherefore? Oh, right. Because it didn't involve your bland-ass Mary Sue. You know what? I hate you, Sam. I hate your squishy little guts.
Freddy: lost touch with all his friends...he became a murderer and had died in fire.
Just like you should. Not the murder part, but losing touch with your friends and dying in a fire should suit you just fine. By the dead gods.
And that's where "New Friends" ends. But that's not all! We've still got "Dead Friends" to cover! Sigh.
Dead Friends part 1 season 2
-its been 4 years sence Jason died, 3 years sence Freddy died, and 3 years sence Michael was sentanced to an Insane Asylum.-
"c'mon sam, you will have fun" Ky said to sam over the phone."i dont know, i just wanna be alone" sam replied sadly. "you will never get out of depression with that attitude" ky told sam coldly."you dont know what its like! 2 of my best friends died, one is insane, and me and my ex just broke up!" sam told Ky.
It's been three damn years! Get over it! You still have life to live... much to my chagrin.
"forget about Skipper! come with me, Buck and a few friends, it will be fun"ky told sam cheerfully.
Don't lie to me. I know for a fact that you first thought that said "it will be funky."
"what place are you talking about anyway?" sam asked. "were going camping at an abandond camp, its gonna be sooo much fun!" ky told sam."fine i'll go...but-" sam said befor she was interupted by Ky."GREAT we will pick you up tommarow" Ky told sam and hung up the phone.
And yet Ky failed to mention where they were going in the first place? She still managed to beg Sam to come with her to a place she didn't even know? Huh.
Dead Friends part 2
-the next day-
Sam heard a car horn and looked out her window to see Ky, her boyfriend Buck, and our friends Kayla, Bai, and Kyuubi waiting for sam! sam was already packed and ran out the door to greet her friends. she hadnt been this happy for years, she was ready to put the misery behind her. but little did she know...it had just began.
Here enters another hallmark of terrible fanfiction - Japanese names where they just don't belong. The fact that they're just kind of thrown in there with normal English names creates a weird "Aeris and Bob" feeling. I don't like it. It puts me off my feed.
"hey guys" sam said to her friends and she hopped in the car."ready for the funnest weekend of your life?" Kylie asked everyone. they all replied with a "yes". "its about an hour from here" buck told us. Kayla, sam, Bai, and Kyuubi grond, it was bad enough being squised in the back seat.
Whoa man! I thought this was a G-rated fic! And suddenly our characters start to "grond," whatever the hell that means? Hello there, "thing in the bushes."
about a half an hour later the music turned off and a news lady began talking "dangerous young man has escaped the county asylum, he has killed over 10 innocent people already, he is a white male, with a blue jumpsuit, and brown hair. his name is Michael Myers. lock all your doors and windows and contact the police of any information about Myers".
You hear that little pattering noise, children? That's the sound of a wild plot bunny scampering through the woods! And it only took one whole series to get there!
Buck turned off the raideo. everyone,exept buck, turned at looked at sam. they were speechless untill Sam pasted out.
"It's okay guys, she's out cold. We can start talking again."
about 20 min. later sam woke up. "oh good shes awake" Kayla sighed with relief."where almost their buck said to the group as they passed a sign saying 'Camp Crystal Lake, 5 Miles'.
The site where they pass the sign is also where their buck says to the group that Kayla sighed with relief about Sam being awake. Where they got a male deer, I don't know, but this story is confusing enough as it is so I don't want to think about it.
Sam saw the sign and turned a sickly color."you have to take me home" sam begged Ky. "no way, we didnt come out all this way just to turn back!" Ky argued. "but you dont understand" sam began to cry. "sam whats wrong?" Bai asked. "tell us" Kyuubi asked. "this is where Jason died" sam said gravly with tears pouring down her face.
Firefox Spellcheck suggests that "gravly" is supposed to be either gravy, gravely, gravelly, gravel, or gravity. I'm somewhat amused by the thought of Sam saying "Gravy" while crying, so we'll go with that. "Gravel" is also acceptable, especially if you've played Chip's Challenge.
Bai and Buck dragged Sam from the car to the camp site. "NO!! I SAID TAKE ME HOME!!!!" Sam screamed. "NO" Ky told Sam for the billionth time "your gonna stay here and have a good time!". Kayla, Ky, Bai, Kyuubi, and Buck helped set up the tents and supplies. "im gonna take a walk" Sam sighed sadly. "alright, but i you dont come back within an hour...we are gonna hunt you down!" Ky laughed. Sam walked threw the woods, its was about 2 or 3 hours till the sun would set, so she didnt worry about getting lost in the dark. "finally!" Kuubi sighed with relief after putting up the last tent "im gonna explore for awile".
That's a weird name for a tent. "Im gonna explore for awile." I guess "Kuubi" is following celebrity tent-naming trends? If such a thing exists?
"ok" kylie said nudging closer to Buck. Kyuubi walked threw the woods, picking up sticks, and exploring.
She'd better pick up those sticks after throwing the entire fucking woods. Also, who the fuck is Kylie?
she stopped and saw a house in the middle of the woods, so she decided to go see if anyone lived their.
Watch out, Kyuubi! The three bears'll come and eat'cha! I'm sure they'll find your pseudo-Japanese flesh to be juuuust riiiiight.
