Basement Trooper

Another Friday the 13th Fanfiction Dissection

2010-06-24T00:04:00.013-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, comrades and soldiers, I arrive in a stellar mood. It's summer! We should all be glad for it, as these are days of ice cream bars, lemonade, bike rides, sitting outside with a good book, swimming, camping...

_{Oh god.}

Camping.

Camping.

Camping.

_{Sweet Azathoth, I knew I could not be safe from my own mind forever! The memories, they return to me like so many cruel boomerangs of fate! My wounds may heal and my senses may return, but nothing... nothing on this earth or even in this galaxy can purge my soul of the taint that is...}

Undead Lovers.

It looks harmless to you, does it not? But that is how it traps you, how it entangles you within its web of insanity from which no man may escape unscathed. It is how an innocent day of browsing the internet to marvel at the strange and unusual had become something worthy of accounting within immortal text.

So we start... at Chapter One.

Chapter 1

FLASHBACK

Such is where the madness begins. We have entered a realm where time is not as we know it, where a flashback can be achieved when there was no setting from which it could possibly be initiated. Do not confuse this with a mere prologue or introduction, my good men, for that would suggest a normal flow of time. Time does not flow here - it flashes, sizzles, and evanesces from outside our dimension. Where have we even flashed back from? Perhaps the flashback began because our feeble human minds could not comprehend the alien logic of what would, in chapter one, be considered "now?" Let us read on.

Terra POV

It was dark and windy out and I was walking outside because I can never walk in broad daylight when I heard some laughing and I hid in some bushes and what looked to see what was going on. And what I saw shocked me.

With thus, both dimensional time and space are proven to be entirely alien to us. We see what appears to be a very young woman, forced into the unpredictable outdoors due to what could only be a flood of actual daylight within any and all present structures. The sun would not shine on her planets, but rather, within them, lighting buildings from the inside. I braced myself for whatever had shocked the young woman, for it must truly be a horror of all horrors...

I saw a group of kids picking on a boy. "Freak, Hideous and gross," is what they were calling him.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and upon regaining my composure I began to analyze the behavior of these foreign creatures. They appeared to be tormenting the omega of the pack with confusing language. A sentence fragment with one noun, but no subject or predicate in sight. The sheer ambiguity of the phrase's intent would surely torture the child further. It is impossible to know, even with the capitalization, what the phrase should be corrected to! "Freak hideous, and gross!" could be a command, provided "freak" is a valid verb. Or simply how a caveman would describe the freak. "Freak: Hideous and Gross" would be a title, and a far more appropriate one for this story.

He was trying to run away from them but they kept chasing him. It made my barely beating heart clench. The boy tripped and I got a better look at him, his face was deformed, but not that badly and even if, that is a horrible excuse to pick on someone, wait scratch that, there is no excuse for picking on somebody. They started to beat him up. "NO! I would not let them harm him anymore." I thought to myself.

This is when I thought I had discovered a difference between the sexes of this alien race. It appears that the males had the ability to cause injury with ambiguous sentence fragments, while the females instead would use interjections and sentences that are complete to the point where it seems entirely unnatural to normal human thought processes.

Jason POV

The mean kids started to beat me up as they called me hurtful names. The counselors were nowhere to be seen, they were probably doing 'adult' stuff and Mother was making diner for us since she is the camp cook.

Upon hearing this, I became entirely distracted from the situation at hand. What sort of creature is this Mother, and what sort of powers enabled her to cook an entire diner? Perhaps she is some sort of great machine, who erects buildings in the time it would take for a human to cook a meal. But what sort of creature would eat buildings? Do they eat buildings other than diners? Bistros, perhaps?

Their fists started to pound on me violently, it hurt really bad. I wish someone would help me.

The physical attacks of these creatures also follow the theme of bended time, I began to think. Their corporeal forms, much unlike their verbal attacks, can harm a body in both the present and the future. I promised myself I would never approach them, for my own safety.

Suddenly a horribly loud screech was heard and the fists stopped and they went up to the bush where it came from and it screeched again and it moved! They ran away and left me lying there on the ground.

I ignored the fists moving independently of their hosts, only to be in awe of the native flora. A bush can screech and move! The rock I was sitting on suddenly didn't seem very friendly anymore.

I slowly got up when the bush started to shake again and I tried to run but I could not move, I was so scared that I was paralyzed. I was shaking quite a lot as the thing came out of the bushes and I gasped.

An angel.

My fear of the local wildlife had temporarily ceased. It appeared that they could only move and screech when possessed by a celestial being. But what are our angels doing in this alien dimension? Unless "angel," like "mother," is code for a great machine?

She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen besides my mother. I wasn't really into girls yet since I was only 11 but there was something special about her.

I have never seen her before. She had long, silky brown hair and icy blue eyes that could shoot into your soul. She had small lips were a very light shade of the lightest pink and had a cute small nose. Her skin was very pale and she was wearing a black shirt and a dark purple jean jacket on and a pair of dark skinny jeans and she had blue converses on. She was also wearing a chocker that gripped firmly on her neck. She looked about 13 or probably 14 and wouldn't have any interest in me. Not just because I was maybe younger, but I was hideous and I don't think any girl would love me except my mother of course, who loved me dearly.

I was so shocked that I don't think I could speak.

Though I was surprised that the creatures of this realm could comprehend the concept of "beauty," I was even more shocked at what they found beautiful. A pair of redundantly colored lips, possessing their own nose. At least it's a cute nose.

Terra POV

The boy looked very stunned at me. "He probably thinks I am going to eat him or something." I thought to myself. I decided to break the silence.

"Um, hi, are you ok?" I asked him

He blinked a few times before answering, "Uh, y-yes. Thank y-you for hel-helping me. How. how did you make that sound?" He said quiet shakily.

As the boy stuttered the Y consonant, I couldn't help but be reminded of one of my previous endeavors. Perhaps Mother was the same mother named Janice who had the car with the sky atop it? Is that why daylight only existed in buildings here?

"Oh, uh, it's just talent I guess." Well that was sort of the truth. Vampires can make a lot of strange noises of they want, to scare their prey. But I was still very young and needed lots of practice before I start hunting. But I don't think humans are all bad. Well except for those mean boys who tried to hurt this boy, whatever his name was. Oh, man! I should tell him my name, I did just scare the crap out of him.

Yes, this was within the same universe as the one I had encountered when dissecting "Precipe of Love." The nonsensical vampire had returned, with an even more incomprehensible logic than before. What species would want to alert its prey to their presence? I was lulled into a temporary sort of comfort, knowing I had survived this before.

"I'm Terra by the way what is yours?" I blurted.

"Ugh, hi, Terra, I'm Jason" He said holding out his hand so I can shake it which I gladly did.

"Hi, Jason, again," I said as I smiled at him. He laughed and I did too.

Apparently, I was not the first human to land here! These beings had enough knowledge of human communication to mock it, by mimicking our handshakes and smiles. This was somehow humorous to them.

Wait! What am I doing? He's a human! I am not even aloud to associate with humans non the less shake their hands and talk and laugh with them. But he was different I could feel it in my soul. He wasn't like other humans I could tell and not in the bad way, in a good way. His soft baby blue eyes looked right into mine and I felt something in my heart soften.

The culture that Terra comes from must have been one that communicates in a way that involves no speech or touching of the hands...

He looked like he was going to say something but the diner bell rang and he looked back and then back at me.

"Are you coming?" He asked me with a cute smile.

I wanted to say 'yes' and go in with him but I AM a vampire that no one has ever seen before.

Her vampirism seemed to be a point of obsession with her, even when communicating with another being. It only reinforced my previous theory regarding her culture not being social in any normal way.

"No, sorry I can't." I said sadly, looking at the ground.

"Oh, well then can I see you tomorrow then?" he said disappointed but still hopeful look in his eyes.

I hesitated a little before answering, "Yeah, meet me here when the sun is down, I will be expecting you." He smiled and that made me smile, but did not show my teeth since of my fangs.

That is when I recoiled in horror, for the girl's fangs were grossly disproportionate to the rest of her mouth, to the point where they would prevent the rest of her teeth from showing! I barely avoided screaming, though I had fallen off of my sitting rock.

"Okay, tomorrow. I can't wait." He said then he did the unexpected.

He hugged me.

I wanted to cry out, "Goodness no, child! The fangs will impale you!" But then I realized I didn't care.

I am pretty young for a vampire, I'm only 23 but vampires age very slowly so in vampire years I am 11 and vampires my age are not normally able to smell blood through the bodies of living things, but I smelled the blood run through his veins and it smelled good, very good. But thankfully I could control myself and I hugged him back.

He waved at me and I waved back as he made his way back to the dining hall.

I started to walk back to the hidden tunnel were I stayed and all I could think about was him. When I got there I plopped down on my bed and realized..

I love him.

I would normally question her ability to fall in love with someone she only said "Hello" to, but then again I would understand her attraction to someone just as mutated as she was. He had a deformed face, she had fangs larger than her jaw. That could complicate things.

I prepared to move onto the second chapter, and when I had, I was met with the booming voice of the universe's god!

A/N Okay, Haters listen up. I write stories for myself and for people who want to read them. If you read the summary and know that you are not going like it then don't read it, just so you can be a douchbag and write shit, thinking you are superior and stuff. If you give me a flame you are just wasting my time and yours because I am not going to stop writing my stories just because you don't like them. If I want a vampire in my story that's my problem and I love it. In case you haven't noticed, this is MY story and anything can happen. And I bet I am going to get more flames and I just want , Sketch, to know that I find you totally pathetic, wasting your time. That was all you did. I know more about Jason Voorhees than you EVER will. This is just something I thought up and I know that it will never happen, that's why this site is called fanFICTION. So, fuck off. Good day to you, sir.

Okay, I apologize for that being so long. As for the rest of you who reviewed, Thank you so much! You guys and gals are soo awesome! Anyway here's another chappie!

It... it knew. It knew I was there. Yet it did not know I could not leave, that I was trapped within this infernal plane! It knew very well that I despised its damnable creation, and attempted to ward me away, but no! I was still trapped. Yet I wondered why the god hadn't harmed me. I thought perhaps it could not hurt the creatures of Earth. I progressed onward.

Jason POV

It has been two days since I met Terra. We talk and we play things like hide-and-seek, catch, and tag. I told her how I live with my mother and she told me that she lived with her parents and her cousin. I only see her when the sun goes down though. I wonder why. And why doesn't anyone know about her?

"Maybe she didn't have any money to come stay at the cabins so she just waits until dark to do stuff" I thought to myself.

Perhaps obsession with Terra's vampirism is something akin to a disease, I thought as I dusted the particles of temporal displacement off of my trench coat. Terra had no control over how much she thought about her being a vampire, and neither does Jason, all while Jason still hadn't the slightest clue! What caused this? Bacteria, protozoa, viruses, parasites? A parasite that causes parasites to obsess over parasitism... I shoved these thoughts aside before I became wrapped in them any further. This place was starting to drive me mad.

It was getting dark so I started to go out the door so I could go to the spot where we meet, until mother stopped me.

"Jason? Where are you going?" she asked.

"Um, just gonna take a walk." I really didn't want to lie to mother I just don't want Terra to get in trouble. Even though I don't think she would say anything.

"Okay, just don't be out to late." My mother said.

"Okay, mom Thank you." I said. She smiled at me as I left.

What's this? We have encountered Mother! Yet not the slightest clue as to whether she really is a great machine! She could not possibly be Jason's actual mother, but rather a replacement, as Jason's actual mother would not let him into a potentially dangerous situation like this... But Jason's behavior hardly seems normal either. What is this mockery of reality? What... what is reality?

I walked up to the place with a lot bushes were. "Psst. Terra?" I whispered.

Whatever reality was, it allowed Jason to carry a multitude of bushes to whatever this "place" was. For what reason, I do not know.

" Hey, Jason!" she exclaimed happily as she popped out of the bushes. "Whatcha want to do?"

"Actually, I wanted to ask you some questions. Just out of curiosity"

She hesitated, "Yeah…sure. What do you want to know? Here, let's go over by the log and talk."

I nodded and followed her. "I was just wondering where do you live?"

"Oh, just in some tunnels deeper in the woods. Don't worry, it's not as bad as it seems." She was reassuring.

I felt my throat in a vice, and my eyes began to water as the circulation to my sensory organs was slowly cut off. I regretted not heeding the god's warning, for it could smite me after all! Worst of all, I felt time...

begin...

to slow down...

"Wow," I said "Do you think I could come over sometime, you know if you want?"

"Yeah, that would be cool. We should do that sometime." She said. "Anything else you want to ask me?"

I almost forgot. "Yes. Why do you hide out until nightfall and why doesn't anyone know who you are?" trying not to pressure her or anything.

No, my senses did not deceive me! The words were flowing past me with increasingly higher viscosity. Yet I felt no pain, for the god had something more torturous than physical pain in mind for me - it had boredom. Boredom, through the slowing of time, caused by these creatures' idle chatter!

"Ugh, Are those trick questions?" she asked in a nervous giggle.

"I won't tell. I promise." I said, grabbing her hand. She looked really nervous like she was going to cry.

"Jason, I want to tell you. I really do, it's just" she stopped and sighed, "It's just really hard to explain, I'm sorry."

I could feel my body aging, my cells dividing... Years were passing for me while only mere seconds passed for them.

"It's okay don't be sorry" I put my arm around her and her pale white cheeks turned pink.

"No, it's not. You're my best friend, Jason. And I have to keep secrets from you and now you're probably super confused." She said putting her head in her hands.

"What is the secret?" I was wondering "Wait! I'm her best friend?"

Can you not see the vileness of this world now? Can you not see my attempts to distract myself with constant thoughts of my own torture while these idiots prattle on about nothing for years?

"Really, I'm your best friend?" I said out loud

"Of course, am I your best friend?" she asked looking at me.

"Yes, you are!" I couldn't say it faster.

She smiled at me and rapped her arm around me in a hug. My heart skipped a beat when she did that but I hugged her back.

Wait a minute! If he knew he was unable to speak faster... Was Jason aware of the god's purposeful manipulation of time around me? Could he... could he sense me there? Was my hair turning gray? No, you cruel god! I will not surrender to you!

Terra POV

Great! I knew he would ask me sooner or later but I didn't think of an excuse. And now my best friend thinks I don't trust him.

"Great going Terra!" I thought to myself.

This shift in perspective was enough of a distraction for me to regain the normal flow of time, or whatever counts as "normal" here. Could it be... a conflict?

Oh, well. At least he stopped asking about it. I tightened my arm around him. Then just like last time I smelt his blood. But unlike last time I actually wanted to have some.

" What the heck is wrong with me? Am I going through a weird vamp puberty or something?" I questioned myself.

"Oh that's subtle!" I shouted. She did not hear me through her symbolism, despite the fact that it was transparent and thin.

It sucks being the only one in my family who was actually born in vampirism. My father, Skyler, bit my mother, Junaper , and my mother bit my cousin, Demetri. They didn't bite each other for blood. They bit each other so they would change into vampires. It is a long story. Once they are changed they never age. I, on the other hand, was born in to it. It is actually quite possible for two vampires to have a baby, but instead of 9 months, it's for 13 months and it is much harder to actually get pregnant in the first place. There are not very many of us left that is why I am one of the very few born into vamps. Vampires who are born in vampirism age until they are about 20 in vampie years and 42 in human years. It is very confusing, a lot of math involved.

Wait, perhaps she could hear me, and was trying to trigger another slowing of time through this unnecessary slew of information! No, it did not work. It was not nearly as repetitive as the previous conversation. Instead I questioned how Skyler would be a vampire if he were not born into it like Terra was... And what the hell kind of vampire would be named Skyler. What nonsense.

I wish I could just tell him this. It wasn't that I didn't trust him and I don't think he would think of me as a monster, it was the fact that my parents would kill me if they found out and Demetri would diffidently hate me for befriending a human. He has hated humans ever since he was changed. I have never hated humans, I always thought they were just like us except the blood sucking part. Wait. I could go home and explain to them that Jason is different and maybe they'll want to meet him and we could tell him together. Maybe. I hope.

She definitely was trying to torment me like the god had just moments (or years) ago. I prayed desperately for a change of scenery, somewhere where there was enough action to keep me camouflaged.

I looked up at him and he smiled and I smiled back. Jason was so amazing.

Yet, for living in such an unholy universe, they do seem to do an awful lot of smiling, if you'll look at this and the previous chapter.

Our faces got closer and I started to close my eyes and I knew was too. Our lips were almost touching until we heard someone coming.

Just then, I jumped from my seat! There seemed to be another spy - this one with a voyeurism fetish!

"Jason? Where are you!" a lady was calling for him.

I quickly pulled away. "Who is that?" I said in a quick whisper.

"My mom. But don't worry she won't tell anyone you're here." He whispered back. I shook my head.

"No, Jason, it's too much of a risk. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay. Tomorrow, Bye." He said quickly but sadly.

"Bye," I said but I just had to do this. I kissed his cheek and he lit up.

"Bye." I repeated before I sprang into the bushes and watched his mother come over.

For all my talk of madness, here I did something that my comrades consider entirely insane for someone in my position to do...

I screamed.

Yes, I screamed! For I had undergone an entire chapter, listening to these dolts prattle on as I'm being tortured by the hands of a merciless dark god, and for what!? A single kiss on the cheek? It would have been insane of me not to scream. Luckily, this stage was nearly over.

"Jason! Oh, there you are honey. I was worried sick! Come on lets go back to the cabin." She said. She sounded very nice and sweet. Maybe I could trust her. I will think about it later. I watched as she and Jason walked away.

I inwardly smiled and ran back to the tunnels. I had to make a phone call.

And here we have it, the climax that all the droning in this chapter had led up to - "I had to make a phone call." My screams had turned into riotous laughter, before we faded into the third chapter.

Terra POV

I got my phone and sat on my bed. I wiped off some dirt that was on my crimson red bedspread.

Do you see? Do you see the genius of all this?! Her bedspread is red! Red, like blood! Because she is a vampire! My neurons are ablaze with literary delight!