"hello? is anyone here?" Kyuubi said after knocking on the door. an old lady opend the door and looked at Kyubbi angrly "what do you want?". "well i was exploring and-" said Kyuubi befor the old lady cut her off. "you shouldnt be in these woods!". "huh?" said Kyuubi very confused. "you heard me! get your friends and leave as soon as possible!" the old lady said befor trying to shut the door. Kyubbi stopped it with her foot "why? whats ging on here?!". "He just wants to be alone!" the old lady said befor moving kyuubis foot and slamming the door shut.
Come on, lady! "Kyubbi" needs to know what's ging on here! I ginged on once. Needless to say, I didn't sleep for days. Also, I find it odd that the lady somehow knows Kyuubi has company.
Kyuubi was so confused about what the lady said that she didnt even realize it was getting dark. back at the campsite Kyuubi started up the fire, Kayla and Bai were playing cards, and Buck and Ky were making out. they didnt even notice sam was still gone.
Sam is just that inconsequential of a character. It's kind of sad when the other characters realize this before the author does.
Sam walked down a small path and looked up, she dropped to her knees and looked at the abandond cabins. she couldnt control her emotions, as tears ran down her face she whispered "i miss you Jason". Sam stood up and decided to go back to the camp site...but she didnt realize it was dark and she couldnt see anything anymore.
Except for the cabins. I'm assuming this is because the cabins have a radioactive glow. That is mostly because I skipped a day of sleep.
so she just kept on walking until she camp to the lake. Sam sat on the edge of the water and looked down.
Would you look at this? Author Sam is so egotistical, that she gave Avatar Sam the power of sitting on water! And she treats it like nothing! Seriously, Sam, let's not fuck with Jesus powers here.
after about an hour, she noticed somone was standing right next to her.
I wonder how this played out...
Five seconds:
"Wait, what's that? Oh, just my reflection."
Ten minutes:
"My reflection looks kind of weird. Huh."
Thirty minutes:
"I'm feeling something against my sleeve... just my reflection."
One hour:
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT'S A PERSON"
she slowly looked up and looked and saw it was Michael.Tears ran down her face and she back crawled into a tree "STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!" sam screamed as she saw Micheal bring out his knife."MICHAEL IM SORRY!" sam screamed. Michael grabbed sams hair. "IM SO SORRY" sam sobbed.
I have only one thing to say here.
-FLASHBACK-
Sam skipped to michaels house happy as can be. she knew Michael and his family didnt get along so she decided she would bring them some gifts.
"Here's a shield. And a taser. Just in case."
She walked up to the door and saw that it was opened, so she decided to walk in. Sam slowly walked in...she smelt an awful smell and looked at the floor. their were dead animals laying on the floor, she was about to run out of the house until she heard Michael's sister scream from the kitchen. Sam ran into the kitchen to see,Laurie, Michaels sister in a corner crying and a boy with a mask on and holding a knife about to stab her. Sam ran and tackled to boy to the floor and took off his mask. their under sam with blood-shot eyes was her best friend michael. Michael lifted up the knife and was about to stab sam when Laurie grabbed sam and ran out of the house. "run home sam" Laurie told sam threw tears. Sam ran home and called 911. after about an hour the police found Laurie and Michael. Laurie was taken to the hospital and Michael was taken the the Insane Asylum. Tears ran down Sam's face as she met Michael's evil glare.
-FLASHBACK OVER-
Bah! None of that nonsense matters! What the hell happened to the gifts?! You can't end the damn flashback without telling us where the gifts went!
"please dont kill me" Sam sobbed. Michael raised his knife. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed Sam. Ky, Buck, Bai, Kayla, and Kyuubi heard sam's scream and ran to the lake. when michael saw a glimpse of them he let go of sam and walkedack into the forest.
I Google-imaged "walkedack." A map of O'Donnell street in Dublin came up. It didn't clarify a thing.
Sam, huddled next to a tree, sobbed and cried. Ky, Kyuubi, and Kayla tried calming down sam, while Buck and Bai looked around. "what happened sam?" ky asked sam. "i...i saw michael" sam sobbed."what? we didnt see him!" Kyuubi told sam. "he ran off when you came! how didnt any of you see him?!?!?!" sam begged them. "i saw him" Kayla said emotionless
I love how Author Sam is trying to make this sound dramatic. "I saw him." Well of course you did, he was right there. You were just ahead of the group or something. I still need to find out about those gifts, dammit!
Dead Friends Part 4 Nightmare
Sam stagger to the camp site with her friends helping her along the way. she was crying and heavily breathing."im Worried about her' Ky whispered to Bai. "im sure shes fine, she probably saw some weirdo in the woods" Bai whispered back.
Kayla saw him too. Way to be observant, Bai, who has no other role in this entire story.
They arrived at the campsite. "I....Im gonna get some sleep" Sam said threw tears and staggered to her tent. she laid down on her lumpy sleeping bag and listened to her friends whisper about her...but soon their voices disappeared as she drifted off to sleep.
I had no idea people who were that bland could even get tired. I thought they just ran on a perpetual engine of monotony, like the stationary horses on the carousel.
-Sam's Dream-
Sam was laying in a dark room...it smelled burnt and charred. Her eyes adjusted and she saw the black room, she didn't see any windows or doors. Sam assumed a fire happened...it was so bad she could chip off the burnt flakes of the walls and floor.
"Oh my god, I'm trapped in here! Ashes, everywhere! No escape! Something burned in here! I think I'll just sit here and chip flakes off the walls. La di da..."
Their was a slight scratching noise in the corner of the room, there was a knife sticking out of the floor. curious Sam crawled toward it.
Good Sammy! Crawl to your death like a good little Mary Sue! End this now, before you start developing a personality.
"how did this knife survive the fire?"Sam whispered to herself. three more knifes popped from the burnt floor and shot out and grabbed her hand. attached to the knifes was a glove and an arm. Sam screamed and pulled her arm but she was still in its grasp. Sam pulled and pulled and began to pull it out. it was a man, his skin all burnt and evilly smiling. Sam stopped and stared in horror. "Hello Ring Leader"smiled the man.
What a ghastly nightmare! Her arm was grabbed in a burnt room! Le sigh. Even a six-year-old has more vivid night terrors than these.
-reality-
Sam woke up screaming and thrashing. Her friends rushed into her tent "WHAT GOING ON?!"Yelled Ky worried.Sam began to calm down and looked at her worried friends "what happened to your wrist?!" asked Kyuubi surprised. Sam slowly looked down at her wrist and saw four deep scratches...where the knifes had grabbed her.
Raise your hand if you didn't see this coming. If your hand hasn't been shot off now, then you know as well as I did that this outcome was obvious. You did.
So this is all of what Sam has written so far. She is still writing more, and I will still be watching for more stuff to snark on. Stay tuned, soldiers!
Read more!
Oh no, no, no! Don't eat it now! I understand it looks very tempting, but like any meat at a bonfire fest, it must be... roasted.
Anyway, this story begins rather similarly to the famous Twilight series. A pale, self-conscious brunette comes to a new school, meets a stranger with a secret, and befriends his mysterious comrades. Innocent enough, right? Only thing is, that stranger just so happens to be Jason Voorhees. His comrades are Freddy Kruger and Michael Myers. The authoress notes:
ok this story i made is when Jason voorhees, Freddy Kruger, and Micheal Myers where kids. just to note..i am sam. and jason, sam, and micheal are 14. freddy is 13
Oh boy. We're in for a treat. Better get your roasting sticks ready! (And I fucked with the formatting again this time, because Sam does not know how to utilize paragraphs. At all.)
new friends part 1
One night at a school dance Sam was wondering around, she had just transferred to the old school and didnt have any friends yet.
How clever of Ms Sam here, to begin her story with a paradox. She illustrates here that her avatar is wondering around whether to refer to the school she transferred from as her old school, considering that this school is also the old school. Will she call it "my old new school," or simply "the new school?" How will anyone know what the dickens she's talking about? Will this ever be elaborated upon? Of course not, because otherwise it would be interesting and thus wouldn't be dissected here.
looking at the dancing kids she wish she had enough courage to dance. the dance went on and on and still nobody asked her to be friends or dance.
School kids are far more polite here than the ones I've known. Most of them wouldn't have let me be if my shirt was stained, much less if I were wondering around due to a temporal paradox. I sure wish I went to Sam's new school... I mean, old school. Fuck.
so sam decided she would just have to introduce herself to some kids. she looked around and noticed a boy her age in the dark corner. he had a green jacket and he had his hood over his head so she coulnt see his face.
On second thought, I'd rather not attend a school where it's apparently in fashion to pull your hood over your face. Not that it'd intimidate me, it's just that I've never been able to pull off the "medieval executioner" look. I'm more of a plague doctor girl.
sam walked over to the boy and introduced herself "hi, im sam, im new here, whats your name?" the boy didnt answer and didnt look up. sam didnt feel mad or angry at the boy for not answering her, but she felt sad. she slowly lifted his head and pulled back his hood...sam stepped back in shock, the boy had a hocky mask on. it was very unusal and creepy looking.
"Hi, I've never seen you before. You don't seem to like me. Let me manhandle your brainpan!"
"whats your name" sam asked again. the boy lifted up his head, sam couldnt see his eyes but knew they were staring at her. "his name is Jason, and he dosent talk" said a voice behind sam. she turned around and saw a boy a year younger than her with a hat and a burn mark on his cheak.
I don't know if I'm just hopelessly out of touch, but the fashion trends here are baffling. First hoods covering faces, now hats on cheeks. Unless "cheak" is some crazy slang word for head. Kids these days!
"my name is freddy" he said. "hi im sam" sam replied. a boy my age walked up and stood next to freddy. he was very very pale with black eyes and he wore a blue plumers suit."and this is Micheal" said freddy "he doesent talk either"
This was one of the first Google image results for "plumer." Finally a style I can appreciate! Somewhat.
new friends part 2 freak show
"so why does he wear a hocky mask?" sam whispered to freddy. "thats for you to find out later" smirked Freddy."uh ok" replied sam.
It's so he can't be identified once he slices you clean in half. Gawsh, get with it you stupid girl. Also, why the sudden change in tense?
then 2 girls that were the same age as sam walked up to her."hi you must be the new girl, my name is Ky" said a girl with blonde hair."hi im Kayla" said a girl with short brown hair."im sam" sam replied."wanna dance?" kayla asked sam. "im sam" sam replied."wanna dance?" kayla asked sam."naw im a little shy...maybe later"replied sam."oh ok, see ya" said Ky. Ky and Kayla left and danced.