I dialed the number and it rang and rang and rang but turned to the voice mail, "Hello, this is the Cascade residence. Please leave a message and we will reach you as soon as we can". BEEP. Should I leave a message? I guess I should. "Hey mom, dad, Demetri? Um I have to talk", I was cut off by my mother answering the phone.

"Terra, darling, how are you? Is something wrong? Are you okay?" she said. My mother always was the worrywart.

The worrywart who would somehow allow her daughter to live in a tunnel in the woods by herself, near a camp where she could be caught by humans. I am glad that my capacity for logic has not faltered.

"I'm fine mom but I do want to talk to you about something important…I met somebody at camp". After I said that there was some silence.

No need to worry, Terra's mom, that's all that happened. Seriously. Somehow in a story about Jason fucking Voorhees and vampires, no one has died.

"NO! He didn't tell anybody about me. His name is Jason Voorhees and he was getting picked on so I just had to help mother, I just had too. He is my best friend and I think it would be alright if I told him about us. You can even come and I can prove it to you." I blurted rather quickly and somewhat loudly. Whoops...

And here is where she reveals that she had not been acting in the interest of the boy! She just had to help mother, after all... Hopefully so she could get a diner built for herself to eat. You thought I'd let you forget that?

"Young lady, do not speak to me in that manner. So…it is a he. Well I believe it would be best if you come home so we may discuss this with your father and cousin. But, I do not think it is such a good idea that you even go to that camp anymore, you could get caught and…well we'll talk about it when you come home, tonight if possible." She said sternly.

"Demetri? But you know he despises humans, that's just not fair and I'm doing fine here at camp and…just" I sighed out of frustration, "I'll leave tomorrow at nightfall so I can say goodbye to Jason. Goodbye." I said and hung up the phone since I really just didn't feel like arguing with her anymore. I wonder how long my they will make me stay, hopefully not long and what was with all the emphasis on the he, Jeez…

Knowing that she would leave her tunnel sometime soon, I contemplated moving in. It's been several days, and I hadn't a wink of sleep. It was starting to get to me, and I was beginning to see things... like time itself... No! No! I must remain lucid!

The rest of the night I preserved my things and packed my clothing and paced nervously like an idiot only fearing the outcome of what tomorrow will bring. Am I being paranoid? No, no I don't think I am. I look at the clock and it's 8 in the morning!

I understand that preserving things takes a while, but for at least eight hours?

Wow! I guess it would be a good idea to rest up for the long trip…I should take a taxi or something even though it would be faster if I just ran. There are A LOT of Stereotypes about vampires but the whole super human speed and strength thing, yeah those are true. But, I kind of don't want to go there that quickly…I need to figure out what I'm going to say anyways and to tell the truth I'm scared. What if I am never a loud to see Jason again? Thinking that made me want to break down. That was not an option, if my parents said I could never see him again then I'd just have to sneak out and see him and that would mean I would have to tell him. And if I am aloud to see him and tell him what will he think? Will he think I am a monster and tell people, no I don't think so but still…oh well, we shall see. I closed my eyes and drifted to an uneasy slumber.

Such a terribly long time to merely think... Something tells me she's not going to win any game shows any time soon.

Jason POV

It's 2 in the afternoon and lunch just ended. I sat with my mother as usual. I wish Terra could come and eat with us, she would like my mother and mother would like her. Terra still has not fully answered my questions but I guess it's alright. We were so close to kissing yesterday I just knew we would have but mom had to come into the scene. She did, however kiss me on the cheek! Her lips were so soft and warm.

I know, Jason. I was there. I was there for every agonizing second.

It's sorta weird thinking that since I'm 11 but oh well. I was helping mother clean up the dishes like I normally do and them she asked me a question that I just could NOT answer.

"Jason, what were you really doing outside yesterday?"

"Adding to my myriad torments!" I cried. She did not respond.

"I-I was just taking a walk, l-like I said I would and I" I just could not finish because she was giving me a very stern look.

Wait a minute! Perhaps she could not hear me because one of her myriad powers includes the ability to bend sound waves. How much of this was voluntary on her part, I did not know. It could be a weakness. After all, her son was just trying to tell her something.

"Jason, my special boy, you don't have to lie to me. Whatever you were doing I won't get mad." She said and smiled at me.

"Mommy, can I just please tell you when I can, I promise I will tell you but just not right now, it's nothing bad but I am not even sure what's going to happen…is that okay?" I said.

No one in this strange world is familiar with normal social interactions, hence why it is such a big deal for a child to have a friend. A big enough deal that it must be concealed from parents... Why do I imagine that the universe's god has difficulty playing with the other gods?

"Did someone mess with you or touch you in any way that you didn't want to be touched, Jason? Because if they did you need to tell me." She said looking concerned. I shook my head no and she sighed.

I'm afraid it is more than your child that had been molested, oh Mother. Try the properties of an entire universe!

" Okay, Jason, you can tell me this secret when you are ready."

"Thank you mom." I said. Now I just have to wait until nightfall so I could see Terra. Terra, my best friend in the whole world. How I wish we could be more.

What is this mockery of human behavior? What mother would send her offspring into a potentially dangerous situation this way?

Terra POV

I woke up and I looked at the clock. It was 6:45 and getting pretty dark. And I sighed and started to run to the spot we meet. I saw him waiting and…with a flower? He got me a flower? I walk over to him.

I shuddered as I imagined the Jason of our universe holding a flower. If I had not lost my mind already, this is when it would have happened.

"Hi, Jason." I try to sound as calm as possible.

"Hey, Terra, I got this for you." He held out the flower, it was a blue tulip that was greatly close to the shade of his perfect blue eyes. I hugged him and he hugged back and stood there hugging for a good 20 seconds. I smelt his blood again but I was too happy and too sad to even care.

No one had told the creator of this universe that blue tulips are actually purple. The offenses pile and pile upon one another.

"Why? Do you have to visit your family?" he asked.

"Yes, yes that is exactly the reason." I said "I'm still gonna miss you while I'm gone." I gave him a sad smile.

"Yeah, I am going to miss you too." He frowned and opened his arms for another hug which I happily did.

Their voices seemed so blended together. I did not know to what extent that sound was distorted here, or whether it was the doing of Mother, but they sounded like they were the exact same organism. Wait a minute...

"We will see each other again its only a few days" he told me.

"Yeah" I whispered.

"Terra?" I looked up at him. And…

He kissed me.

His lips were twisted but that didn't matter. He kissed me. I kissed him back. It felt so right. I never wanted to leave his side but now I didn't have a choice.

Their actions so perfectly mimic one another's. Things were finally beginning to make sense... about as much sense as they could, anyway. Any port in a storm.

"Goodbye, Jason" I whispered

"Goodbye" he said to me. I gathered my things and walked away until he also went away so I could run to the road. I already called for a taxi. I got in the taxi and it drove away from Camp Chrystal Lake. "It is just for a few days" I thought to myself.

Sadly I did not know that would be the last time I would see Jason Voorhees…alive.

She says goodbye. He says goodbye. She walks away. He walks away. Of course! But did he call a taxi, too? By the way, you now have the mental image of Jason Voorhees riding in a taxi. Holding the blue tulip from before. What, did you expect I'd suffer by myself? I hope my ramblings have proven how much the sad attempt at foreshadowing had failed at providing suspense... Ach! What's happening to my head?!

Next chapter, please.

Terra POV

After hours of driving and some taxi switching I finally got to home. It has been a few weeks since I have been home. I looked up at the castle like house.

This begs an entirely different question - how would Dr. House look up at a castle?

My parents stuck to the old fashion house we have had for years instead of buying an up to date house, which was fine with me since I love the old stuff. I looked at my watch and it said 4:43. The sun wasn't up and thank god for that! I never did get the deal with us burning every time our skin touches the sun and I probably never will. Oh, who cares I have bigger problems to worry about other than the Big light of doom.

That is because vampirism is literally a goddamn curse. You know, being damaged by all things holy? Sunlight, holy water, religious symbols? Or being doomed to wander around shitty fanfiction for eternity... sweet Azathoth, I'm on a roll with these revelations!

I walked up the steps to the Mid-evil time door we had.

Thankfully not a Max-evil time door. That's where cosmic horrors come from, you know. I've spent enough time in alien dimensions to learn these things.

I took a hold of the knocker and banged it three times and expected mother or father to answer the door but no it just had to be…Demetri.

Perhaps if she didn't waste so much time pondering the sun, someone more preferable would have opened the door. I have no idea why I'm still dwelling on that.

He opened the door and smirked. "Hello, cousin. What can I do for you this fine evening? Maybe I could wack the brain leeched from your infested head?" he said swooshing his blond hair. He always did suck at teasing me and it seems that mother has told him, great!

I pushed him aside and walked in with my bags in hand. He came up to me and grabbed them from me. "Terra, I was just teasing. Now, why did you come home, really?" he said. So he doesn't know? I was about to say something but my father, Skyler walked in with his arms open.

"Father," I exclaimed as I jumped into his arms. He is truly the only one who really gets me in this family. Hopefully he will understand.

"Terra, I have missed you greatly!" he said as he spun me around, "Don't worry we have not yet told, Demetri." He whispered. I sighed in relief. "Thank you, daddy." I whispered back. Demetri was not there anymore and neither were my bags so obviously he went to put my things in my room. Father released me from his arms. "Where is mother?" I asked.

"Right behind you," I heard mother say and turned around to hug her, she hugged back. "I missed you" she said. "I missed you too, Mom." I replied

Demetri came back down stairs swiftly. "Alright, your stuff is back in your room and I know you three are keeping secrets from me so what is it?" His arms were crossed and his face serious.

Mother let go of me, "Alright just let me get the boards up on the windows before we all burn to death." She said and then closed her eyes, then, she pulled her arm up in the air and just like that the windows were completely covered and there was no speck of light that could get to us. My mother is telekinesis, true, but she was way before she was a vampire. Actually she was more than just telekinesis when she was human. She was a witch but lost most of her powers when she was changed.

Perhaps this is yet another curse of the vampire - having amazing powers, yet having so few situations where they'd actually be useful, thus being forced to talk and talk and talk about them.

"Alright now, Demetri, You know how Terra has been going to that summer camp?" Mother asked him.

"Yes, I know, with all the little piglets how could I forget. But what I want to know is why she is back so soon. Not that I don't like your presence, cousin." He said. Why does he call me cousin all the time, I shall never know. And the way he said piglets ticked me off.

"From what I know, Demetri," I said, "You were one of those piglets." Now he looked angry.

"Terra, please," Father told me. "Demetri, Terra has made a friend and she believes it would be alright if she told him about us and we decided we would discuss it." He said calmly. But as calmly as he put it Demetri looked at me in disgust.

"Terra, how could you? You are friends with one of those heartless savages and you want him to go tell everyone in the world about us." He said and then looked at my parents. "And you. You are willing to discuss it. What kind of vampires are you?" His glare was hard with anger and betrayal.

Those last words from Demetri shook me from my slumber, just from how vehemently I'd agree with it. What kind of vampires ARE THEY? In fact, what is wrong with all of the parents in this universe?

"We are reasonable vampires and I do believe we should hear Terra out. Maybe this human is different and maybe we should give him a chance." Father replied.

"And he is not a heartless savage, he is my best friend and that should tell you something" I added.

Yes, Demetri. It tells you that perhaps it is time to lock your dumbass cousin outside so she can be burned up by the "Big Light of Doom."

"And what if he is not as perfect as you claim? What if he exposes us? Other than that I am sure you would be hurt by the betrayal. Do you want to go through all of that?" My mother said.

"He won't expose us. Trust me I know I am not going to be hurt. How can I prove it?" I asked.

"How about you not prove anything and you tell him that we are blood drinking vampires and if he freaks out and decides to spill then I get to dismember him?" Demetri asked with a sly smile.

"NO!" I yelled. "I will not let you touch him!" Mother put her hand on my shoulder.

"Demetri that is not amusing and not rational." She said.

Actually, Terra's mom, it's the most amusing and rational thing that's happened in this dimension so far.

"It is most certainly not. I have a better suggestion, Terra, if this boy does 'freak' on you then you must leave immediately and never see him again. Besides even if he tells someone there is no way they will believe them. So do we have a deal?" father looked at me.

I sighed, "Yes, we have a deal." He smiled and hugged me. "You are growing up so fast. So, how long do you planning on staying before going back to your friend?" he asked.

"I guess I could stay for 3 or 4 days before leaving." I smiled. Demetri still looked peeved.

"I still think it is a stupid idea." He looked away. As angry as he was with me I didn't care in three days I will be back with Jason.

I really do not like the scare quotes around the word "freak." I don't know much about the crazy slang these days, but if rap videos serve as a correct reference... No. I'd better stop thinking about it.

…

TWO DAYS LATER…

The past two days have been great. Drinking human blood, even from a bag in the fridge, beats animal blood any day! Demetri has been almost completely avoiding me which kind of hurts but I am sure he will get over it, hopefully…

One lives a sad existence if the highlight of one's stay with family is drinking blood from a bag. I'm reminded terribly of a similar experience I had with Chinese food at my brother's house.

I was in my room and it was 9:25 in the morning and the windows were boarded up. This was going to be the last day at home and then I get to see Jason! I am so excited even only after a few days I missed him terribly. I walked by my dresser and picked up the blue tulip he had gotten for me. I smiled as I remembered how we shared our first kiss. I yawned and put the tulip down. I was wearing my fuzzy black pajamas. I slipped into bed and quickly fell asleep.

I am wearing my silky purple Cheshire Cat pajamas. It is equally as relevant, damn it.

"Where am I?" I thought. There were trees everywhere and I started to walk through the deep dark forest. All of a sudden I stopped as I started to cough and I kept coughing and something was coming out.

That strange liquid is my contempt for you, Terra. It's as viscous as it is terrific.

Water, I was literally drowning on water that I never drank or was in? This is making no sense. Vampires do not even need to breath and yet I am suffocating on water.

Vampires do not even need to constantly remind themselves that they are in fact vampires, but there you go anyway.

I fell to the hard cold ground and as I choked I looked up to see a man, a BIG man. He had a hockey mask on and some pretty worn out clothes. I raised my arm out to him hoping he would help me. He looked down at me and tilted his head and raised a machete in the air as I struggled to get up as I was choking. He took his foot and pinned me down as he raised his machete again to kill me.

Now, if I wanted to, I could pretend that this little adventure ended here and that we could all walk away happy... but no. I had been at the brink of madness and back, and by the dead gods I will plunge straight into the void to see my task completed.

I woke up in my mother's arms trying to wake me up. "Terra, are you okay? You were just having a nightmare, that's all. Maybe you should stay home just one more day before leaving." She said concerned.

"No, I'm fine. Like you said it was just a bad dream" I said trying to shake myself.

"Alright, you should get going if you want to get there before morning." She sighed. I went up and hugged her.

"I will call, don't worry." I said smiling. She smiled back and hugged me again.

If you want a gold star or oral sex or some dinosaur stickers from me, then take the time to count how many fucking times people hug in this damn thing. I cannot stand it anymore.

…

Demetri didn't bother on giving me a hug he just waved and said the usual 'goodbye' which really did not matter. I got out of the taxi.

That was... quick. As if she had teleported into the taxi, which teleported to her destination... Space and time, my friend. They are not as we know it.

It was 5:12 so it was still dark out. I walked through the trees and stopped. This was the same area in my dream. I decided to run and I started to hear sirens. I wondered what was going on and hid behind a bush and there were police cars and a news lady was talking so I decided to listen in.

"Cindy Volvo here with tonight's news, a young boy named Jason Voorhees drowned today. The kids say he was swimming and when they went off and came back he was gone. The body has not been found yet,"

And there you have it, folks - The world's quickest news team on the world's slowest news day. But then again, there's that weird timey-wimey thing I keep mentioning.

I stopped listening I could not bear any more. How could this have happened? I should have never left him. I should have told him before and let him come with me. I should have done something! I put my head in my hands. I felt something, wet running down my cheek. I touched my face and it was blood. Another blood drop fell from my eye. I was crying…blood.

CRAAAAAAAWLLLLIIIIING IN MY FUZZY BLACK PAJAAAMAAAAAAAS

But no, seriously? This… is beautiful. Absolutely fucking beautiful. A situation so heart-wrenchingly dramatic that ordinary tears wouldn't satisfy it - it required tears of blood. It's as poetic as a punch in the balls.

I have never cried before. I walked away from the scene with a blood streaked face when I saw two of the boys that were picking on Jason the day I met him. They were whispering in a bush where no one could see or hear them. As dead as I was inside I listened.

In this world, bushes are magical. Celestial beings can possess them, Jason can carry around some of them, they can be hidden behind, and now we find that they can alter sound waves much like Mother. I would not be surprised to find that bushes are worshiped here.

"Timmy, we could get in really big trouble. We could go to prison if they found out that we killed him." One of the boys said.

"Ssshh. Dummy, be quiet. It was not just us it was a bunch of people's faults. Just be quiet and we won't get in trouble." The other boy said.

I was shaking violently on the other side of the bush.

What did I tell you?! Divine properties!

A bunch of 10 and 11 year olds killed Jason. My Jason. More blood spilled from my eyes, I was so full of anger and rage. Humans are evil. Humans are heartless savages, Except for Jason and his mother. The rest are horrible creatures. They have all wrong in books and in movies we are not the monsters…they are.

Punch. In. The. Balls.

I stood up and the two boys looked up at me a gasped. They deserve to die. I grabbed them both by the head and before they scream I bashed their heads together. It made a rather loud cracking sound but nobody noticed since the sirens.

Since I was there, I'll note that at first the people around wondered, "What on earth was that noise?"
Only the sirens saw anything, but they were all, "Iss coo', G." Then they kept, uh, sirening. Everyone pretended that nothing was out of the ordinary.

Blood poor from their small heads and some got on my fingers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Terra. I know that you're heartbroken and all, but that's no excuse for classism. Who are you to distinguish what blood is poor and what blood is merely working class?

I lifted my hand to my face and smelled the blood, it smelled so good. I licked the blood from my fingers but I could not drink right now. I am too heartbroken. I ran to my things, I grabbed the tulip and left everything else there I did not want anything else except Jason but that was impossible.

Oh, it's certainly possible. Did you know that a man's body can keep an erection for up to six hours after death?

I ran was I going home?

"Sorry kid, I don't know."
"A fghanistan was I going home?"
"I don't know either."
"I srael was I going home?"
"How about you ask a country that's actually somewhere near your home? Dumb bitch."

I did not know and I did care. I just wanted to leave that place. Leave it forever and drift into my own world of insanity.

Oh, Terra. You're already in a world of insanity. You just have to make the best of it... like me. Heh. Heh heh. HeheheheHUAHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sorry about that, I just remembered a joke. A joke that has nothing to do with what we're doing right now, which is going on to the next chapter.

24 YEARS LATER!

Jessica POV

WHO THE FUCK IS JESSICA

"Steven, Knock it off" I said smacking my boyfriend of two years hand off my leg. "Keep your eyes on the road; you're going to get us killed."

"Come on babe I was just having some fun" he said wiggling his eyebrows.

"Keep it in your pants until we actually get there." Joe said from the back seat.

"Why are we even going to this camp? Isn't it haunted or something?" Jillian asked.

"It's haunted?" I asked nervously.

"Nah, it's just a story." Joe responded.

"Here we are…Camp Crystal Lake"

It's only haunted by sacred bushes and some vampire chick with nothing better to do than attend summer camp. Also, by me, I suppose.

Jason POV!

I was patrolling the area for trespassers when I saw a car pull up. Four teenagers came out of it. How dare they come here!

Jason... are you okay? You're... still forming coherent sentences. Do you need a whack to the skull?

One of the boys grabbed one of the girls and they started kissing. They were probably going to do that repulsive thing that teenagers do.

You mean take duckfaced pictures to put on Facebook? The horror!

I gripped my machete tighter. I will dispose of all. I thought to myself.

I went back to the tunnels and started to sharpen my machete. When will people learn not to come here? Every time someone comes here they die and yet people still come. As I sharpened my weapon I watched the sparks fly out. I was thinking of the ways I could kill them then my mind reverted to my own death. Of how the other children pushed me into the dark water, knowing I couldn't swim; they laughed and no one would think twice about helping me and how years later a worthless teenager killed my mother, decapitated her right in front of me. I killed the person and yet was still vengeful. My mother didn't want the camp to be reopened so another boy or girl would suffer the fate that I had and for that reason she was killed. My heart hurt when I thought about my mother and it also hurt when I thought of… her. I stopped sharpening the machete I saw her image in my head clear as day even if it had been years since I have actually seen her. Terra, the thought of her name made my heart clench again. I wonder what she is doing at this very moment. She probably has a boyfriend, a boyfriend who talks with her, kisses her, touches her, my eyes shut tight at the thought and I took my machete and stabbed it deep in the ground. Does she even remember me? I bet she doesn't. She has gone on with her life and I am just a distant memory to her. I snapped out of my trance and continued sharpening. I will make sure those vile teenagers have a gruesome death.

The only reason I didn't interrupt that little monologue was to emphasize the sheer deliciousness of it. The most lucid paragraph in this entire trainwreck, and it's coming from the character who is canonically retarded. Too bad that this won't last for very long.

Terra POV!

"No, no please! Spare me! I'll give you anything you want!" the person pleaded.

I smirked "Let me think," I tapped my finger on my chin slowly. The human was crying and begging me not to kill her right after I Devoured her worthless husband.

"No, I don't think I will." I said and she ran for it…well, she tried to make a run for it but I ran in front of her and grabbed her by the neck.

"Please," she whimpered before I bit her neck and drank from her and left her without a speck of blood in her lifeless body.

Shit - it's her again. But hey, at least she's actually acting like a vampire instead of just talking about it-

I walked back to the house and jumped into my window. I am much older now, 38 and yet I look like a 16 or 17 year old human.

I spoke too soon. At least we get the rather comical image of her literally jumping into the window rather than through it. Like walking into a screen door.

I still live at home, but only because my parents wanted me too. I didn't know what Demetri thought but I didn't give a fuck. I looked at my calendar…it is the date that he died. My hands were shaking as I dropped the calendar. I climbed into bed and brought my head in my hands.

Someone knocked on my door. I looked up to see my mother walk in.

"You know you could have waited till I said you could come in?" I said with a glare.

"Terra, I know your upset that it is the day that your friend died but it has been 24 years since that happened and you let that whole ordeal ruin your outlook on humans and look at you, you're a mess. An-"

I stopped her. "Mother you have said that every single year and I still have not changed. What, is it that you think I am a monster? Jason Voorhees was more than a friend, way more!"

"Yeah, we liked, kissed and stuff!"

Kids, this is your brain on Twilight. Don't do it.

"Maybe you need closure…go to the camp and resolve this" she said putting her hand on my shoulder.

She acts as if she cares but I know that she just feels pity and annoyance for me. She doesn't like to have an unstable and monstrous vampire daughter. Even my father shows it. They do love me it's just they can't stand me anymore. It doesn't seem that anybody needs me. But If I died then I could be with Jason or at least I wouldn't exist and save everyone from this misery including myself. But if I died then I want to go to the place where it all started, Camp Crystal Lake.

And now Angsty Sue becomes delightfully self-aware of her own pointlessness. Yes, please. Save me from my misery.

I looked up at my mother. No way was I going to tell her that I was going to kill myself!

"Your right mother I need to resolve this once and for all." I gave her a fake smile and gave her a quick hug and then I left…forever.

"Your left mother has absolutely nothing to worry about. She's the good twin."

I looked at the sky and tilted my head. I still have more than 4 hours to do what I have got to do. I have am much faster than when I was a child.

I, on the other hand, have really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like. Moreso than when I was a child.

…

At Camp Crystal Lake

Terra POV

Walking in the forest was kind of unconformable since I haven't been here since I found out Jason was murdered.

Unconformable? Don't tell me that nowadays them punk teenagers are always walking around in forests to be rebellious.

I looked around and I saw the lake. I went over to it and looked at the murky water. Suddenly I heard a noise, laughing. I looked over to see a small group of people surrounding a campfire. Well, a last meal wouldn't hurt would it?

Yes, it can. For every second that your death is postponed, my body rots inside. It isn't savory, dammit. But we've got three more chapters of this monstrosity. Onto chapter six we go.

Jillian POV

We were all sitting on logs around a campfire. Jessica was wrapped around Steven's arm tightly and Joe was chugging a beer. I was just sitting there and sipping some spiked lemonade when I heard a branch crack from the woods. I jumped.

Ye gods! Alcohol and cuddling!? Of all the horrors in a horror story, this is the most horrific.

"What was that?" I said. Damn, why was I so jumpy?

"It was probably Jason Voorhees…coming to kill us." Steven said with a smirk. Jessica bumped him a little.

"Babe, come on your scaring her and me too," Jessica said.

"Who's Jason Voorhees?" I asked.

"He's the kid that drowned in the lake because the counselors weren't watching him and years later his psycho mom killed the owners so the camp wouldn't open again or some shit like that but this one chick hacked her so now he's like a zombie or something and he seeks revenge on people who 'trespass' on his land. Oh, he also hates it when teens drink…" he took a long drink of his beer. "Or have sex," he pulled Jessica in for a long kiss.

Let's not forget about the fact that, oh yeah, TWO LITTLE BOYS HAD THEIR HEADS CRUSHED YEARS EARLIER. Unless that somehow went unnoticed because the sirens were blaring for twenty-four years. Sirens are magic like that.

Joe leaned toward them, "You forgot he hates pot heads but since we don't have any can I join in?" Joe said jokingly or at least think he is joking.

"Hell No!" Steven pushed Joe off the log he was sitting in and Joe started to laugh his ass off.

I was getting very nervous and now I have to pee…really bad. "Guys I'm going to go to the bathroom I will be back." I said as I left for the latrines.

The wildlife in this world is far more fascinating than the people, I will admit. Like a log that one can sit inside of.

Jason POV

I watched behind some trees as the foolish teenagers talked about me and my mother. How dare they talk about her that way. One of the boys asked if he could joinin the couples disgusting act they are about to do. One of the girls left; this is my chance, I will kill her first.

Jason somehow feels the need to articulate what just happened, and the fact that he's going to kill them. Of course he's going to kill the chick! He's Jason, it's not like he's going to be inviting them to a cocktail party at his beach house in Boca. Let's move on.

As she walked I kept somewhat of a distance so I could wait until she was far enough so the others were not going to be able to see her. She went into the bathroom. I walked in because I am not going to wait for this girl to be done going to the bathroom. She was going to open one of the stalls when she saw me and of course she started to scream. I grabbed her by the throat to silence her. I pinned her to the wall. Her eyes filled with tears and fear. I smirked under my mask and stabbed my machete in her stomach repeatedly. Blood hurled everywhere. Finally I cut her throat to finish the job. Her body fell to the floor.

It doesn't sound like he's in the middle of the act of killing here. Sounds more like he's updating his LiveJournal. Seriously, I had to rub my eyes for a moment just to keep myself from seeing below:

Current Location: Crystal Lake (still)
Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Lady Gaga - Poker Face

Content of what I just did I left her dead body on the ground and started to walk where the others where to finish them off as well.

As I was walking I stopped. I heard moans and grunts from the opposite way of the campsite. The teenagers are doing it. I walked toward the sounds, ready to kill them all.

Kill all the sounds? Seems like he's inherited his mother's ability to alter sound waves.

Terra POV

I watched in disgust as the worthless piles of flesh talked about Jason and his mother. I was too busy listening to them I did not notice nor did I care for the girl who left.

Wait, if you didn't notice, then how did you…? Never mind.

Who did these fuckers think they were? I saw that one Steven guy carry off that other chick to the woods.

For worthless piles of flesh, apparently one of them is important enough to name.

They are probably going to have sex. The other guy stayed put on the log and opened another beer. I will kill this guy first and then I'll finish the rest off.

You're going to eat all of them? Fatty.

I quickly ran over and stood right in front of him and he looked up at me.

"Where the fuck did"- I cut him off by swiftly tilting his head roughly and sunk my teeth into his neck. He tried to break free but I held him in. He whispered the other for help but it was no use.

The nearby shrubbery absorbs sounds like crazy you know, especially whispers.

I drank some of his blood but decided to save room for the others. I got up and started to hear female moans. Time to ruin a Fuck Fest.

Ruining the Fuck Fest?! If it's in any way related to the Fuckparade, I think Technoviking would want a word with you.

I calmly paced through the forest and thought back to when I was a child. How I loved trees and loved nature.

You mean you actually had interests outside of smooching Jason and blabbing about being a vampire? Good god, just when you think you know everything…

I shook out of it. Now I have to stop thinking such things. I kept listening for sounds…but suddenly they stopped.

A bush got in the way!

I decided to get it over with and ran to where the sounds were coming from. I stopped in shock. There was a humongous guy with a hockey mask and he had a machete stabbed through the young couple who were naked and clung together. I saw the guy and remembered that he was the exact person from my dream I had years ago before…

Not like all those other huge guys in hockey masks you see wandering around. This one's the one!

I stood still as I examined in. He turned to me and I could see his eyes widen and then I realized something else much deeper than a guy from a dream…

Cue the music!

Jason POV

I dug my machete right through the guy's back. They did not even notice me before it was too late. They clung to each other as they died telling each other that they loved each other. What did they know about love anyways?

I heard something and turned around. My eyes widened in shock. No…it couldn't be. Could it?

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Tchaikovsky - Romeo and Juliet: Love Theme (where the fuck did this come from?)

Next chapter, yarr.

"Damn," Joel Lid said, staring at Jason Voorhees' murdering record. "Why can't they just shoot the guy?" He asked his co-worker in his office.

"Maybe I'll ask my friend, Stuart Plasticwrap."

"Because sir, he is, well let's just say…dead already or so what people think." Carl said.

"Yet we still keep updating the records. Then again, deceased children returning from their watery grave to slaughter campers is just one of those things…"

"That's bullshit! No way is this mother fucker a zombie," Joel replied. No way did he believe this, Carl thought.

Joel did not believe it.

What? I thought it'd bear repeating a third time.

"Well sir are you going to do the case or not?" Carl said.

"Yeah, sure…We'll call for back-up and we'll catch him." Joel thought for a minute and said, "Tomorrow we will." He said with a smug smile. "See you Tomorrow, Carl" Joel said as he was leaving his office.

"Night…" Carl said. He knew this was going to end badly.

One or both of them will be eaten by Terra/stabbed by Jason. They know it, and they aren't even aware of Terra's existence yet.

Terra POV

I looked up at Jason. The only thing that was between us was two dead bodies. I am sure that is Jason. He just stood there and his breathing got harder.

Among other-

No.

I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I missed him but I am not even sure if he remembers me. I noticed he hasn't even tried to kill me yet which I think is a good thing but he took his machete in his hand and gripped it firmly.

Please, please, no! Don't make me…

He looked at me as if he was examining me. Maybe talking to him will refresh his memory.

"J-Jason…is that you?" I ask trying to sound calm but could hear my voice getting scratchy.

Jason tilted his head at the mention of his name. He looked kind of…cute when he did that.

He does that whenever he sees something interesting. Including an SUV housing two mid-coitus teenagers. So… not necessarily a good thing for you.

Jason POV

I stared at the girl who looked so much like my old friend. Everything in my mind told me to kill her but she reminded me so much of Terra; but was it really her? It's been a very long time and this girl looked like she was a teenager. But…when we were kids Terra looked older then she really was so it might be her. I was very confused. The girl was not running from me. I grabbed my machete and kept it close in case she tried something. I wanted her to show me…a sign of some sort that it was her.

"J-Jason…is that you?" The girl said and I tilted my head. She has the same voice as her.

The girl's face lit up a little when I did this. I nodded my head 'yes' and she slightly gasped. Something told me that was her but I kept my ground. I wanted to be absolutely sure. I tilted my head again. She blinked a few times.

Do we really need to see the same scene over again?

"Jason…do you remember who I am?" She asked me. I noticed her lip and it seemed it was slightly trembling.

I know now that it is her. It must be. I nodded my head slowly and she smiled. She started to walk towards me and I just stood still wondering what she is doing.

You and I both, brotha. For seven chapters, too!

Terra POV

I can't believe Jason is actually alive! I slowly start to walk towards him and he stiffened.

OH GOD DAMMIT

I stopped and looked up at his face. He was wearing a hockey mask but I could still see his eyes and they were just staring at me with curiosity and confusion. I didn't bother walking around the bodies, I just stepped on them. Jason looked down at me as I slowly started to wrap my arms around his waist. As soon as my arms were on him I could not control myself; I hugged him tightly. My arms couldn't reach all around him but I got what I could get. I felt Jason hesitate but slowly felt his arms circle around me hugging me closer to him. We hugged for a good five minutes and then I felt his arms loosen.

A teenage girl squishes her feet on two people slain while having intercourse to hug a zombie on a killing spree. How romantic! It makes Romeo and Juliet's scene on the balcony look like Satan and Hitler's scene with the pineapple.

I let go and smiled at him. He tilted his head at me. I have to admit it is a little weird having us act like this towards each other and I'm pretty sure he felt that way too since he slowly shrugged my arms off his shoulders.

I was about to say something when I felt a burning feeling on my skin. I looked at the sky and saw that the sun was starting to come up. I gasped and looked up sadly at Jason, knowing I had to get out of the daylight.

In other words:
"Good heavens, just look at the time!"

"Jason, I have to get out of here…now," I said. He shook his head 'No' and I sighed.

"I just need to get out of the Sun, Jason, please I don't want to go." I looked up at him and he tilted his head in confusion.

I gasped when he put me over his shoulder and started walking towards the tunnels.

You know, Jason, I was just kidding, but I'll let you finish with that.

I could easily get out of his grasp but he still does not know about me being a vampire and I still need to tell him.

How can this be when apparently this entire universe seems to function around you being a vampire?

I also enjoyed the fact that he was carrying me. He brought me in a section of the tunnel with an old bed in it. He plopped me on it and I noticed how dusty it was. I felt a lot better now that I was out of the sun.

I looked up at him and saw his hand slowly reach for me. I watched as he slowly put his large gloved hand in my hair; he rubbed my head slowly and I smiled but it was too good to last. He removed his hand from my hair and went to a very large knife sharpener or something and started to sharpen his machete. Sparks flew out of it. I decided I was going to watch him from the distance I was at because I did not want to make him angry at me.

Somehow, this little tender scene manages to be far more disturbing than any pornographic depiction that the author could have ever inserted.

Oh god, I just said "inserted."

Jason's POV

I brought Terra back to the tunnels because she said she had to be out of the sun. I don't know why though. I remember wondering many things about her, she was always so mysterious. I looked over at her as I sharpened my machete. She smiled at me. I had missed her very much and here she was…with me. I tried to shake some of the thought out of my head since I am a killer and can't act like this.

How startlingly self-aware. The only way it could be more so is if he started sparkling.

But it is Terra. I will have plenty of time to think about those things later. I do however plan on keeping her with me forever.

You can keep her next to your mumsy's severed head. You might have to find some way to keep her from squirming off, though. I'm sure we'll find out (or not) in the next (and final for now!) chapter!

Terra POV

I am so freaking bored!

It was now…something in the afternoon and all that was happening was Jason sharpened his machete, then stares at me, then he leaves for no apparent reason.

And the self-awareness returns!

He left me on this bed, knowing I couldn't leave when the sun was up.

I got up from the bed to explore the tunnels, there was no harm in that was there?

…..

Walking down the halls, I looked and realized that there were bones in the dirt-made walls. I looked at the ground and noticed that bones were scattered all over the damn place.

"I never saw them until I looked directly at them. Funny how this place works."

I wondered how Jason came back to life it makes no sense…about as much sense as vampires. I thought as I chuckled.

I also pondered why he killed. I mean I understand why, but the Jason I know always seemed so sweet and looked as if he couldn't hurt a fly…but he wasn't a child anymore and I guess he realized that the world is not as innocent as it claims. I think he knew it all along but couldn't do anything about it. But now he could at least…make a dent in it, by killing useless, idiotic teenagers.

I sighed and went back to the other room to wait for Jason to return.

"So a little boy I knew from my childhood grew up to become a hulking murderer. Whoop dee doo."

Jason POV

I walked passed through some trees as I searched for any other pesky teenager who might be hiding.