This is where the lack of paragraph breaks starts to become vexing. We now have four characters speaking, and the only clues as to who's doing the speaking come after the quotations. Even if it had been properly structured, it doesn't excuse the fact that the whole scene is fucking pointless. "Oh hi, wanna dance? No? Okay." And nothing ever comes of it.
"so how come they dont talk?" sam asked freddy. "actually, im not sure" replied freddy. sam, freddy, jason, and micheal listened to music until a girl with short blue hair came up to sam."hi im malissa, why are you hanging out with these freaks?"the girl said.
Ding ding ding ding ding! Here we have it, the staple of all "new girl" stories, the catty girl who just shows up to emphasize how pure of heart the main character is in comparison! And notice how all the characters so far are immediately introduced by name. It's like a damn AA meeting.
jason looks down sadly, freddy was about to kick malissa's @$$, and micheal was staring at somting else, not paying attention.
Freddy not being the violent mind-fucking bastard we love makes about as much sense as him attending high school. Then again, I've been kicked in the at dollar dollar before. Hurts like a royal bitch. Even Freddy would avoid stooping that low.
"their not freaks!" said sam.
Sam lovingly narrates the effects of being kicked in your at dollar dollar. Your "not" starts to freak.
"HA! the guys are a freak show!!"scoffed Malissa."th..th..."studderd sam. "th..th..what?"mocked malissa. sam got up in malissa face and said "than i guess im part of the freak show!"
Behold, the sideshow's latest attraction! Speakfail Sam - the girl who can stutter a "th" sound!
new friends part 3 quiet walk
the dance was over and everone was leaving, walking in different directions to their houses."bye" freddy said to sam and left and michael patted sam on the back and waved goodbye and also left."which way do you go home?" sam asked jason.he pointed down a dark street."hey i go that way to! wanna walk with me?"said sam.
Yes, Sammy Sue. Follow the masked mute down the shady alleyway. A perfect plan. No, I'm not being sarcastic at all. Were this a better story, this is just before the part where she'd be hacked to bits!
jason nodded and they walked together down the street. it was quiet and dark...and sam really wanted to see jason without the creepy mask. jason tapped mher soulder, sam looked at him, and of course he said nothing."whats wrong?" asked sam.
Come on, come on! Kill the little whore already!
he pointed to some moving bushes."oh it...its probably just an animal" sam said scared.
God dammit. Literary blue balls time.
sam and jason becan to walk faster. the "thing in the bushes" sounded like it was following them.
I really, really wish she hadn't used scare quotes here. I'm sitting here thinking of all the possible things it could be a euphemism for, but I know you want to read it as much as I want to write it. Which is very little. Let's move on.
the noise was getting closer and closer! sam began to get really scared, she didnt know what lived in this town. "grrrrrrrr" came from the bush. sam grabbed jasons hand and squeezed know whatever was in the bush was gonna get her!
Well that's nice of her to trap him where the "thing in the bushes" could slay them. "This is my story, slave! If I'm getting killed, you're going down with me!"
jason looked at their hands then looked up befor sam could notice."GRRRRRRRR" the noise got louder then......freddy jumped out of the bush and scared the iving daylight out of sam.
Good thing she lost only one iving daylight. Must be Daylight Saving Time. Also L Saving Time, too.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA" laughed freddy." OMG YOU SUCK" sam screamed and began punching freddy."ow, OW, stop it!" laugh/yelled freddy.
One of the greatest slashers of all time (OF ALL TIME), taking physical abuse from a 14-year-old girl. This is why I never watch sequels.
new friends part 4 ring leader
Sam puts in her comments that this is the song to go with this chapter. You will never look at neither Jason nor Freddy nor Michael Myers nor Britney Spears the same way ever again. You're welcome.
the next day at school it was sams first full day and was pretty exited.
I thought it was Daylight Saving Time. Why would the day exit already? Discontinuity, another one of my pet peeves.
she had math class with micheal, gym and science with freddy, history with jason, lunch with all of them and all the other classes dont matter.
You are now picturing Michael Myers sitting at a middle school desk, staring blankly at his worksheet with calculator in hand. Then, Freddy is recording the characteristics of a fern in the next room. Jason later presents his PowerPoint on the rise and fall of the Ottoman empire. You're welcome.
the school day was over and sam and her 3 buds were talking untill malissa and a group of friends walk past sam saying "look its the ring-leader, the ring-leader for the freak show, hahahaha".
According to the Random House Dictionary:
ringleader [ring-lee-der]
-noun
a person who leads others, esp. in opposition to authority, law, etc.: a ringleader of revolutionary activities.
-noun
a person who leads others, esp. in opposition to authority, law, etc.: a ringleader of revolutionary activities.
I think the word Malissa was looking for was "ringmaster." Unless it's that crazy teenage slang fucking with me again.
freddy slamed his locker and left school with out say bye to us."leave us alone malissa" said sam getting in malissa's face. "no ring-leader"malissa scoffed.
No ringleader! Freddy slame with out say bye to us! Sam hungry! Sam want eat Malissa! Then Sam find Jason to satisfy "thing in bushes!"
malissa and her group left. micheal patted sam on the back and handed her a piece of folded paper. it said do not open. micheal left and jason coulnt walk home today cuz his mom picked him up from school for the dentist.