As I walked pass the campsite where the teenagers were and I noticed a dead body lying next to one of the logs.

It's "past!" Fucking past!

I walked over to it and picked it up by its head. I tilted my head, trying to remember killing it. I don't recall ever killing this one. I looked closer at it and noticed two holes in his neck. Whoever killed this person it was not me, but whoever it was they seems to have left and if not then I will dispose of them soon enough.

Current Mood: confused

I took carried his body and the girl who I killed in the bathroom and started back to the tunnels where I could put them and later I will come back for the rest.

I looked up at the sky. It would be getting dark soon and I didn't want Terra leaving the tunnel. She said she could not go out into the sun so I assumed I could leave her without tying her up. If I find out she had tricked me than I will simply retrieve her and bring her back but she will lose my trust which she barely has now.

Current Mood: indescribable

Even though she is still my best friend, it has been years and things have changed.

"She has tits now. I'm not sure if I like that."

I was almost at the entrance of the tunnel when I heard sirens. I growled and turned to see four police cars come through the forest.

I went closer and hid behind some trees. There seemed to be 8 men, which will be easy to get rid of.

Seems that trees can alter light waves the way that bushes warp sound waves. I'm sure that trained policemen can spot an oversized zombie in a forest otherwise.

But if he falls… can they hear him make a sound?

Joel Lid POV

I can't believe how ridiculous this is! When I meant back-up I was expecting 3 or 4 men; but 7? Damn this guy better be worth it, and I better get a raise after this.

We had guns and that was it. They said to just skip bringing him to prison and just kill the fucker.

The guys started to spread out over the camp site. Let's just get this over with.

The police have arrived. Yes, it still bears repeating!

Terra POV

I was lying down on the bed thinking when suddenly I heard sirens coming from outside. My first thoughts were to Jason. What if they shoot him down? I know he's already dead but that doesn't mean he still can't get hurt, does it?

Bitch clearly hasn't read The Zombie Survival Guide.

I ran to the opening of the tunnel and automatically stopped. I looked up to see the sun setting, but not fast enough. I stood there waiting for my chance to get out and help Jason.

Picture this whole scene in your head as if it were a movie. Girl is lying in bed thinking. She gets up and runs to the tunnel opening. She stops in front of it.

So no game show wins or Academy Awards.

Jason POV

The men spread out and two of them were coming in my direction.

I came out from behind the tree and grabbed both of their heads and smashed them both on the tree.

Number of words dedicated to telling that Terra is a vampire: OVER 9000
Number of words dedicated to actual murder in a Friday the 13th story: ...this.

I started to go wear another few were searching.

"You see, policemen are all the rage in fashion this season! Just throw one over your neck, or tie him on your head for an avante-garde look!"

I stopped when I heard voices and the sound of running coming towards me. They must have heard something. There were 3 of them coming.

Should have done it behind a bush, Paco.

They saw me and before they could react, I swung my machete, cutting off one of the men's head. Then I stabbed my machete deep in one of the men's chest.

They all share one chest and one head, you know. But not at the same time.

After I pulled it out of him I was about to kill the third one, when he shot my arm. Blood squirted out; it did not hurt, I have been shot many times before this one. I lifted my weapon and swiftly and easily cut him in half. The top part of him slid off the bottom half of him with a slick and squishy sound.

I walked away as if it were nothing. There are 3 men left and I will make sure each will pay for coming here.

Current Song: Another One Bites the Dust

Terra POV

I jumped when I heard a gun-shot. I put my hand out to test to see if I can go out without being burned alive….I felt nothing and without thinking I ran into the woods.

I quickly stopped when I saw one of the cops. He was examining the guy I killed yesterday and he looked pretty disgusted. This reminded me I should probably get something to eat since I won't know when more people will come.

I really don't like to play with my food so I just ran over there and took a bite of his neck and started sucking his blood. I was so caught up in the blood I didn't realize someone watching.

For fuck's sake, a fucking flower got more loving descriptions than these deaths!

Joel POV

I was hiding in the bushes while I watched one of my fellow cops being drained of blood.

"Yeah, I just watched. What?! It was erotic!"

Damn, this was a lot more fucking serious than I thought. This chick was a vampire or something. But vampires aren't real…neither is undead, zombie, psychopaths, right?

I looked away from the horrific scene only to see a large man behind some trees. He was wearing a mask and he was holding a weapon. Only, he wasn't staring at me; he was staring at the vampire girl killing my coworker.

I slowly got up and ran from the scene. I ran as fast as I could. I got to the squad car. Luckily the keys were still in and I put it in drive and I drove as fast as it would go. I managed to escape with my life but what about the others? And what am I going to say? Nobody at head quarters is going to believe me, so I guess I have to get some help elsewhere.

"But first, to update my LiveJournal!"

Jason POV

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Was that Terra! What was she doing to that man's neck? I could tell she was sucking on his neck…and she was drinking something out of him, which just had to be blood.

Because any other fluid would require…

No, no, I'll stop there.

My mind reverted to the body I found earlier. It had two holes in its neck. The holes weren't made by a weapon of some sort, they were made my teeth. But, the teeth must have been very sharp and…I am very confused.

I just watched her take the life of that man. She is a killer? I wasn't sure but I plan to find out.

Of course not. Killing a man obviously makes her a botanist.

I was brought back to reality when I felt a bullet strike my back.

I turned and I saw the man with a gun. His hands were shaking and he was sweating.

I punched him in the face. I heard his skull crash in. His eyes rolled back into his head and instantly fell to the ground.

I turned back around to see Terra standing up and facing me. She was panting and her mouth and chin were painted with blood.

"I then punched her in her stupid face for making me turn around AGAIN!"

Terra POV

I looked up at Jason. His eyes were wide and he seemed confused. I felt blood on my chin and turned around so my back faced him. I was wiping the blood on my face with my hands when I was turned back around by Jason. His large hands were on my shoulders. What am I supposed to say?

Say "Diarrhea." Go on. It'll be hilarious. It's a magic word that makes anything comical.

"Mrs. Foster, your husband only has two months to live. There is nothing we can do to save his liver or his kidneys. He also has diarrhea."

"Jason…I can explain." I said.

Jason pointed at the drained body and then back at me while he tilted his head.

Must be his way of telling her he'd like to try the same thing on her. Draining a vampire of blood would be so delightfully ironic. I think even Jason would realize this.

"Yes, Jason, I can explain that too…I can explain everything." I said. I went over and sat on the log and patted the seat next to me.

Jason actually sat down, which I was surprised of. Okay, no more secrets.

"Jason?" I asked, "What do you know about…vampires?"

I began jotting down my response to this, though my mind had burnt itself out long ago, when suddenly I felt a strange pulling sensation. Yes, a pulling. Not at any body part in particular, but rather my entire structure. Every atom in my body, forced downward…

Downward…

down…

Had "Undead Lovers" ended already? That could be the only reason I felt the world around me dissolving, everything turning white…

I found myself sprawled on a cold floor, my head throbbing with pain. When the room stopped spinning, I realized it was a room in my own house. Peculiarly I was still wearing the Cheshire Cat pajamas, yet my hat and trench coat were sitting upon one of the chairs.

On another chair was a guest, whom I had completely forgotten I even had at the time. He must have been remarkably patient to wait so long. It appeared he had even grown something of a beard. I stared at him for a while, thinking of what I could possibly say in this situation. I took my own advice, and said meekly, "Diarrhea?"

He ignored that to look me straight in the eye and ask, "Baroness on Hacker, do you even know what you were doing?"

I stammered. "There was this, uh, this girl. And she was a vampire, and then-"

"No, Baroness. You have been drinking."

"Nonsense, my good man! You know very well that I abhor alcohol."

"No. Not alcohol. No liquor could have caused your little episode. Look there." He pointed over by the computer, at a severed cable.

"I don't understand."

"The internet. You were drinking the internet."

I looked at the cable again, then back at him. "Pardon me. You may leave now."

After he had taken his coat and left, I checked the pockets of my own coat. All the notes I had taken in "Undead Lovers" were still there, my handwriting growing increasingly jittery as I succumbed to insanity. I may have been drunk on the internet, but that horrible episode was no mere hallucination.

The only thing I can do is wait patiently to see if that dimension's god creates another chapter for me to explore.

Friday the Thirteenth Fanfiction Dissected

2009-12-13T02:31:00.009-06:00

Children, let us gather around the campfire once more for a sampling of fanfiction gathered from across the tubes. For tonight, I bring you a series written by a young lady known as Sam the Vampire. It is called "New Friends," followed by the unfinished as of now "Dead Friends," and it-

Oh no, no, no! Don't eat it now! I understand it looks very tempting, but like any meat at a bonfire fest, it must be... roasted.

Anyway, this story begins rather similarly to the famous Twilight series. A pale, self-conscious brunette comes to a new school, meets a stranger with a secret, and befriends his mysterious comrades. Innocent enough, right? Only thing is, that stranger just so happens to be Jason Voorhees. His comrades are Freddy Kruger and Michael Myers. The authoress notes:

ok this story i made is when Jason voorhees, Freddy Kruger, and Micheal Myers where kids. just to note..i am sam. and jason, sam, and micheal are 14. freddy is 13

Oh boy. We're in for a treat. Better get your roasting sticks ready! (And I fucked with the formatting again this time, because Sam does not know how to utilize paragraphs. At all.)

new friends part 1

One night at a school dance Sam was wondering around, she had just transferred to the old school and didnt have any friends yet.

How clever of Ms Sam here, to begin her story with a paradox. She illustrates here that her avatar is wondering around whether to refer to the school she transferred from as her old school, considering that this school is also the old school. Will she call it "my old new school," or simply "the new school?" How will anyone know what the dickens she's talking about? Will this ever be elaborated upon? Of course not, because otherwise it would be interesting and thus wouldn't be dissected here.

looking at the dancing kids she wish she had enough courage to dance. the dance went on and on and still nobody asked her to be friends or dance.

School kids are far more polite here than the ones I've known. Most of them wouldn't have let me be if my shirt was stained, much less if I were wondering around due to a temporal paradox. I sure wish I went to Sam's new school... I mean, old school. Fuck.

so sam decided she would just have to introduce herself to some kids. she looked around and noticed a boy her age in the dark corner. he had a green jacket and he had his hood over his head so she coulnt see his face.

On second thought, I'd rather not attend a school where it's apparently in fashion to pull your hood over your face. Not that it'd intimidate me, it's just that I've never been able to pull off the "medieval executioner" look. I'm more of a plague doctor girl.

sam walked over to the boy and introduced herself "hi, im sam, im new here, whats your name?" the boy didnt answer and didnt look up. sam didnt feel mad or angry at the boy for not answering her, but she felt sad. she slowly lifted his head and pulled back his hood...sam stepped back in shock, the boy had a hocky mask on. it was very unusal and creepy looking.

"Hi, I've never seen you before. You don't seem to like me. Let me manhandle your brainpan!"

"whats your name" sam asked again. the boy lifted up his head, sam couldnt see his eyes but knew they were staring at her. "his name is Jason, and he dosent talk" said a voice behind sam. she turned around and saw a boy a year younger than her with a hat and a burn mark on his cheak.

I don't know if I'm just hopelessly out of touch, but the fashion trends here are baffling. First hoods covering faces, now hats on cheeks. Unless "cheak" is some crazy slang word for head. Kids these days!

"my name is freddy" he said. "hi im sam" sam replied. a boy my age walked up and stood next to freddy. he was very very pale with black eyes and he wore a blue plumers suit."and this is Micheal" said freddy "he doesent talk either"

This was one of the first Google image results for "plumer." Finally a style I can appreciate! Somewhat.

new friends part 2 freak show

"so why does he wear a hocky mask?" sam whispered to freddy. "thats for you to find out later" smirked Freddy."uh ok" replied sam.

It's so he can't be identified once he slices you clean in half. Gawsh, get with it you stupid girl. Also, why the sudden change in tense?

then 2 girls that were the same age as sam walked up to her."hi you must be the new girl, my name is Ky" said a girl with blonde hair."hi im Kayla" said a girl with short brown hair."im sam" sam replied."wanna dance?" kayla asked sam. "im sam" sam replied."wanna dance?" kayla asked sam."naw im a little shy...maybe later"replied sam."oh ok, see ya" said Ky. Ky and Kayla left and danced.

This is where the lack of paragraph breaks starts to become vexing. We now have four characters speaking, and the only clues as to who's doing the speaking come after the quotations. Even if it had been properly structured, it doesn't excuse the fact that the whole scene is fucking pointless. "Oh hi, wanna dance? No? Okay." And nothing ever comes of it.

"so how come they dont talk?" sam asked freddy. "actually, im not sure" replied freddy. sam, freddy, jason, and micheal listened to music until a girl with short blue hair came up to sam."hi im malissa, why are you hanging out with these freaks?"the girl said.

Ding ding ding ding ding! Here we have it, the staple of all "new girl" stories, the catty girl who just shows up to emphasize how pure of heart the main character is in comparison! And notice how all the characters so far are immediately introduced by name. It's like a damn AA meeting.

jason looks down sadly, freddy was about to kick malissa's @$$, and micheal was staring at somting else, not paying attention.

Freddy not being the violent mind-fucking bastard we love makes about as much sense as him attending high school. Then again, I've been kicked in the at dollar dollar before. Hurts like a royal bitch. Even Freddy would avoid stooping that low.

"their not freaks!" said sam.

Sam lovingly narrates the effects of being kicked in your at dollar dollar. Your "not" starts to freak.

"HA! the guys are a freak show!!"scoffed Malissa."th..th..."studderd sam. "th..th..what?"mocked malissa. sam got up in malissa face and said "than i guess im part of the freak show!"

Behold, the sideshow's latest attraction! Speakfail Sam - the girl who can stutter a "th" sound!

new friends part 3 quiet walk

the dance was over and everone was leaving, walking in different directions to their houses."bye" freddy said to sam and left and michael patted sam on the back and waved goodbye and also left."which way do you go home?" sam asked jason.he pointed down a dark street."hey i go that way to! wanna walk with me?"said sam.

Yes, Sammy Sue. Follow the masked mute down the shady alleyway. A perfect plan. No, I'm not being sarcastic at all. Were this a better story, this is just before the part where she'd be hacked to bits!

jason nodded and they walked together down the street. it was quiet and dark...and sam really wanted to see jason without the creepy mask. jason tapped mher soulder, sam looked at him, and of course he said nothing."whats wrong?" asked sam.

Come on, come on! Kill the little whore already!

he pointed to some moving bushes."oh it...its probably just an animal" sam said scared.

God dammit. Literary blue balls time.

sam and jason becan to walk faster. the "thing in the bushes" sounded like it was following them.

I really, really wish she hadn't used scare quotes here. I'm sitting here thinking of all the possible things it could be a euphemism for, but I know you want to read it as much as I want to write it. Which is very little. Let's move on.

the noise was getting closer and closer! sam began to get really scared, she didnt know what lived in this town. "grrrrrrrr" came from the bush. sam grabbed jasons hand and squeezed know whatever was in the bush was gonna get her!

Well that's nice of her to trap him where the "thing in the bushes" could slay them. "This is my story, slave! If I'm getting killed, you're going down with me!"

jason looked at their hands then looked up befor sam could notice."GRRRRRRRR" the noise got louder then......freddy jumped out of the bush and scared the iving daylight out of sam.

Good thing she lost only one iving daylight. Must be Daylight Saving Time. Also L Saving Time, too.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA" laughed freddy." OMG YOU SUCK" sam screamed and began punching freddy."ow, OW, stop it!" laugh/yelled freddy.

One of the greatest slashers of all time (OF ALL TIME), taking physical abuse from a 14-year-old girl. This is why I never watch sequels.

new friends part 4 ring leader

Sam puts in her comments that this is the song to go with this chapter. You will never look at neither Jason nor Freddy nor Michael Myers nor Britney Spears the same way ever again. You're welcome.

the next day at school it was sams first full day and was pretty exited.

I thought it was Daylight Saving Time. Why would the day exit already? Discontinuity, another one of my pet peeves.

she had math class with micheal, gym and science with freddy, history with jason, lunch with all of them and all the other classes dont matter.

You are now picturing Michael Myers sitting at a middle school desk, staring blankly at his worksheet with calculator in hand. Then, Freddy is recording the characteristics of a fern in the next room. Jason later presents his PowerPoint on the rise and fall of the Ottoman empire. You're welcome.

the school day was over and sam and her 3 buds were talking untill malissa and a group of friends walk past sam saying "look its the ring-leader, the ring-leader for the freak show, hahahaha".

According to the Random House Dictionary:

ringleader [ring-lee-der]
-noun
a person who leads others, esp. in opposition to authority, law, etc.: a ringleader of revolutionary activities.

I think the word Malissa was looking for was "ringmaster." Unless it's that crazy teenage slang fucking with me again.

freddy slamed his locker and left school with out say bye to us."leave us alone malissa" said sam getting in malissa's face. "no ring-leader"malissa scoffed.

No ringleader! Freddy slame with out say bye to us! Sam hungry! Sam want eat Malissa! Then Sam find Jason to satisfy "thing in bushes!"

malissa and her group left. micheal patted sam on the back and handed her a piece of folded paper. it said do not open. micheal left and jason coulnt walk home today cuz his mom picked him up from school for the dentist.

Jason? Dentist? Isn't he supposed to have like a really fucked-up mouth? I mean, what dentist would touch that thing?

so sam was force to walk alone, wondering why she coulnt open the piece of paper micheal gave her.

It's fucking paper, you moron! No one's around! Just open the thing so we can get on with our lives! Oh wait, that wouldn't be "suspenseful."

new friends part 5 Extreme

-science class-

"ugh so far i hate freshman year" Sam complained. "yea" agreed Freddy. "arent you young too be a freshman?"asked sam turning on the burner for their expirament."i skipped a grade" Freddy said as he layed his hand on the burner."AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"Freddy yelled. "oh no" sam said. sam got an ice pack for freddy. "for a smart kid, your not very smart around fire" giggled sam."shut up" freddy scoffed.the bell rang. "tell ms. Howard im gonna be late for gym..i have to go to the nurse" freddy told sam as he left class."ok" sam replied.

That... was pointless. I have no idea what to say here. Let's move on.

-hallway-
Sam was walking to class when Ky and Kayla appeared next to her. "hi" said sam "ready for gym?. "nope" replied Kayla, "me either" said Ky."that sucks...what are we playing in gym?" asked sam. "uh i think dodgeball" replied Ky. "yay" sam said happily. "no not yay" Kayla said grimly. "why?"sam asked. "Extreme" is all they said.

Two thirds of the chapter already gone, and there's still no sign of a proper beginning, middle, or end. There's not even a slasher breaking character in this scene. Just stupid boring Sam with stupid boring Ky and stupid boring Kayla talking about stupid boring gym class. At least Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way said things that caught your attention.

-Gym-
it was dodgeball and everyone looked scared for some reason, exept one girl.

I think I'd be scared too if my gym was a gigantic dodgeball. Especially if it were the foamy squeezable kind. Dogs like those.

she wore a blue shirt with a big "E" on it. "whos that?" sam asked pointing to the girl. "thats extreme" said Ky

"She's the daughter of Radical and Flavor-Blasted. Guess which one's the mom?"

"be careful...she undefeated at dogdeball". sam gulped and dodgeball began. their were 5 rounds and extreme won everytime!

Finally, a character with some semblance of personality. Not much of one though, but any port in a storm.

"ow my face hurts"sam rubbed her face from being in in the face by a dodgeball.

Oh, Sammy poo, I'm sure your face hurts. 'Cause it's killin' me! *rimshot*

sam rubbed her face from being in in the face by a dodgeball. "its ok...that will stop hurting by tommarow" smirked Extreme "hi im extreme". "hi im sam" said sam

We knew your name. Everyone did. I understand you don't want to break the fabric of time and space by introducing yourself by anything but "Hi I'm [name]," but take a chance for once! You're Extreme, after all! Radical and Flavor-Blasted would be proud!

New Friends part 6 the fight

the next day of school after meeting Extreme everything was going fine, until Malissa walked up to sam. "so hows life Ring-leader" smirked malissa. "shut up and get away from me" sam scoffed.

While the dialogue still sucks, it's certainly a step up from "no ring-leader."

"uh....NO" yelled Malissa as she pushed sam into a locker."AHHH" screamed sam as she slid to the floor. "HA!" laughed Malissa.

Next time you're in a school, try this: Fall into a locker with the same force as if someone pushed you, then try sliding down it all the way to the floor. Without falling. This is more likely to happen if your gym is a dodgeball, but even then, it's still rather confusing.

"that was a BIG mistake" said a voice behind Malissa. it was Extreme and two other girls named Kim and Valerie.

On the plus side, at least we don't have to endure "Hi I'm Kim," "Hi I'm Sam," and "Hi I'm Valerie," "Hi I'm Sam."

"whatever" said malissa. Extreme cracked her knuckles and the 3 girls walked toward Malissa. "w...what are you doing" asked Malissa. the 3 girls began to punch Malissa. Extreme was punching her in the head, Valerie kicked her head, and kim pulled out her hair. after about 5 min. Malissa was beaten to a pulp.

What. The. Hell. Somehow three girls, one an athlete, all gang up on one girl, and are all attacking her head. On what planet would no teacher notice this? Where the hell are the teachers anyway? And how big of a head does Malissa need to have for four hands and two feet to assault it for five minutes straight?

"let me help you" valerie reached out her had to sam. sam grabbed her hand and was helped up. "well...no broken bones...thats good" kim said after inspecting sams arm. "thanks" sam sighed with relief. "no problem" extreme replied "anytime"

But what about Malissa? I mean, she kind of doesn't have a face anymore...

New friendspart 7 goodbye

the rest of freshman year went on fine. malissa didnt pick on sam but she still called her ring-leader and so did every kid in school exept her friends.

Seriously? After about five or so days of build-up, we get nothing? Just a flashforward to the end of the entire goddamn year? No one even got killed! And this section of the story is labeled as horror! If I had paid for this, I would demand my money back! But I still want money.

it was the last day of school everyone was exited for summer and were signing yearbooks. the bell rang al the school flooded with kids. the summer was gonna be busy for the 4 friends. sam gets a job at the ice cream parler, Jason is going to camp for all summer, Freddy is taking a rode trip with his family, and well nobody know for sure what micheals gonna do.

At least we didn't have to go through six more chapters to find out that nothing happens. Unlike now.

-sam and jason walking home-
"are you sure you have to leave for ALL summer?" sam aked jason. jason nodded, not talking as usaul."im gonna miss you, dont forget to write" sam said. she hugged jason and went inside her house. jason went to camp and freddy was somewhere across the country. the only friend sam had for the summer was Micheal....but he didnt talk either

I'm starting to wonder if this is even a story. I think she just typed up random stuff from her diary pages and Ctrl+V'd the names of the slashers in to appeal to the fanfic crowd.

New friends part 8 dead

it had been 2 days sense Jason went to camp, Sam was worried about him. he didn't make friends easily, but somebody would be nice enough to.

If being able to befriend a girl who pushed around his head the first time she saw him counts as "not easily." Which it only does in Stupidland. Nyeh.

Sam came home from work and she decided to call Ms. Voorhees to make sure Jason was ok at camp. "hello is ms. Voorhees there?" asked Sam. "this is her" ms. Voorhees said gravely. "hi, its Sam, is Jason their?" Sam asked.

Their what? Is Jason their WHAT?! We need to know!

"no...hes dead" replied ms. Voorhees."what? how?"Sam said in shock."he went swimming, he wasn't a very good swimmer, the counselors should have been watching him" ms. Voorhees said then he hung up.

I'll ignore the inadvertent sex change of "Ms" Voorhees there. She/he sounds oddly matter-of-fact over the matter of a dead son. Like she was just saying he got braces or something. Frankly, I'm a little concerned.

Sam stood there in shock, she dropped the phone, unable to move. she eventually ran to her room and cried on her bed for hours. until she heard a tap at her window. she looked up and it was Micheal. Sam let him in threw the window and he sat next to her patting her back as she cried.

Whoa there, girl! I know you're sad, this is a big shock to you, but you just can't go throwing windows around! Someone could get killed... oh. Right.

he said nothing but Sam new why she was crying.

Duh.

when Sam calmed down Micheal gave her a letter, it said 'you can open the note now'. Sam looked at the folded not that said 'do not open'. she opened it and red 'dear Sam, my life has come to an end...but your has not, live life to the fullest...I love you, ~Love Jason'.

In case anyone cares enough to remember the detail about the note (and I know no one does), this means that months ago, Jason wrote her a note announcing his own drowning. How this makes sense, I do not know. Either Jason decided to give Michael this little note to give to Sam just in case he died unexpectedly, and apparently he didn't think she'd know he was dead without it, or Author Sam realized just now that she completely forgot that the note existed and was sick of her friends bugging her about it so she just pulled this out her ass. Excuse me, I need to breathe for a second.

Sam sat in shock and kept on reading the words "i love you'. "Jason wrote this?" Sam asked Micheal. Micheal nodded. Sam broke down crying in Micheal arms....

Aww, Sammy, it's okay. All the little freaks get to go to Carny Heaven. Even you, "ring-leader!" Better hurry on up there now!

Also, in the artist's comments, Author Sam notes:

just to note: Ms. Voorhees is the cook at the camp

Somehow this is important.

New friends part 9 the end

Sam, Micheal, and freddy finished high school after 4 years.

Seems logical that they'd all be dumb enough to get held back a year.

Sam:went threw 3 years of depression from jasons death. she kept her job at the ice cream parler untill she got a real job. she dated a boy named skipper for about 3 years and but their relationship ended when their was no spark. she kept in touch with some of her friends.

Aside from the fact that she pulled time and emotions out of Jason's death to throw, this is, as they say in Mother Russia, "really fucking boring."

Micheal: after high school he moved out of town...he kept in touch with sam..but that was about it...2 years after high school he was declared insane but he borke out of the asylum and became a mass murderer...but police havent found him yet.

So, Ms Sam, you went ahead and wrote about eight chapters where absolutely nothing of consequence happened until one main character died, and then glazed over an entire series of murders as if they were this morning's donuts? What? Why? How? Wherefore? Oh, right. Because it didn't involve your bland-ass Mary Sue. You know what? I hate you, Sam. I hate your squishy little guts.

Freddy: lost touch with all his friends...he became a murderer and had died in fire.

Just like you should. Not the murder part, but losing touch with your friends and dying in a fire should suit you just fine. By the dead gods.

And that's where "New Friends" ends. But that's not all! We've still got "Dead Friends" to cover! Sigh.

Dead Friends part 1 season 2

-its been 4 years sence Jason died, 3 years sence Freddy died, and 3 years sence Michael was sentanced to an Insane Asylum.-

"c'mon sam, you will have fun" Ky said to sam over the phone."i dont know, i just wanna be alone" sam replied sadly. "you will never get out of depression with that attitude" ky told sam coldly."you dont know what its like! 2 of my best friends died, one is insane, and me and my ex just broke up!" sam told Ky.

It's been three damn years! Get over it! You still have life to live... much to my chagrin.

"forget about Skipper! come with me, Buck and a few friends, it will be fun"ky told sam cheerfully.

Don't lie to me. I know for a fact that you first thought that said "it will be funky."

"what place are you talking about anyway?" sam asked. "were going camping at an abandond camp, its gonna be sooo much fun!" ky told sam."fine i'll go...but-" sam said befor she was interupted by Ky."GREAT we will pick you up tommarow" Ky told sam and hung up the phone.

And yet Ky failed to mention where they were going in the first place? She still managed to beg Sam to come with her to a place she didn't even know? Huh.

Dead Friends part 2

-the next day-

Sam heard a car horn and looked out her window to see Ky, her boyfriend Buck, and our friends Kayla, Bai, and Kyuubi waiting for sam! sam was already packed and ran out the door to greet her friends. she hadnt been this happy for years, she was ready to put the misery behind her. but little did she know...it had just began.

Here enters another hallmark of terrible fanfiction - Japanese names where they just don't belong. The fact that they're just kind of thrown in there with normal English names creates a weird "Aeris and Bob" feeling. I don't like it. It puts me off my feed.

"hey guys" sam said to her friends and she hopped in the car."ready for the funnest weekend of your life?" Kylie asked everyone. they all replied with a "yes". "its about an hour from here" buck told us. Kayla, sam, Bai, and Kyuubi grond, it was bad enough being squised in the back seat.

Whoa man! I thought this was a G-rated fic! And suddenly our characters start to "grond," whatever the hell that means? Hello there, "thing in the bushes."

about a half an hour later the music turned off and a news lady began talking "dangerous young man has escaped the county asylum, he has killed over 10 innocent people already, he is a white male, with a blue jumpsuit, and brown hair. his name is Michael Myers. lock all your doors and windows and contact the police of any information about Myers".

You hear that little pattering noise, children? That's the sound of a wild plot bunny scampering through the woods! And it only took one whole series to get there!

Buck turned off the raideo. everyone,exept buck, turned at looked at sam. they were speechless untill Sam pasted out.

"It's okay guys, she's out cold. We can start talking again."

about 20 min. later sam woke up. "oh good shes awake" Kayla sighed with relief."where almost their buck said to the group as they passed a sign saying 'Camp Crystal Lake, 5 Miles'.

The site where they pass the sign is also where their buck says to the group that Kayla sighed with relief about Sam being awake. Where they got a male deer, I don't know, but this story is confusing enough as it is so I don't want to think about it.

Sam saw the sign and turned a sickly color."you have to take me home" sam begged Ky. "no way, we didnt come out all this way just to turn back!" Ky argued. "but you dont understand" sam began to cry. "sam whats wrong?" Bai asked. "tell us" Kyuubi asked. "this is where Jason died" sam said gravly with tears pouring down her face.

Firefox Spellcheck suggests that "gravly" is supposed to be either gravy, gravely, gravelly, gravel, or gravity. I'm somewhat amused by the thought of Sam saying "Gravy" while crying, so we'll go with that. "Gravel" is also acceptable, especially if you've played Chip's Challenge.

Bai and Buck dragged Sam from the car to the camp site. "NO!! I SAID TAKE ME HOME!!!!" Sam screamed. "NO" Ky told Sam for the billionth time "your gonna stay here and have a good time!". Kayla, Ky, Bai, Kyuubi, and Buck helped set up the tents and supplies. "im gonna take a walk" Sam sighed sadly. "alright, but i you dont come back within an hour...we are gonna hunt you down!" Ky laughed. Sam walked threw the woods, its was about 2 or 3 hours till the sun would set, so she didnt worry about getting lost in the dark. "finally!" Kuubi sighed with relief after putting up the last tent "im gonna explore for awile".

That's a weird name for a tent. "Im gonna explore for awile." I guess "Kuubi" is following celebrity tent-naming trends? If such a thing exists?

"ok" kylie said nudging closer to Buck. Kyuubi walked threw the woods, picking up sticks, and exploring.

She'd better pick up those sticks after throwing the entire fucking woods. Also, who the fuck is Kylie?

she stopped and saw a house in the middle of the woods, so she decided to go see if anyone lived their.

Watch out, Kyuubi! The three bears'll come and eat'cha! I'm sure they'll find your pseudo-Japanese flesh to be juuuust riiiiight.

"hello? is anyone here?" Kyuubi said after knocking on the door. an old lady opend the door and looked at Kyubbi angrly "what do you want?". "well i was exploring and-" said Kyuubi befor the old lady cut her off. "you shouldnt be in these woods!". "huh?" said Kyuubi very confused. "you heard me! get your friends and leave as soon as possible!" the old lady said befor trying to shut the door. Kyubbi stopped it with her foot "why? whats ging on here?!". "He just wants to be alone!" the old lady said befor moving kyuubis foot and slamming the door shut.

Come on, lady! "Kyubbi" needs to know what's ging on here! I ginged on once. Needless to say, I didn't sleep for days. Also, I find it odd that the lady somehow knows Kyuubi has company.

Kyuubi was so confused about what the lady said that she didnt even realize it was getting dark. back at the campsite Kyuubi started up the fire, Kayla and Bai were playing cards, and Buck and Ky were making out. they didnt even notice sam was still gone.

Sam is just that inconsequential of a character. It's kind of sad when the other characters realize this before the author does.

Sam walked down a small path and looked up, she dropped to her knees and looked at the abandond cabins. she couldnt control her emotions, as tears ran down her face she whispered "i miss you Jason". Sam stood up and decided to go back to the camp site...but she didnt realize it was dark and she couldnt see anything anymore.

Except for the cabins. I'm assuming this is because the cabins have a radioactive glow. That is mostly because I skipped a day of sleep.

so she just kept on walking until she camp to the lake. Sam sat on the edge of the water and looked down.

Would you look at this? Author Sam is so egotistical, that she gave Avatar Sam the power of sitting on water! And she treats it like nothing! Seriously, Sam, let's not fuck with Jesus powers here.

after about an hour, she noticed somone was standing right next to her.

I wonder how this played out...

Five seconds:
"Wait, what's that? Oh, just my reflection."
Ten minutes:
"My reflection looks kind of weird. Huh."
Thirty minutes:
"I'm feeling something against my sleeve... just my reflection."
One hour:
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT'S A PERSON"

she slowly looked up and looked and saw it was Michael.Tears ran down her face and she back crawled into a tree "STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!" sam screamed as she saw Micheal bring out his knife."MICHAEL IM SORRY!" sam screamed. Michael grabbed sams hair. "IM SO SORRY" sam sobbed.

I have only one thing to say here.

FINALLY!

-FLASHBACK-
Sam skipped to michaels house happy as can be. she knew Michael and his family didnt get along so she decided she would bring them some gifts.

"Here's a shield. And a taser. Just in case."

She walked up to the door and saw that it was opened, so she decided to walk in. Sam slowly walked in...she smelt an awful smell and looked at the floor. their were dead animals laying on the floor, she was about to run out of the house until she heard Michael's sister scream from the kitchen. Sam ran into the kitchen to see,Laurie, Michaels sister in a corner crying and a boy with a mask on and holding a knife about to stab her. Sam ran and tackled to boy to the floor and took off his mask. their under sam with blood-shot eyes was her best friend michael. Michael lifted up the knife and was about to stab sam when Laurie grabbed sam and ran out of the house. "run home sam" Laurie told sam threw tears. Sam ran home and called 911. after about an hour the police found Laurie and Michael. Laurie was taken to the hospital and Michael was taken the the Insane Asylum. Tears ran down Sam's face as she met Michael's evil glare.
-FLASHBACK OVER-

Bah! None of that nonsense matters! What the hell happened to the gifts?! You can't end the damn flashback without telling us where the gifts went!

"please dont kill me" Sam sobbed. Michael raised his knife. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed Sam. Ky, Buck, Bai, Kayla, and Kyuubi heard sam's scream and ran to the lake. when michael saw a glimpse of them he let go of sam and walkedack into the forest.

I Google-imaged "walkedack." A map of O'Donnell street in Dublin came up. It didn't clarify a thing.

Sam, huddled next to a tree, sobbed and cried. Ky, Kyuubi, and Kayla tried calming down sam, while Buck and Bai looked around. "what happened sam?" ky asked sam. "i...i saw michael" sam sobbed."what? we didnt see him!" Kyuubi told sam. "he ran off when you came! how didnt any of you see him?!?!?!" sam begged them. "i saw him" Kayla said emotionless

I love how Author Sam is trying to make this sound dramatic. "I saw him." Well of course you did, he was right there. You were just ahead of the group or something. I still need to find out about those gifts, dammit!

Dead Friends Part 4 Nightmare

Sam stagger to the camp site with her friends helping her along the way. she was crying and heavily breathing."im Worried about her' Ky whispered to Bai. "im sure shes fine, she probably saw some weirdo in the woods" Bai whispered back.

Kayla saw him too. Way to be observant, Bai, who has no other role in this entire story.

They arrived at the campsite. "I....Im gonna get some sleep" Sam said threw tears and staggered to her tent. she laid down on her lumpy sleeping bag and listened to her friends whisper about her...but soon their voices disappeared as she drifted off to sleep.

I had no idea people who were that bland could even get tired. I thought they just ran on a perpetual engine of monotony, like the stationary horses on the carousel.