Jason? Dentist? Isn't he supposed to have like a really fucked-up mouth? I mean, what dentist would touch that thing?
so sam was force to walk alone, wondering why she coulnt open the piece of paper micheal gave her.
It's fucking paper, you moron! No one's around! Just open the thing so we can get on with our lives! Oh wait, that wouldn't be "suspenseful."
new friends part 5 Extreme
-science class-
"ugh so far i hate freshman year" Sam complained. "yea" agreed Freddy. "arent you young too be a freshman?"asked sam turning on the burner for their expirament."i skipped a grade" Freddy said as he layed his hand on the burner."AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"Freddy yelled. "oh no" sam said. sam got an ice pack for freddy. "for a smart kid, your not very smart around fire" giggled sam."shut up" freddy scoffed.the bell rang. "tell ms. Howard im gonna be late for gym..i have to go to the nurse" freddy told sam as he left class."ok" sam replied.
That... was pointless. I have no idea what to say here. Let's move on.
-hallway-
Sam was walking to class when Ky and Kayla appeared next to her. "hi" said sam "ready for gym?. "nope" replied Kayla, "me either" said Ky."that sucks...what are we playing in gym?" asked sam. "uh i think dodgeball" replied Ky. "yay" sam said happily. "no not yay" Kayla said grimly. "why?"sam asked. "Extreme" is all they said.
Two thirds of the chapter already gone, and there's still no sign of a proper beginning, middle, or end. There's not even a slasher breaking character in this scene. Just stupid boring Sam with stupid boring Ky and stupid boring Kayla talking about stupid boring gym class. At least Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way said things that caught your attention.
-Gym-
it was dodgeball and everyone looked scared for some reason, exept one girl.
I think I'd be scared too if my gym was a gigantic dodgeball. Especially if it were the foamy squeezable kind. Dogs like those.
she wore a blue shirt with a big "E" on it. "whos that?" sam asked pointing to the girl. "thats extreme" said Ky
"She's the daughter of Radical and Flavor-Blasted. Guess which one's the mom?"
"be careful...she undefeated at dogdeball". sam gulped and dodgeball began. their were 5 rounds and extreme won everytime!
Finally, a character with some semblance of personality. Not much of one though, but any port in a storm.
"ow my face hurts"sam rubbed her face from being in in the face by a dodgeball.
Oh, Sammy poo, I'm sure your face hurts. 'Cause it's killin' me! *rimshot*
sam rubbed her face from being in in the face by a dodgeball. "its ok...that will stop hurting by tommarow" smirked Extreme "hi im extreme". "hi im sam" said sam
We knew your name. Everyone did. I understand you don't want to break the fabric of time and space by introducing yourself by anything but "Hi I'm [name]," but take a chance for once! You're Extreme, after all! Radical and Flavor-Blasted would be proud!
New Friends part 6 the fight
the next day of school after meeting Extreme everything was going fine, until Malissa walked up to sam. "so hows life Ring-leader" smirked malissa. "shut up and get away from me" sam scoffed.
While the dialogue still sucks, it's certainly a step up from "no ring-leader."
"uh....NO" yelled Malissa as she pushed sam into a locker."AHHH" screamed sam as she slid to the floor. "HA!" laughed Malissa.
Next time you're in a school, try this: Fall into a locker with the same force as if someone pushed you, then try sliding down it all the way to the floor. Without falling. This is more likely to happen if your gym is a dodgeball, but even then, it's still rather confusing.
"that was a BIG mistake" said a voice behind Malissa. it was Extreme and two other girls named Kim and Valerie.
On the plus side, at least we don't have to endure "Hi I'm Kim," "Hi I'm Sam," and "Hi I'm Valerie," "Hi I'm Sam."
"whatever" said malissa. Extreme cracked her knuckles and the 3 girls walked toward Malissa. "w...what are you doing" asked Malissa. the 3 girls began to punch Malissa. Extreme was punching her in the head, Valerie kicked her head, and kim pulled out her hair. after about 5 min. Malissa was beaten to a pulp.
What. The. Hell. Somehow three girls, one an athlete, all gang up on one girl, and are all attacking her head. On what planet would no teacher notice this? Where the hell are the teachers anyway? And how big of a head does Malissa need to have for four hands and two feet to assault it for five minutes straight?
"let me help you" valerie reached out her had to sam. sam grabbed her hand and was helped up. "well...no broken bones...thats good" kim said after inspecting sams arm. "thanks" sam sighed with relief. "no problem" extreme replied "anytime"
But what about Malissa? I mean, she kind of doesn't have a face anymore...
New friendspart 7 goodbye
the rest of freshman year went on fine. malissa didnt pick on sam but she still called her ring-leader and so did every kid in school exept her friends.
Seriously? After about five or so days of build-up, we get nothing? Just a flashforward to the end of the entire goddamn year? No one even got killed! And this section of the story is labeled as horror! If I had paid for this, I would demand my money back! But I still want money.
it was the last day of school everyone was exited for summer and were signing yearbooks. the bell rang al the school flooded with kids. the summer was gonna be busy for the 4 friends. sam gets a job at the ice cream parler, Jason is going to camp for all summer, Freddy is taking a rode trip with his family, and well nobody know for sure what micheals gonna do.
At least we didn't have to go through six more chapters to find out that nothing happens. Unlike now.