-Sam's Dream-
Sam was laying in a dark room...it smelled burnt and charred. Her eyes adjusted and she saw the black room, she didn't see any windows or doors. Sam assumed a fire happened...it was so bad she could chip off the burnt flakes of the walls and floor.

"Oh my god, I'm trapped in here! Ashes, everywhere! No escape! Something burned in here! I think I'll just sit here and chip flakes off the walls. La di da..."

Their was a slight scratching noise in the corner of the room, there was a knife sticking out of the floor. curious Sam crawled toward it.

Good Sammy! Crawl to your death like a good little Mary Sue! End this now, before you start developing a personality.

"how did this knife survive the fire?"Sam whispered to herself. three more knifes popped from the burnt floor and shot out and grabbed her hand. attached to the knifes was a glove and an arm. Sam screamed and pulled her arm but she was still in its grasp. Sam pulled and pulled and began to pull it out. it was a man, his skin all burnt and evilly smiling. Sam stopped and stared in horror. "Hello Ring Leader"smiled the man.

What a ghastly nightmare! Her arm was grabbed in a burnt room! Le sigh. Even a six-year-old has more vivid night terrors than these.

-reality-
Sam woke up screaming and thrashing. Her friends rushed into her tent "WHAT GOING ON?!"Yelled Ky worried.Sam began to calm down and looked at her worried friends "what happened to your wrist?!" asked Kyuubi surprised. Sam slowly looked down at her wrist and saw four deep scratches...where the knifes had grabbed her.

Raise your hand if you didn't see this coming. If your hand hasn't been shot off now, then you know as well as I did that this outcome was obvious. You did.

So this is all of what Sam has written so far. She is still writing more, and I will still be watching for more stuff to snark on. Stay tuned, soldiers!

10 Signs You're Living in Trenchcoatville

2009-10-23T21:15:00.003-05:00

A trench coat is much more than a stylish piece of clothing. In the land of fiction, when you wear the coat, you must become the coat. Battle scars will appear on your face from out of nowhere, your skin will instantly become pale, and you'll develop the sudden urge to kill police officers. You become The Trenchcoater, an archetype covered in my "Characters That Suck" list. That's not even where it ends. Your entire city becomes Trenchcoatville, an entire world designed for you to run around looking like a badass.

But be warned. Even ordinary citizens can find themselves in Trenchcoatville if they aren't prepared, so pay attention to these signs!

1. The city is so rife with crime that the citizens are ultimately desensitized to seeing musclebound thugs running around with shark-mounted miniguns shooting lightsabers, but for some reason they all have a crippling fear of some skinny dude with a sword. They don't even have to know him, they'll just start cowering in his presence. If this guy is you, I hate to break it to you, but you're the hero. Better start brooding about destiny, and fast. Before they kill your sister.

2. Every single woman you meet has been raped, will be raped, or will need to be rescued from rape by the hero. And yet none of them ever think to carry a gun with them, or at least stop wearing so much damn makeup.

3. There is an extraordinary amount of white people who apparently come from Japan. Their parents must have hated them as well, considering that they have names that translate to "goose lechery" and "son of armpit." No one is aware of it. And despite all the references to Japan and whatnot, you will never find an ethnically Asian man. An Asian girl, if you're particularly lucky, but no men.

4. No one actually calls the city by its actual name. It's just "The City." Or better yet, "Hell." And once you leave, you're in "The Country." Nope, no suburbs. No towns. Infill? What's infill?

5. Brooding at the very edge of a tall building's roof is a perfectly normal thing to do. Never once has any citizen ever uttered, "Hey, that guy's gonna jump!"

6. It's surprisingly common to receive a single scar across your eye without your actual eye being damaged in any way. They are always said to be received in battle too, even though it's highly unlikely that a sword would ever be able to strike that area without killing you. So it's better to just man up and admit you fell into the coffee table when you were six and had that stupid Matchbox car that blended perfectly into the carpet for some reason...

7. The city can afford to equip their police forces with full body armor and unlimited ammo, yet won't do a damn thing about all those 15-year-olds carrying Daddy's sword into 7-11.

8. 20 shotguns, 3 Uzis, 7 sniper rifles and a huge fucking sword is considered minimalistic. And none of them need to be maintained.

9. If you happen to be a scientist, THE VIRUS WAS ALL YOUR FAULT. EVEN IF YOU'RE AN ASTRONOMER.

10. Destiny. It haunts you. Why are you the Chosen One? Why couldn't it have been some superhero, some police officer or politician? You're just some grizzled bastard who's had bad luck is all, and yet the whole world counts on you. These thoughts swim in your head as you kick down the doors to the building, the glass shattering with a mighty crash. The crowd stares at you as you make your way down the row. No one makes a move, fearing the grim look in your eyes that reveals unspeakable coldness... almost madness. When you reach your destination, you swing your katana over your head, crashing it into the counter! You look your target straight in the eye and whisper gruffly, "I'll have a Whopper with fries and a Diet Coke. No pickles. You wouldn't want to see face of the last motherfucker who gave me those fucking pickles."

The True Story Behind the Holocaust

2009-10-20T17:10:00.003-05:00

If you grew up in American schools like I have, you are all too familiar with the standard "Holocaust unit." You've got your Anne Franks and your gas chambers and everything's all a-torture and a-sadface. And a question that comes up a lot is, "How did anyone let this happen?"

Answer to that one is that everyone was into killing Jews pre-1946. It was just the Nazis who did it best.

But nah, no one's interested in the simple truth. They all want to know, "What's the deal with Hitler?" Then comes the wild mass guessing. "He was part Jewish!" "He was on drugs!" "He accidentally the whole bottle!" I'm not going to debate whether any of those are true, but neither of them are the real reason that the Holocaust happened. Are you ready for the truth?

Adolf Hitler had a brother. A long-lost brother named Kyle.

The entire basis of Hitler's reign was that he was searching for Kyle. Germany agreed to aid Hitler's search because Kyle was probably super-rich or something and could clean up the mess that the Great War left behind. Either way, he was the most important son of a bitch that history never recorded. Whatever, blame the Illuminati. But what does this have to do with the Holocaust?

You see, Kyle had blond hair and blue eyes, and was of pure German stock. After learning that Kyle was not in Poland at all, Hitler decided to undergo a process of elimination - get rid of everyone who didn't look like Kyle, then select him from the remaining populace. But why the Jews? Well, the Nazi party had already been attacking the Jewish population. Let's just say that Hitler was the first politician to deliver on a campaign promise.

But as much as Hitler wanted to help the Nazi party achieve their goals, he never let them forget what was truly important. At every one of his rallies, he'd remind the masses to "Seek Kyle!" Oftentimes he'd also indicate with his hand how tall Kyle was. However, due to the exact indications being mutated by people throughout history, Kyle's true height may never be found.

In fact, to this day, we are not sure if he is even alive. Nonetheless, followers of Hitler still demand to know where his brother is. Perhaps they theorize that bringing any direct relative of Adolf Hitler to power will bring about a Fourth Reich, a new age of glory for the Aryan race. Due to history being written by the victors, however, their message to the world will forever be misunderstood.

"Seek Kyle!"
"What?"
"Kyle Hitler!"
"Oh god no."
"No, no, not that. Kyle Hitler! You know. Seen Kyle?"
"Dammit Nazis, get off-a my lawn!"

The Fall of the Geek Empire

2009-10-04T18:58:00.004-05:00

There once was an empire, a beautiful empire. It had a hold on nearly every corner of the civilized world, and it showed no sign of weakening. Not only was it an economic powerhouse, the rest of the world would soon come to depend on it, and upon the skills of its people. This was the Geek Empire - a gathering of all geeks, nerds, techies, and so forth - a technological wonder that would define a millennium. The internet became the hub of communication, and it was good. Every form of media became digitized, and it was good. Intellectuals became idols, and it was good.

But it was all too good to last.

When the mainstream spilled upon the once sacred technological empire, it began an era of decadence and the inevitable decline. Strange social hierarchies built around the internet's instantaneous nature. Citizens became connected to one another not by common goal or intellectual interest, but by flimsy, superficial pleasure and false banners. How very Brave New World. As geekdom became increasingly popular, the defenses were lowered. The lines between the virtual and the physical became blurred. And it was no longer required of nerds to be smart. And the true nerds wept.

Generation Y, I am pointing at you. You were either not born when the empire rose to power, or were too occupied by football with Daddy or watching Mommy disappear into the limo to meet her "special friends." Either way, you do not know that geekdom didn't just fall out of the sky, ready to be played with by just anyone. But being the kind, open-minded people we were, we welcomed you into our ranks, letting you glob together across your Yahoo and your AOL and eventually... yes, 4chan. After all, we believed in freedom, sometimes bordering on the anarchic. You kept to your circles, and we kept to ours while still aiding yours. We would be friends, and would share the same bounty. There was no way of restricting it anyway without breaking our own unspoken Constitution.

Years passed by, and I began to regret that we ever made such a decision. As many of you were children when you first became citizens of our empire, you grew up to become rather obsessed with remembering that time. Rather than wanting to further the empire's goals, you began to chatter away about toys and games and even children's books (damn Harry Potter!). It became clear to me - nostalgia is the new opiate. Geek was no longer an intellectual, but a frivolous child-at-heart lost in their own little world. Just like a hippie. Internet culture does little to separate Geek Type Alpha from Geek Type Beta. When Alphas take on more Beta-like characteristics, the lines are even further blurred. Are you sick yet?

If you do not believe me, I invite you to examine such sites as My Life Is Average. It began as a silly parody of the more infamous F My Life, for people who live very average lives (i.e., people who spend an awful amount of time in front of a computer screen). A website parodying another website, hmm, seems appealing enough to geek culture. But when you examine it... dead gods! Harry Potter and Star Wars and ninjas and dinosaurs galore! Dress-up games and candy and superheroes! Parents who love the same! And how the masses gobble it up! One wonders whether Generation Y ever entered puberty. If I were a better philosopher, I would try examining the changing definitions of "adulthood" and what it all means, but for Cthulhu's sake I haven't even graduated high school.

It's rather funny, actually. Some Nazis theorize that the fall of the Roman Empire was caused in part by racial "dilution" of its rulers. As a Basement Trooper is always a Nazi's best friend, I cannot help but wonder what this principle means for the Geek Empire. Does the new dilution spell the end, or simply a new era? Can the old days regenerate themselves? And, most importantly, will nerds ever be smart again? Only time will tell.

On "Having a Life"

2009-09-24T16:45:00.008-05:00

One of the amateur debater's favorite stock insults would be the classic "You have no life." This is certainly far older than the internet, and I'm sure it was used even before the cavemen had a word for 'life.' At first, it looks like I shouldn't even be examining this phrase in depth. After all, people use it because it's easy and has no real prerequisites. All you have to do is find someone doing something you don't like, then accuse them of not having a life simply because you cannot believe they have the time to do such things!

But under this silly little barb lies a philosophy that any sensible Basement Trooper would find incredibly disagreeable...

Let us examine what would provoke the insult in the first place. Now, I personally have been accused of such due to things such as... criticizing things that I do not like. There are others, but that seems to be the main one. What is often said is something akin to, "Why do you waste time on something you hate? You must have no life!" In defense of myself, I say that it is because hatred is just as strong of an emotion as love, and humans have an internal need to communicate their emotions and thoughts. Thinking critically is never a bad idea either, and thus, criticism inspires others to improve themselves or at the very least learn what is good and what is not. Also, sometimes rants are just plain entertaining. Entertainment is a good thing.

My favorite thing to do when faced with the accusation is to ask, "What then, would qualify one to have 'a life', then?" Clear definitions have never come from any of the actual accusers, but I have interviewed neutral third parties about exactly what would make them accuse someone of not having a life. These were the most common descriptors:

Not being employed
Not being a member of an active community
Not having a romantic or sexual relationship at that point in time
Having hobbies considered by the mainstream to be unusual, or "weird"

Sounds like me just pointing out the obvious, right? However, notice how there is no definite qualifier for having a life. Just a random list of what it would take to not have one. This is like you asking me for the definition of 'human', and me replying, "A primate that is not a monkey." Also, one is not immune to the accusation even when none of the above apply to them.

It's not even that, either. As mentioned before, there is something strangely off about the philosophy behind this.

What is so bad about not being employed, if one does not need to be?
Simple - you are not serving anyone for the purposes of survival.
What is so bad about not taking part in a community?
You are not serving anyone for the purposes of accepting and becoming accepted on basis of a mere common goal. Therefore you probably make others earn respect from you.
What is so bad about being nonsexual, or unromantic?
You are not serving another person due to primal instinct or any emotional need.
What is so bad about having unusual hobbies?
Why, you are positively wasting time that could be used to serve, serve, serve!

The accuser, if he does not wish to be a hypocrite, must then "have a life." In other words, lives his life in utter servitude to those superior to him. I have a word for people like that - Untermensch.

Say it with me. Untermensch!

Despite the fact that my thoughts do occasionally explore themes of National Socialism, my version of Untermensch has very little to do with Hitler's definition. The only thing they have in common is that, in both cases, the Untermensch is considered beneath the level of a normal human. Like a slave. And why not? The Untermensch, after all, is a slave, only a self-made one. It is the choice they have made, and yet they cannot leave, due to their faulty philosophy that one must "have a life" through constant work and search of approval. They become depressed and lose self esteem if they cannot be a slave. They have no mind of their own, no motivation to improve themselves, seek enlightenment, or set goals that society hasn't already imposed upon them.

And they dare to call us lazy!

Common Internet Archetypes

2009-09-23T22:15:00.002-05:00

Yeah, yeah, we all know about trolls, moderators, regulars and soforth. But there are plenty of personalities that show up on almost every forum and network that have so far been undocumented-

Fuck this. No introduction this time, I JUST LOVE LISTS. Anyway, here we go.

The Flash
"Hey guys! I'm new!"
"WTF no way!"
The new guy who comes in, and for some reason, is instantly liked by everyone. As if by instinct, he knows the forum's protocol and how to craft the perfect jokes that'd appeal to everyone. He makes tons of friends, and his post count shoots up at a rapid speed despite only being there for a week. If anyone dislikes him, it's usually a long-time regular who's starting to feel underappreciated, thinking, "Who's this kid, and why the hell is he suddenly at MY level?" Grudges form, but the Flash is usually polite enough not to start any conflict with the grouchy regular.

Sickening Sweetheart
"UB3RPWN4G3_42 is mine forever <3 <3 <3"
"..."
She's dating someone on the forum, and will not hesitate to remind us with every single post she makes. Usually because it's in her avatar or signature, but that's beside the point. And not only is she in love, she's really fucking happy! Happier than a Care Bear doing somersaults through a blooming field of playful puppies and high fructose corn syrup! But when she's not happy, she's so so sad because "I MISS YOU MY LOVE" or "MY LOVEY HURT HIS LEG *sadfayse*". She loves flowers, candy, those god-forsaken heart emoticons, but most of all her one TWU WUV. And we hate her for it. So fucking much.

That Metalhead
"So I was listening to Nachtkult the other day..."
"Who's Nachtkult? Tell us, oh great one!"
It always starts with one. That Metalhead is known for, well, liking metal. He's not just a fan, he's the authority. No matter what he listens to, the forum regards him as having excellent taste in metal, most likely because they haven't actually listened to the bands in question and just find trust in That Metalhead's judgment. And funny thing is, there's always a chain reaction. As soon as someone is established as That Metalhead, suddenly a few more metalheads start posting. And then a few more. And then a few more. They just multiply for no apparent reason. Oftentimes, they derail topics to discuss some random band, but it's no one's fault in particular. Just part of the chain reaction.

The Sticky Mass of Friendship
"[gibberish]"
"[gibberish]"
The Sticky Mass of Friendship is not just one user, but a huge swarm of 'em. Whether they have a name for themselves or not, they'll flood everything in the Off-Topic section with their insipid inside jokes and giddy prattling. Moderators have no effect on them, as they haven't technically violated any rules and therefore cannot be banned. Even warnings are useless, as more members of the Mass always pop up afterward to continue the ritualistic slaughter of human intelligence. Sometimes they'll even create entire topics dedicated to "OMG THIS GUY AND THIS GUY", establishing a strange new forum hierarchy existing outside the confines of regular posting.

Asshole, PhD
"According to this dictionary definition and my years of experience as a... something, you are wrong. I win. But I don't care anyway, because I'm going to be a top scientist while you're still posting on this silly little forum like the idiot you are."
"MOTHERFUCKING AD HOMINEM!"
This guy takes the Appeal To Authority fallacy, and twists it around to be the Appeal To WHAT I SAY BECAUSE I'M BETTER THAN YOU. Often founds his arguments in supposed real-life credentials, despite the fact that there is no way to prove them. Even worse, the supposed credentials have nothing to do with the topic being discussed. They're just... there. Probably part of a Chewbacca Defense or something. He also loves bringing up old arguments as if they had any bearing on the current discussion. He and his adversary could have been arguing about military tactics six months ago, but he'll start boasting "OH I SO PWNED YOU THAT ONE TIME" in the middle of a debate about broccoli.

Cover Girl
"Uh... here's some pics from a party last night!"
"You are so HOT."
Funny thing about Cover Girl is that though she's considered to be one of the most attractive ladies on the forum, her looks would probably be forgettable in real life. As a matter of fact, there could be even prettier women posting, but they never gain the same amount of attention. Why? Well, because Cover Girl just has... the look. She may not be conventionally sexy, in fact she never is, but she just has that geekish cuteness that fanboys flock to as if she were the first issue of Spiderman. She doesn't wear makeup or skimpy clothes, but that may be why she's adored so much.

Mini Mod
"This topic should be closed."
"Um, no."
Mini Mod doesn't need much explanation. He's just constantly jockeying to become a forum moderator out of some strange craving for power. In every topic, he likes to pester the current mods about rules and users and other crap. Funny thing is, he's the least likely to become a mod because he just pisses the admin off so much.