-sam and jason walking home-
"are you sure you have to leave for ALL summer?" sam aked jason. jason nodded, not talking as usaul."im gonna miss you, dont forget to write" sam said. she hugged jason and went inside her house. jason went to camp and freddy was somewhere across the country. the only friend sam had for the summer was Micheal....but he didnt talk either
I'm starting to wonder if this is even a story. I think she just typed up random stuff from her diary pages and Ctrl+V'd the names of the slashers in to appeal to the fanfic crowd.
New friends part 8 dead
it had been 2 days sense Jason went to camp, Sam was worried about him. he didn't make friends easily, but somebody would be nice enough to.
If being able to befriend a girl who pushed around his head the first time she saw him counts as "not easily." Which it only does in Stupidland. Nyeh.
Sam came home from work and she decided to call Ms. Voorhees to make sure Jason was ok at camp. "hello is ms. Voorhees there?" asked Sam. "this is her" ms. Voorhees said gravely. "hi, its Sam, is Jason their?" Sam asked.
Their what? Is Jason their WHAT?! We need to know!
"no...hes dead" replied ms. Voorhees."what? how?"Sam said in shock."he went swimming, he wasn't a very good swimmer, the counselors should have been watching him" ms. Voorhees said then he hung up.
I'll ignore the inadvertent sex change of "Ms" Voorhees there. She/he sounds oddly matter-of-fact over the matter of a dead son. Like she was just saying he got braces or something. Frankly, I'm a little concerned.
Sam stood there in shock, she dropped the phone, unable to move. she eventually ran to her room and cried on her bed for hours. until she heard a tap at her window. she looked up and it was Micheal. Sam let him in threw the window and he sat next to her patting her back as she cried.
Whoa there, girl! I know you're sad, this is a big shock to you, but you just can't go throwing windows around! Someone could get killed... oh. Right.
he said nothing but Sam new why she was crying.
Duh.
when Sam calmed down Micheal gave her a letter, it said 'you can open the note now'. Sam looked at the folded not that said 'do not open'. she opened it and red 'dear Sam, my life has come to an end...but your has not, live life to the fullest...I love you, ~Love Jason'.
In case anyone cares enough to remember the detail about the note (and I know no one does), this means that months ago, Jason wrote her a note announcing his own drowning. How this makes sense, I do not know. Either Jason decided to give Michael this little note to give to Sam just in case he died unexpectedly, and apparently he didn't think she'd know he was dead without it, or Author Sam realized just now that she completely forgot that the note existed and was sick of her friends bugging her about it so she just pulled this out her ass. Excuse me, I need to breathe for a second.
Sam sat in shock and kept on reading the words "i love you'. "Jason wrote this?" Sam asked Micheal. Micheal nodded. Sam broke down crying in Micheal arms....
Aww, Sammy, it's okay. All the little freaks get to go to Carny Heaven. Even you, "ring-leader!" Better hurry on up there now!
Also, in the artist's comments, Author Sam notes:
just to note: Ms. Voorhees is the cook at the camp
Somehow this is important.
New friends part 9 the end
Sam, Micheal, and freddy finished high school after 4 years.
Seems logical that they'd all be dumb enough to get held back a year.
Sam:went threw 3 years of depression from jasons death. she kept her job at the ice cream parler untill she got a real job. she dated a boy named skipper for about 3 years and but their relationship ended when their was no spark. she kept in touch with some of her friends.
Aside from the fact that she pulled time and emotions out of Jason's death to throw, this is, as they say in Mother Russia, "really fucking boring."
Micheal: after high school he moved out of town...he kept in touch with sam..but that was about it...2 years after high school he was declared insane but he borke out of the asylum and became a mass murderer...but police havent found him yet.
So, Ms Sam, you went ahead and wrote about eight chapters where absolutely nothing of consequence happened until one main character died, and then glazed over an entire series of murders as if they were this morning's donuts? What? Why? How? Wherefore? Oh, right. Because it didn't involve your bland-ass Mary Sue. You know what? I hate you, Sam. I hate your squishy little guts.
Freddy: lost touch with all his friends...he became a murderer and had died in fire.
Just like you should. Not the murder part, but losing touch with your friends and dying in a fire should suit you just fine. By the dead gods.
And that's where "New Friends" ends. But that's not all! We've still got "Dead Friends" to cover! Sigh.
Dead Friends part 1 season 2
-its been 4 years sence Jason died, 3 years sence Freddy died, and 3 years sence Michael was sentanced to an Insane Asylum.-
"c'mon sam, you will have fun" Ky said to sam over the phone."i dont know, i just wanna be alone" sam replied sadly. "you will never get out of depression with that attitude" ky told sam coldly."you dont know what its like! 2 of my best friends died, one is insane, and me and my ex just broke up!" sam told Ky.
It's been three damn years! Get over it! You still have life to live... much to my chagrin.
"forget about Skipper! come with me, Buck and a few friends, it will be fun"ky told sam cheerfully.
Don't lie to me. I know for a fact that you first thought that said "it will be funky."
"what place are you talking about anyway?" sam asked. "were going camping at an abandond camp, its gonna be sooo much fun!" ky told sam."fine i'll go...but-" sam said befor she was interupted by Ky."GREAT we will pick you up tommarow" Ky told sam and hung up the phone.
And yet Ky failed to mention where they were going in the first place? She still managed to beg Sam to come with her to a place she didn't even know? Huh.
Dead Friends part 2
-the next day-
Sam heard a car horn and looked out her window to see Ky, her boyfriend Buck, and our friends Kayla, Bai, and Kyuubi waiting for sam! sam was already packed and ran out the door to greet her friends. she hadnt been this happy for years, she was ready to put the misery behind her. but little did she know...it had just began.
Here enters another hallmark of terrible fanfiction - Japanese names where they just don't belong. The fact that they're just kind of thrown in there with normal English names creates a weird "Aeris and Bob" feeling. I don't like it. It puts me off my feed.
"hey guys" sam said to her friends and she hopped in the car."ready for the funnest weekend of your life?" Kylie asked everyone. they all replied with a "yes". "its about an hour from here" buck told us. Kayla, sam, Bai, and Kyuubi grond, it was bad enough being squised in the back seat.
Whoa man! I thought this was a G-rated fic! And suddenly our characters start to "grond," whatever the hell that means? Hello there, "thing in the bushes."
about a half an hour later the music turned off and a news lady began talking "dangerous young man has escaped the county asylum, he has killed over 10 innocent people already, he is a white male, with a blue jumpsuit, and brown hair. his name is Michael Myers. lock all your doors and windows and contact the police of any information about Myers".
You hear that little pattering noise, children? That's the sound of a wild plot bunny scampering through the woods! And it only took one whole series to get there!
Buck turned off the raideo. everyone,exept buck, turned at looked at sam. they were speechless untill Sam pasted out.
"It's okay guys, she's out cold. We can start talking again."
about 20 min. later sam woke up. "oh good shes awake" Kayla sighed with relief."where almost their buck said to the group as they passed a sign saying 'Camp Crystal Lake, 5 Miles'.
The site where they pass the sign is also where their buck says to the group that Kayla sighed with relief about Sam being awake. Where they got a male deer, I don't know, but this story is confusing enough as it is so I don't want to think about it.
Sam saw the sign and turned a sickly color."you have to take me home" sam begged Ky. "no way, we didnt come out all this way just to turn back!" Ky argued. "but you dont understand" sam began to cry. "sam whats wrong?" Bai asked. "tell us" Kyuubi asked. "this is where Jason died" sam said gravly with tears pouring down her face.
Firefox Spellcheck suggests that "gravly" is supposed to be either gravy, gravely, gravelly, gravel, or gravity. I'm somewhat amused by the thought of Sam saying "Gravy" while crying, so we'll go with that. "Gravel" is also acceptable, especially if you've played Chip's Challenge.
Bai and Buck dragged Sam from the car to the camp site. "NO!! I SAID TAKE ME HOME!!!!" Sam screamed. "NO" Ky told Sam for the billionth time "your gonna stay here and have a good time!". Kayla, Ky, Bai, Kyuubi, and Buck helped set up the tents and supplies. "im gonna take a walk" Sam sighed sadly. "alright, but i you dont come back within an hour...we are gonna hunt you down!" Ky laughed. Sam walked threw the woods, its was about 2 or 3 hours till the sun would set, so she didnt worry about getting lost in the dark. "finally!" Kuubi sighed with relief after putting up the last tent "im gonna explore for awile".
That's a weird name for a tent. "Im gonna explore for awile." I guess "Kuubi" is following celebrity tent-naming trends? If such a thing exists?
"ok" kylie said nudging closer to Buck. Kyuubi walked threw the woods, picking up sticks, and exploring.
She'd better pick up those sticks after throwing the entire fucking woods. Also, who the fuck is Kylie?
she stopped and saw a house in the middle of the woods, so she decided to go see if anyone lived their.
Watch out, Kyuubi! The three bears'll come and eat'cha! I'm sure they'll find your pseudo-Japanese flesh to be juuuust riiiiight.
"hello? is anyone here?" Kyuubi said after knocking on the door. an old lady opend the door and looked at Kyubbi angrly "what do you want?". "well i was exploring and-" said Kyuubi befor the old lady cut her off. "you shouldnt be in these woods!". "huh?" said Kyuubi very confused. "you heard me! get your friends and leave as soon as possible!" the old lady said befor trying to shut the door. Kyubbi stopped it with her foot "why? whats ging on here?!". "He just wants to be alone!" the old lady said befor moving kyuubis foot and slamming the door shut.
Come on, lady! "Kyubbi" needs to know what's ging on here! I ginged on once. Needless to say, I didn't sleep for days. Also, I find it odd that the lady somehow knows Kyuubi has company.
Kyuubi was so confused about what the lady said that she didnt even realize it was getting dark. back at the campsite Kyuubi started up the fire, Kayla and Bai were playing cards, and Buck and Ky were making out. they didnt even notice sam was still gone.
Sam is just that inconsequential of a character. It's kind of sad when the other characters realize this before the author does.
Sam walked down a small path and looked up, she dropped to her knees and looked at the abandond cabins. she couldnt control her emotions, as tears ran down her face she whispered "i miss you Jason". Sam stood up and decided to go back to the camp site...but she didnt realize it was dark and she couldnt see anything anymore.
Except for the cabins. I'm assuming this is because the cabins have a radioactive glow. That is mostly because I skipped a day of sleep.
so she just kept on walking until she camp to the lake. Sam sat on the edge of the water and looked down.