Twilight Fanfiction Dissected

2009-09-23T22:11:00.003-05:00

Greetings ladies and gentlemen, soldiers and civilians. Tonight we sink our teeth into the exquisitely retarded "the precipe of love" by 'this deathly dark world'. It is a tribute to the famous Twilight series, which is a work so wonderfully personal to its author that when you read it, you feel like you're sharing her vibrator. Does "the precipe of love" measure up to these standards set by Stephenie Meyer? Can a fanfiction have the same quality as the original work? Let's find out... with commentary by ME! Huzzah!

By the way, I kind of fucked up the formatting so my comments would seem more clear. New paragraphs in the actual story will be separated by double line-breaks, unless I skip a paragraph.

The original is here: http://deathlydarkswan.livejournal.com

CHAPTER 1

It's raining again, i thought sadly.

The rain poured down from the sky on the hood of my mother Janice's red car; i was nervous because the rain always makes me think of bad things like dying.

Just a few sentences in, and I can already tell we're delving into a new realm of fantasy. Here, the author begins her story with an interesting piece of mythology - like the earth resides on the turtle's back, the sky is on the hood of Janice's red car.

i wish i wasn't here. i wish i was any place but this. i wish this wasn't my first day of school!

Here, the narrator proves to be a unique character... she is not a person, but a place! A place that wishes to be a different place! A place that goes to school! I feel like stealing that for my next story. Who wouldn't want to read about the Schwarzwald studying law at Harvard?

My mother Janice parks the car next to the school and i look up at the building. It looks scary, like a dark room with no lights. i ask if i have to go.

And in this snippet, we discover that the sky being on top of Janice's car can bend the laws of physics as it absorbs all the light from the school building. Now, if I were Janice, I would just get a new car so I could just let the sky rest in a field somewhere. But I digress. Also, note the unique physical qualities of the main character - she has to ask her mother to determine if she needs the bathroom. What the hell kind of sorceress is this Janice, anyway?

"Yes", my mother says sternly.
"Please" i plead.
"NO, you have to go!" my mother screams.
"Fine", i say.
"Go make friends!" my mother says; friendly.

Oh come on. Let the poor girl hold it in. But the mother does note the positive side; she can make friends with the popular girls smoking in there.

i get out of the car and my mother drives away fast before i can even say goodbye to her; i feel really nervous. i walked towards the school, which was HUGE and frightening. There are students everywhere, watching me. i look at the ground. My shoes are not as cool as theirs, i think.

"Hey new kid!" a boy shouts at me. i ignore him and feel sorry for HIM. i am stronger then HE is and i feel bad for him.

I feel sorry for HIM too. I'd pity anyone who unleashed the faggoty-ass "heartagram" onto MySpace pages everywhere.

"Go away!" i shout!

i walk closer to the school and the building looks ever bigger then before! My eyes pracitically fall out of their head as i look up; there are huge stone statues above the door that look like the ones at the end of Ghostbusters. i shiver.

And here she learns the valuable lesson that things naturally look bigger as you get closer to them! Also, her eyes have their own heads. That is really fucking disturbing.

"Are you new?" a girl asked me.
"Yes", i said, "i'm new here at this school!"
"LOSER" the girl screams at me; but i ignore her because i believe you should CREATE things rather than DESTROY them.
"Go away!" i say to her.

How can you be ignoring her if you tell her to go away? Congratulations, narrator! You've just CREATED a logicfail!

i walk to the school and open the door; it's HUGE and wooden and my arms are almost to weak to open it. A boy with glasses laughs at me when he sees me but i ignored him. When i'm inside i go to class. It was horrible. The teacher made me stand up infront of the class and say how i'm new and introduce myself. Everyone stares at me; i wish i was invisible. The mean girl from earlier was there as well.

After class i go to the lunchroom. All the tables are full and i look sadly around the room for one table that has a seat. There aren't any!

I can see why this school is horrible now. Especially since they can't even afford seating for their tables!

Just then i hear a voice suddenly speak from behind me; it sounds like an angle.
"Hi", he said. "Are you new here?" he says.
"Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes", i stuttered.

I'll ignore the talking angle, and the "he says" redundancy, because I find myself completely dumbfounded by the last line. Exactly how you stutter a Y consonant? Go ahead, try saying it out loud. It doesn't work. Unless you're Porky Pig. And as much as I love Porky, I still have to use the Logicfail stamp again.

"Don't worry, these guys can be jerks", he murmers. He has dark black hair and ocean blue eyes; his voice is like a singer speaking at a concert. He's perfect in every way.

Isn't that lovely. The angle is acute!

"Thank you," i mutter.
"Do you want to sit here with me?" he asked.
"Yes!!" i shout.
Everyone looks at me because i just shouted; but i don't care, because i have a new mysterious friend to eat lunch!

AAAAAHHH! No! Don't eat the angle! D:

CHAPTER 2

The boy with dark black hair and ocean blue eyes and i sit at a table all alone away from the other students. They all stare at us because they can't believe someone like him is talking to ME, the new person!

But I thought all the tables were full. O_o

"My name is Edward", he says, almost singing; his voice sounds so perfect.

Interaction time! See if you can "almost sing" that line!

i tell him my name. He says that's a great name. i blush. He smiles!
"You shouldn't let those jerks make fun of you" he sings.

Wait... what the hell is her name anyway? Also, I'm very tempted to make this dissection into a sing-along. Very, very tempted.

"i know", i said, "It's hard being the new person at school!"
"I know", he said, "I was once the new person at school as well. It was hard for me as well."
"Really?!" i shout then blush.
"Yes", he says, "My parents moved here from Forks a year ago and so i was the new at the school. The jerks at that table over there tried to make fun of me, but i fought them all; now they leave me alone."

I think they leave him alone because he's the crazy kid who sings at lunch, but let's not jump to conclusions.

He offered me a drink of his ice tea but i said no thank you. He laughed and drank it. We spent the next HALF HOUR just sitting at the table and talking, when all of a sudden the mean girl from earlier comes up to our table!

"Hey new girl", she says to me condescendingly. "Why don't you go eat outside where you belong?!"

BECAUSE MOTHERFUCKING JANICE DROVE THE MOTHERFUCKING SKY AWAY!

The other people at her table across the room start to laugh at me. i look down at my feet; her shoes are nicer then mine.

Why is New Girl wearing Mean Girl's shoes all of a sudden?

"WHY DON'T YOU GET LOST!!" Edward shouts at the mean girl. i look up in bliss. The mean girl shrugs and walks away.
"Fine; i'll get lost, but not before YOU get lost as well!" she shouts at us both.

Why is the... what is the... I don't even...

Also, stop abusing semicolons YOU WHORE

Then we went back to eating our food and talking. i decide to have a sip of his ice tea; it was delicious.
"Don't listen to that person", he told me, "She's jealous because of how pretty you are."
i blush scarlet. My face feels like it's on fire, i think.

"Gee, I think my face is on fire. Or maybe it's merely smoldering. Excuse me, my dear Edward, does it appear to you that I've spontaneously combusted?"

"T-T-T-T-T-T-Thank you!" i stutter.

"Perhaps I'll think about it later after I figure out how I've stuttered a hard T sound when trying to pronounce 'th.'"

"No problem", he said. Then he puts his hard pale hand on my arm and comes closer to my face; i'm a bit scared right now, i think. He opens his lips and says "There's something i need to tell you; about myself."
"What is it?" i whispered.
He looks around to make sure no one is watching. He whispers "I'm a vampire!" i almost fall out of my chair in fright.

AND THEN EDWARD WAS A VAMPIRE

CHAPTER 3

i ran through the hallways as tears stream fast down the side of my cheek. Edward is a vampire, think, what will i do? He is going to kill me!

YOU WILL BE KILL BY VAMPIRES. Bitch deserves it for raping semicolons.

i run down another hallway and into an empty class. There's a boy with glasses sitting in the back of the class; "GET OUT!" i shout at him and he runs away like a child. i sit down on a chair and start crying loudly. My whole body is shaking like a person being electrocuted. i can't breath. My soul burns with a lonely.

"My soul burns with a lonely." Is anyone else reminded of Chris-Chan for some reason? Seriously.

Suddenly the class door BURSTS OPEN and in the door stands...

the mean girl from earlier. She looked at me with cold black eyes and an evil smile. "What a surprise!" she said meanly, "i didn't expect to find the new kid in here!" Then she laughed a MALICE laugh.

She is standing in the door. Not in the doorway, in the door. in ur door, laffin MALICE laugh.

"GO AWAY!!!" i shout at her; i am crying so much right now. i feel like my soul is leaking all over my cheek.

"NO!" she shouts back me and laughs, sinister and suspicious.

Then i remember what Edward said before about how HE had been the new person at school and how the other people had said condescending things to HIM; the way he stopped them was... i try to remember... then i remember...

Sing-along time! :^y

"I WILL FIGHT YOU!!!" i scream and then i run at her. She stops her MALICE laugh and i slap her in the face; she falls to the cold floor and starts crying tears of SHAME.

"HULK WILL FIGHT YOU! HULK BITCHSLAP! GIRL CRY TEARS OF SHAME!"

"I JUST HUMILIATED YOU!!", i shout, "NO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

"Hulk misunderstood. Hulk just wants to be alone. "

The mean girl gets up but she's still crying and her makeup looks very bad. "My name is Christine", he mutters, "i am going to kill you someday."

OMGWTF transvestite mean girl.

Then she disappeared suddenly. i blinked.

Why didn't you blink her out of existence before? Would have saved us a lot of trouble.

Standing in the door was none other than EDWARD! His ocean blue eyes fixed on me and i melted into bliss. All of the MALICE was gone now, and now it's just me and Edward. i sigh a million sighs of happiness. i think i can hear a bird singing.

This is the guy she was afraid would kill her no more than a few minutes ago. The hell? Also, how lovely that the bird decides to join in on the sing-along. Not sure how it got in, but let's not start being logical here.

"You shouldn't of hurt Christine", he said.
"WHY NOT?" i yell, "You said to fight the people who are mean to you!"
Edward looks sad for a moment and his ocean blue eyes look like storms. "I fought football players, not Christine."
"What's so special about christine?" i ask, jealous.
"Christine is a vampire as well."
We stare at each other; the bird has stopped singing. Suddenly i feel very cold and afraid; i feel like bad things will soon happen.
"What do i do?!" i said, "i can't fight a vampire who wants to kill me!!"

But you just did, wench! "Hulk conflicted!"

Edward smiles happily.

As opposed to a MALICE smile.

"I WILL HELP YOU!!" he shouts at me, and then he holds my hand. Outside the window clouds appear and there is lightning.

And then we learn that vampires' shouts can summon lightning! Just like the Count!

"i hope it doesn't rain", i said.
"It's always raining some place", Edward murmers; it starts to rain very hardly.

"Hey there, Mr. Cumulus Cloud! Raining hard, or hardly raining?"

CHAPTER 4

My mother Janice comes to pick me up from school in the red car she drives; when i get inside all the other students stand in front of the school and point at me.

"There she is! Daughter of the sky-witch!"

"THAT'S THE NEW PERSON!!!" a boy with glasses shouts at me and many people laugh. i feel like a bird in a cage, i think. i wish they people would LEAVE ME ALONE! But i have a positive soul and their NEGATIVE opinions can't hurt me.

The same positive soul that was crying in an empty room and slapping vampires before. Right.

"Hi mom!" i scream.

"Hi", she said to me and put the car in top gear. We drove home at a great speed. The rain started pooring down from the sky and my mother puts on her whipers; the water streaks into rainbows.

I could make fun of the notion of water turning into rainbows, but anything's possible in Janice's sky-witchmobile.

The rain makes me want to shake, but thinking about Edward's ocean blue eyes makes me happy again! Sometimes love can make darkness turn into a smile, i think.
"What do you know about vampires?!" i ask my mother.
"VAMPIRES?!" she stops the car and shouts, "Vampires are NOT real! Why are you asking me this?"
"i met a vampire today", i said, "Actually i met TWO vampires!"
She looks like she is about to explode. "THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS VAMPRIES!" she screams, "DON'T TALK ABOUT VAMPIRES!" She puts her feet down hard on the car and it drives fastly home; i feel sick because we're going so fast.

But didn't she already drive home?

i think about why my mother would be so angry about vampires; Edward seems so nice and friendly. i wonder if she has ever met a bad vampire like chrstine, i think.

I think she's more angry at her daughter being a potential lunatic rather than actual vampires.

When we get home after our drive my mother parks the car in the street and yells at me again to never talk about vampires; i start to think she HAS met a vampire before. But i don't know who to ask. i decide to ask my brother.

i go to my brother's room; his door is closed so i knock. He answeres quickly and smiles a big smile at me. "HI!" he yells, "What's up?!"

"i need to ask you about vampires!" i said to him. He looks mad, like he is about to explode as well.

I'm beginning to think that this whole family is fucked up. Just check out that mood swing. Yeesh.

"VAMPIRES?!" he whispered, "Why do you think i would know about vampires?!"
"You're smarter then me!" i yell, "i thought you would know about vampires!"
"WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!?!" my brother screams at me and throws me on the bed, "WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!"
"W-W-W-W-W-What's wrong?!" i stutter loudly.
"Who told you my secret?" he whispers to me.
"Your secret?" i whisper back.
"Yes", he said. "I AM A WEREWOLF!"

You'd think his own sister would know. I mean, it's kind of hard not to notice a werewolf in your house. Unless your eyes have their own heads!

i almost scream from shock. i did NOT expect him to say that; i wonder how this happened and why it happened. "How did you become a werewolf?!" i ask.
"I don't want to talk about it!" he says and throws me out of his room and then closes the door quickly.

i stand in the hallway. Tears come down my cheek like rain; black rain. How did my brother become a werewolf, i think. And why does my mother hate vampires?! i think maybe a vampire made my brother into a werewolf!

How many times does this bitch cry in only four chapters? How many times has logic been broken?

i need to talk to Edward about this quickly. i go downstairs and ask my mother to drive me back to school. But before i could ask, the doorbell rings and i went to answer it. It was Edward!

"Oh my G*d!" i yell. He hugs me and i invite him inside.

"Oh my Gasteriskd!"

CHAPTER 5

Me and Edward sat on the coach and he said everything will be alright.

That's one pervy coach for letting kids know it's alright to sit on him.

"DON'T WORRY!" he said, friendly. "YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE AFRAID!!!"

"I WILL SCARE THE VAMPIRES AWAY WITH MY CAPS LOCK!"

"T-T-T-T-T-Thank you", i stuttered. Edward's ocean blue eyes are so powerful that i feel like i'm going to start shaking; i hoped i wasn't sweating.

The great ocean blue eyes of CAPS LOCK.

"No problem", Edward said quietly.
Suddenly i remember that my brother is a werewolf. i found this so worrying that i told Edward about it and i asked him for help. "WHAT DO I DO?" i whispered quietly.

Apparently the caps lock is infectious. Is it like AIDS? I sure hope it is.

Edward's ocean blue eyes turned fire red and he jumped up in the air.

Oh good! He found a 1-Up!

"Don't worry, my love!" he shouted at me, "i'll deal with your brother!" he said.

So then we both went upstairs to where my brother's room is; i knocked on the door and my brother opened the door quickly. "NOT YOU AGAIN!!!" he yelled at me. Then he closed the door quickly but Edward put his hand on it and stopped him from closing it just in time. "Let's talk!" Edward says like a friend.
"NO!!" my brother yelled, "GO AWAY!!! YOU CAN EVER UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A WEREWOLF!"
"Yes I can", said Edward, "I'm a vampire as well."

Werewolf, vampire. One of those things is not like the other...

My brother starred at Edward like he didn't believe him; i noticed that Edward was even more gorgeous when he was telling my brother to be quiet. "Who did you become a werewolf?!" Edward asked thoughtfully.

Who did you become a werewolf? Did I do you become a werewolf? Did Christine do you become a werewolf? Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do you did become a werewolf?

My brother told us how; he was turned into a werewolf by christine and the other bad vampires who live under a bridge near the elementary school.

Okay, I'll put on my srs face for a moment. Let's try to figure this out. Vampires and werewolves are, according to pop-mythology, enemies. Why would a vampire turn someone into a werewolf? How does a vampire turn someone into a werewolf? And I know vampires don't live under bridges. Trolls hate vampires too.

They turned my brother into a werewolf and now they're trying to kill me as well; i turned to Edward and almost cry. He laughs and tells me to not worry so much.

Exactly how did she arrive at that conclusion? Also, does anyone want to do a word count on how many times the word "cry" is used in this?

"OH EDWARD!" i scream.

What a powerful vampire! His shouts summon lightning! His laughter causes orgasms!

"Don't worry", he said, "Everything will be alright!"

Then he bent down and kissed me on my lips; i start to shake because of how cold his ice lips are; i wonder if lips are normally this cold, or if it's only vampire lips.

Um... you have lips.

He puts his hand on my scarlet red cheek and i feel like i'm on fire all of a sudden. My soul is like a bird flying out of the sky; a bird of love. i don't even remember my brother is still watching.
"I love you", Edward said.
"i love you as well!" i said back.

She's only known him for one day. Keep this in mind.

CHAPTER 6

It's raining again, i think. The rain is like the ocean; it's wet and everywhere. i wish it would stop rain; the rain makes me feel so nervous.

Maybe it'd stop if your mom's car stopped dragging the rainclouds around.

Edward is not like rain though. He is dry and cold and makes me feel SAFE, not nervous; i wish it could rain Edward from the sky instead of rain! The world would be so perfect if that could happen.

The increased insurance rates would get people spending more, I guess. Also, since when was rain not cold?

"Do you want to drive to the bad vampires and kill them?" he said to me sweetly.
"YES!" i said, "i want to kill them before the kill me."
"Okay", he said.

We drive in Edward's expensive car to the bridge where the bad vampires live and eat people; it's right near the elemtentary school, which means the probably eat children; Edward would never eat children.

When we get out of Edward's car the bad vampries come out of under the bridge and christine is with them. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" she screams, "THAT'S THE NEW KID AT SCHOOL!" she points at me.

Again we're reminded that our protagonist doesn't actually have a name!

"Be quite!" i say.
"christine, we're here to fight you", said Edward quietly.
"OH YEAH?" said christine with a MALICE laugh, "I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO SUCCEED!"

Then she ran at Edward with the other vampires but he was stronger and he fought them all and won; the bad vampires ran away back under the bridge and christine starts to cry. i laugh at her because she's a mean spirited person.