Would you look at this? Author Sam is so egotistical, that she gave Avatar Sam the power of sitting on water! And she treats it like nothing! Seriously, Sam, let's not fuck with Jesus powers here.
after about an hour, she noticed somone was standing right next to her.
I wonder how this played out...
Five seconds:
"Wait, what's that? Oh, just my reflection."
Ten minutes:
"My reflection looks kind of weird. Huh."
Thirty minutes:
"I'm feeling something against my sleeve... just my reflection."
One hour:
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT'S A PERSON"
she slowly looked up and looked and saw it was Michael.Tears ran down her face and she back crawled into a tree "STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!" sam screamed as she saw Micheal bring out his knife."MICHAEL IM SORRY!" sam screamed. Michael grabbed sams hair. "IM SO SORRY" sam sobbed.
I have only one thing to say here.
FINALLY!
-FLASHBACK-
Sam skipped to michaels house happy as can be. she knew Michael and his family didnt get along so she decided she would bring them some gifts.
"Here's a shield. And a taser. Just in case."
She walked up to the door and saw that it was opened, so she decided to walk in. Sam slowly walked in...she smelt an awful smell and looked at the floor. their were dead animals laying on the floor, she was about to run out of the house until she heard Michael's sister scream from the kitchen. Sam ran into the kitchen to see,Laurie, Michaels sister in a corner crying and a boy with a mask on and holding a knife about to stab her. Sam ran and tackled to boy to the floor and took off his mask. their under sam with blood-shot eyes was her best friend michael. Michael lifted up the knife and was about to stab sam when Laurie grabbed sam and ran out of the house. "run home sam" Laurie told sam threw tears. Sam ran home and called 911. after about an hour the police found Laurie and Michael. Laurie was taken to the hospital and Michael was taken the the Insane Asylum. Tears ran down Sam's face as she met Michael's evil glare.
-FLASHBACK OVER-
Bah! None of that nonsense matters! What the hell happened to the gifts?! You can't end the damn flashback without telling us where the gifts went!
"please dont kill me" Sam sobbed. Michael raised his knife. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed Sam. Ky, Buck, Bai, Kayla, and Kyuubi heard sam's scream and ran to the lake. when michael saw a glimpse of them he let go of sam and walkedack into the forest.
I Google-imaged "walkedack." A map of O'Donnell street in Dublin came up. It didn't clarify a thing.
Sam, huddled next to a tree, sobbed and cried. Ky, Kyuubi, and Kayla tried calming down sam, while Buck and Bai looked around. "what happened sam?" ky asked sam. "i...i saw michael" sam sobbed."what? we didnt see him!" Kyuubi told sam. "he ran off when you came! how didnt any of you see him?!?!?!" sam begged them. "i saw him" Kayla said emotionless
I love how Author Sam is trying to make this sound dramatic. "I saw him." Well of course you did, he was right there. You were just ahead of the group or something. I still need to find out about those gifts, dammit!
Dead Friends Part 4 Nightmare
Sam stagger to the camp site with her friends helping her along the way. she was crying and heavily breathing."im Worried about her' Ky whispered to Bai. "im sure shes fine, she probably saw some weirdo in the woods" Bai whispered back.
Kayla saw him too. Way to be observant, Bai, who has no other role in this entire story.
They arrived at the campsite. "I....Im gonna get some sleep" Sam said threw tears and staggered to her tent. she laid down on her lumpy sleeping bag and listened to her friends whisper about her...but soon their voices disappeared as she drifted off to sleep.
I had no idea people who were that bland could even get tired. I thought they just ran on a perpetual engine of monotony, like the stationary horses on the carousel.
-Sam's Dream-
Sam was laying in a dark room...it smelled burnt and charred. Her eyes adjusted and she saw the black room, she didn't see any windows or doors. Sam assumed a fire happened...it was so bad she could chip off the burnt flakes of the walls and floor.
"Oh my god, I'm trapped in here! Ashes, everywhere! No escape! Something burned in here! I think I'll just sit here and chip flakes off the walls. La di da..."
Their was a slight scratching noise in the corner of the room, there was a knife sticking out of the floor. curious Sam crawled toward it.
Good Sammy! Crawl to your death like a good little Mary Sue! End this now, before you start developing a personality.
"how did this knife survive the fire?"Sam whispered to herself. three more knifes popped from the burnt floor and shot out and grabbed her hand. attached to the knifes was a glove and an arm. Sam screamed and pulled her arm but she was still in its grasp. Sam pulled and pulled and began to pull it out. it was a man, his skin all burnt and evilly smiling. Sam stopped and stared in horror. "Hello Ring Leader"smiled the man.
What a ghastly nightmare! Her arm was grabbed in a burnt room! Le sigh. Even a six-year-old has more vivid night terrors than these.
-reality-
Sam woke up screaming and thrashing. Her friends rushed into her tent "WHAT GOING ON?!"Yelled Ky worried.Sam began to calm down and looked at her worried friends "what happened to your wrist?!" asked Kyuubi surprised. Sam slowly looked down at her wrist and saw four deep scratches...where the knifes had grabbed her.
Raise your hand if you didn't see this coming. If your hand hasn't been shot off now, then you know as well as I did that this outcome was obvious. You did.
So this is all of what Sam has written so far. She is still writing more, and I will still be watching for more stuff to snark on. Stay tuned, soldiers!
Read more!
posted by HackerOnHacker at
2:31 AM
4 Comments
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