The big fight scene only takes one sentence. Rain and crying takes... six chapters.

"Why are you doing this Edward?" she says sadly, "Vampires are supposed to be friends!"

"YOU'RE A BAD VAMPIRE!" Edward screams, "I CAN NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH YOU!" Then he looked at me with his ocean blue eyes; i blushed scarlet. Edward came closer to me and kissed me AGAIN for a second time. christine looked full of MALICE and started to cry.

She was already crying, for Kommander Ulvhedin's sake! For a girl who's supposed to be so mean and tough, she sure seems sensitive about Edward not being friends with her.

"WHY DON'T YOU GET LOST!" i yelled at her. She goes away now.

Just think: This is the author's idea of a good insult, as it's been used about three times now. Just think about it.

Now it's just me and Edward, standing near the bridge near the elementary school. It's been raining this whole time but now it stops because Edward is here; he makes me feel so much less nervous.

He can summon lightning, cause orgasms, and stop rain. Faster than a speeding bullet!

He kisses me again and i feel like my soul is on fire with love; his ocean blue eyes burn brightly with fire as well.

HIS EYES ARE BLUE. OCEANS ARE BLUE TOO. WE FUCKING GET IT, YOU MALICE PIG-WHORE.

"Edward, i love you", i whisper softly.
"I LOVE YOU!" he says back to me.

But just then christine came back with even more bad vampires! They grab Edward and throw me on the ground; the bad vampires take Edward away and chrstine spits on me.

Another fight scene, plus a kidnapping, resolved in one sentence.

"YOU'LL NEVER SEE EDWARD EVER AGAIN!!!" she said with MALICE.

"YES I WILL!!!" i said.

"NO, HE'S MINE NOW!!!" said christine. Then suddenly she disappeared and was gone; i'm alone, by the bridge, all by myself. Edward is gone and i'll never see him again!
- (Emphasis mine)
Women are so fickle.

CHAPTER 7

After christine and the bad vampires take Edward away, i thought i should go back to school; so i walked home sadly in the rain and asked my mother to drive me to school. "NO", she yelled, "YOU CAN'T GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE!!! THERE ARE TOO MANY VAMPIRES AT SCHOOL!!!"

"I don't give a fuck about your education! From now on, you'll be a sky witch like ME!"

"B-B-B-B-But Edward was stolen by the bad vampires!!" i say loudly.
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT EDWARD!!!" my mother whispers, "I care about YOU, not vampires!!!"

Whisper with three exclamation marks, ja!

"FINE", i said and ran into my room and SLAMMED the door hardly. i go to the bed and start to cry tears of SHAME. i wonder what Edward is doing right now, i think. i hope he is okay and everything will be good again. i hope christine and the bad vampires don't hurt him!

Suddenly someone knocks loudly on my door and i almost jump out the window i'm so afraid! "Who is it?!" i said. "IT'S YOUR BROTHER!!!" my brother said. i get off my bed and answer the door.

"I heard Chrstine and the bad vampires took Edward", he whispered, "I need to tell you that i know where the bad vampires took him because they took me there as well to turn ME into a werewolf!!"
"WHAT?!", i shout as the tears on my cheek GLISTENED.
"DON'T CRY", said my brother and he gave me a friendly huge.

Whoa there! A friendly huge? That's a bit graphic for LiveJournal, don't you think?

"i know i shouldn't cry", i said strongly, "i know Edward wouldn't want me to cry! He loves me because i have a POSITIVE soul and CRYING isn't a positive thing to do!!"

Which is why crying was mentioned countless times in seven chapters! Positive soul my ass!

"I agree", said my brother. He sat down quickly on the bed next to me and patted me on the back. "CHEER UP!!!" he yelled.

"No need to cry after a friendly huge!"

"Thank you", i said and whiped the tears from my cheek. "i wish you had told me you were a werewolf before today", i said.
"I wanted to but I couldn't", he whispered quitely, "I wasn't sure if you would UNDERSTAND!"
"UNDERSTAND", i shout, "of course i would understand!!! Just because you're a werewolf DOES NOT mean you're a monster!!!"
"Thank you", he said; friendly, "Now we need to go save Edward from the bad vampires quickly before they turn HIM into a werewolf!"
i almost fall off the bed in fright! "THEY'RE GOING TO TURN EDWARD INTO A WEREWOLF?!" i scream at the top of my lung.

After all that yelling and crying, I can understand why she'd only have one lung left.

"Yes", said my brother sadly, "That is the plan."

"But then he won't longer be perfect!!!" i shout and more tears GLISTEN on my cheek.

The one good thing I can say about this fanfic is that this sentence captures the feel of the Twilight series perfectly, but without the purple prose. Good going, this deathly dark world.

"Yes, i know", said my brother, "We have to stop them."

Then we go downstairs and ask my mother Janice to drive us to where the bad vampires live. We have to be very bad and lie to her because she won't take us if she thinks there are VAMPIRES there, so we tell her we're going to school!

But... there's vampires. At the school. The fuck.

i would normally not lie to her like that but in this time i WILL if it means stopping Edward from becoming a monster; we are destined to be together and i can't let that happen!

A monster just like you said your brother wasn't. I don't even...

CHAPTER 8

My mother Janice drove my brother and me to where the bad vampires were living. Except on the way there my brother yelled "WAIT! WE CAN'T GO JUST YET!!!"

"Why not?" i asked thoughfully.

"BECAUSE", he said, "I need to get help from the other werewolves in this town!"

"Okay", i agreed. i asked our mother to drive us to where the other werewolves lived; it was at school so she didn't mind. She put her foot hard down on the petal and we drove at a great speed.

Oh, the car is a flower. With the sky on it. I'll admit, that makes for a gorgeous mental image, but that's probably not what the author had in mind.

i felt a little sick but i didn't show it; i believe in times of CRISIS you need to keep a positive ATTITUDE and not give into sickness or DISPAIR. Edward would agree with me, i think.

I actually have nothing to say here. I just separated this for emphasis.

When we arrive at school, we get out of the car and my mother smiles happily. "Have a fun time at school!" she says loudly; i blush because i don't want the other people to see me talking to my MOTHER. She drives away at a great speed and i turn to go to the school.

"HEY NEW KID!" screams a boy with glass, "WAS THAT YOUR MOTHER?!"

In this crazy vampire sky-witch werewolf world, there is also screaming glass. Screaming glass that can recognize new kids.

i ignore him and keep going. "SHUT UP", i said. His MALICE cannot tear me down.

Suddenly some of the friends of the boy with glasses come out of the school and they start saying more condescending things about me; i feel very nervous because there are so many of them. How do i fight this MALICE, i think. Suddenly my BROTHER comes running at them and he makes them go away. "LEAVE HER ALONE!!! I'M A WEREWOLF!!!" he screams; they all run away like children.

"Leave her alone or I'll sing like Edward! LA LA LA LA LA!"

My brother and me go inside the school and we go to the gym class. It's empty except for a few werewolves sitting at the front desks. "Let's go talk to them", said my brother like an EQUAL.

Desks in gym class. Okay, I'll accept that. But I can't wrap my mind around the fact that one can speak like a sugar substitute.

We walk to the other werewolves and one of them with glasses jumps up out of his desk and points at me. "WHY DID YOU BRING THAT PERSON HERE?!?! WHO IS SHE!!!"

What does this author have against glasses? This is really strange.

"She's my sister", said my brother.
"I DON'T CARE!!!" said the other werewolf, "WE DON'T ALLOW PEOPLE WHO AREN'T WEREWOLFS IN HERE!!!"

i feel very nervous; i know from stories that werewolves can EAT people, and not just for food; sometimes they eat just because they are full of BILE. i know i need to be clever; i have to do what Edward would do!

Here comes another one-sentence fight scene. Or a sing-along. Or... something. Also, when I'm full of bile, I'm usually not very hungry. Just sayin'.

"i may not be a werewolf like you", i whispered quitely, "But i still understand what it's like to be one."
"OH YEAH", the werewolf shouted.
"YEAH!" i said.
"FINE", he whispered, "What do you want?"

Werewolves seem to be easily convinced. There is nothing about this conversation that makes much sense.

"Edward the vampire has been stolen by the bad vampires who live under the bridge!" i plead, friendly, "And i need your help to get him back from them!"

The werewolf with glasses looks thoughful; i wonder what he is thinking about. i hope it's good. If he tries to eat me i hope my brother can fight him, i think. "FINE!" the werewolf said loudly, "We will help you!"
"YES!" i said.
"Edward is a friend to me", he says, "I like him alot."
"i love him", i said; my soul felt like it was as tall as a hotel, so big the people below looked very small.

She's on top of her soul now? Can she use an elevated soul to fly? No wonder she cries so much. If her soul even felt the slightest bit positive, she'd fly away. Ye gods.

The other werewolves jumped out of their desks and my brother and me all ran out the school.

Behold, the sequel to Snakes On A Plane! Werewolves In A Desk And My Brother And Me!

"LET'S GO GET EDWARD BACK!!!" we all shouted UNANYMOUSLY; the sun came out and it stopped raining finally. i felt really positive.

That's when her soul got another erection and propelled her to the moon.

We're going to get him back, i think.

And that's the end of it, actually. this deathly dark world has neglected to update her LJ with any more of the story, though she has posted a failpoem and other stuff. Hasn't posted since 2008, though, leading me to think she's dead, but I'll do my research later.

Anyway, here's my general consensus of this whole shebang:

The main character is this deathly dark world due to the lack of name, and this story is naught but wish fulfillment. She has been bullied at school a lot due to her constant mood swings and Twilight obsession (just check the rest of her entries), but deludes herself into thinking she has a "positive soul" by fantasizing that Edward Cullen will swoop in and save her from all the bad people with glasses and nice shoes. She probably does have an enemy named Christine in real life. Rather than think that the teasing is all her fault, TDDW hypothesizes that the only solution is that Christine must be a baaaaad vampire who eats children! I highly doubt that TDDW cries as much as her self-insert, though, and I think it must be a cheap attempt at producing drama and emotion, much like the wacky weather effects. Overall, it's not good fanfiction, even for Twilight. Because let's face it - where are the other Cullens? What the hell happened to Bella?

Also, Edward has brown hair and topaz eyes, not "dark black hair and ocean blue eyes." For someone who's read the book more than three times, TDDW doesn't seem to know much about it.

That's all for now, soldiers.

Characters That Suck - A Guide Against

2009-09-23T22:04:00.006-05:00

On the internet, it's become tradition for writers and critics to write guides against creating the infamous Mary Sue archetype. It's an archetype that anyone would recognize - a 'perfect' character who is an idealized version of the author. However, it can be argued that the Mary Sue and avoidance of such has gained far too much exposure on the internet, oftentimes leading amateur writers to think that their characters are good as long as they aren't the dreaded Mary Sue. This obviously isn't true in the least. There are characters who just plain suck regardless. At this point, no one cares whether they're based on the author or her fantasies, the character just sucks and someone needs to find a way to point this out in an easy Ctrl+V-friendly manner.

That's where I come in. Allow me to introduce to you character archetypes that just do not work, despite not being obvious failures to the author at first.

Example 1 - The Trait Buffet
Katie is sixteen and was born in Missouri. She likes to go on bike rides. Her favorite show is American Idol. Her first kiss was with her old friend James. She goes to Starbucks every Saturday and orders an iced mocha. Blue is her favorite color. Victoria's Secret is her favorite store. She's afraid of spiders and clowns. There are Beatles posters in her room. Her nails are painted orange. This is a story about her going into space to fight monsters.

What's wrong with Katie? She isn't a character, she's a Trait Buffet - a mishmash of quirks. These random pieces of information are neither interesting nor relevant, they're just sort of there for the author to tell the audience, "No, she's not bland at all! She has a personality, it's right here!" Of course, these tidbits might be useful... if the plot revolved around James meeting up with her at Starbucks to give her a blue T-shirt from Victoria's Secret and then going on a bike ride with her which is interrupted by rampaging spider-clowns who have stolen her Beatles posters. But as the last sentence of the example proves, it isn't. Writers sometimes forget that plot should not exclude character, and vice versa. If a character's personality cannot show up in the plot, then what's the purpose of it even being there? And how would one convey the Trait Buffet anyway? The writer would either have to awkwardly utilize dialogue (therefore telling instead of showing), or just leave it out altogether to end up with a completely bland non-character. It's too much effort, yet not enough. There's no point in doing it, yet writers still do this because they think that information = personality. Instead, let the character's personality be proven through the plot. If that can't be done, consider a rewrite.

Example 2 - The Straw Man
Chad is a conservative. Therefore, he murders gay couples and scientists because he doesn't believe in love or freedom. He also kisses a cardboard cut-out of George W. Bush. This story is about how Margo saves him from his evil ways... by getting him to vote for the author's favorite candidate.

Ah, the Straw Man. A friend of Author Tracts everywhere. This is what happens when the writer decides that neither depth nor character development are as important as The Ultimate Truth! Therein lies the problem - without depth or character development, the story loses all sense of realism and falls apart. Then we're not reading a story at all, just viewing the author's personal beliefs on a platter. If such beliefs are so important that realism must be forsaken, the author's better off just writing a blog. If a story relies on teaching lessons that just so happen to lean a certain way politically, then so be it. But at least try to have an understanding of the other perspective. Otherwise you'll turn them away, and thus have no one to teach. The best way to ensure this is to give the character representing the opposition valid reasons for being the way they are. It's not necessary to make them completely sympathetic, just realistic.

Example 3 - The Love Doll
Tatiana has long, shining red hair that reaches her boobies. She wears a magical amulet that wards off evil, and it glows against her boobies. She has a baby that she likes to hold somewhere near her boobies. In the third act, the villain poisons her, but she vomits up the poison which TOTALLY makes her boobies jiggle. The plot is... something. Did I mention boobies? Boooooobiiiiies!

The Love Doll is different from the other examples in that, in the best case scenario, she could be a totally respectable character if the author's writing didn't completely ruin it. Worst case scenario, she's merely a platform for showcasing the author's fetishes. Please don't do this. Members of the opposite sex are people too. Keep in mind that it's almost never appropriate to specify a woman's breast size, unless it's porn. And while the author may think turning his character into the Love Doll will make readers like her more, it does the opposite more often than not, to the point where a reader might even completely skip paragraphs where her name is mentioned to avoid the BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES. This doesn't mean that a character can't be attractive. Just make sure they aren't oversexualized. A way to ensure this is to find a test reader who is of the same gender as the character in question, and listen to any possible objections.
(Though the example specifies a male author writing a female character, it can go the other way around, though it's not nearly as easy to define in that case. Blame double standards.)

Example 4 - The WTFantasy
Tobias is half-veela and half-elf. He has black angel wings and can talk to unicorns. Check out his glow-in-the-dark eyes! Oh yeah, and he's also a vampire. This means he can have butt-babies with his demon boyfriend. His tears are made of pixie dust, and attract leprechauns. The only thing that can kill him is ground-up tulips and a saxophone. But this story is about getting married in Hawaii!

This character is a problem due to the sheer lack of reason. Not only is it unrealistic, it's incoherent, and above all, irrelevant. This is the fantastical version of Trait Buffet, only made worse by the total destruction of logic. Notice how despite being based off of mythological creatures, WTFantasy completely destroys existing mythology in favor of the author being able to invent new powers on the fly. Note how such powers have nothing to do with the plot either. It's basically magical Mad Libs. To avoid this happening to a character, forget about him. Create the mythology first, and then the character. Make sure everything has a sense and purpose. If attracting leprechauns won't come up in the plot, just leave it out altogether.

Example 5 - The Quixpert
Jane is a thirteen-year-old peasant girl in a little village far away. But soon after the village is destroyed and she's the only survivor, she meets someone who trains her to be a swordmaster, sorceress, captain, explorer, huntress, artist, pastry chef, mathematician, and showgirl! Just in time to save the kingdom and become a princess!

The Quixpert gains an unrealistic amount of skills in a very short time, just for the sake of plot convenience. "But they have a mentor!" is not a valid reason, especially if said mentor was just dropped into the plot to have an excuse to bestow all those skills onto Quixpert. The skills involved could be from any category, but a lot of them have prerequisites. For example, Jane can't become a swordmaster without, I 'unno, the strength to actually carry the sword. But of course, a Quixpert never has to build prerequisite skills, because we have to get all the boring 'realism' stuff out of the way to get to the happy ending as soon as possible. Sometimes the writer will realize this, but rather than bother with making things plausible, the whole situation is handwaved with "But her father had this skill!" or "It's the power of determination!" No, no. It just doesn't work that way. At least not without a lot of pain.

Example 6 - The Bland Boy
Larry is the baddest bad boy in school! In fact, he's such a rebel, he smokes cigarettes and talks back to teachers! Golly! I bet he even listens to rock music. But don't worry, as he's about to be saved by the love of sweet Sarah Beth before he takes her away on his motorcycle. How sweet.

All girls want Bland Boys, right? Well, there's got to be some reason why they're still being written as characters. As much as I abhor the word "cliche" these days, I feel it's the only word that can summarize what's wrong with this character. Not only is it cliche, it's not even a real story, just estrogen-fueled wish fulfillment. That explains why the relationship is so shallow and trite, as there's no real basis to it other than "Sarah Beth knows he's good inside!" Troofamatter is, women don't like it because they're in love with the Bland Boy. They like it because they're in love with themselves, and want to believe themselves to be lovely angels who can heal any broken man's heart. And, of course, we've got Unfortunate Implications. Long after happily ever after, we'd probably expect Sarah Beth to turn up on Jerry Springer. Yes, Sarah Beth, the bruises mean he loves you.

Example 7 - The Crucified Baby
Little Daisy was born in poverty, and her parents abused her terribly because they didn't believe in Jesus. Daisy never had anything to eat, but whenever someone gave her food, she never kept it all for herself. She instead shared it with her only friends, the mice. Then she got a terminal disease from playing with those filthy mice all the time. Though she knew death was imminent, she never shed a tear, because she knew she was going to heaven to be with God forever and ever.

Crucified Babies are to glurge as Straw Men are to author tracts. These sad little children in horrible circumstances should just tug at your heartstrings... but they don't. And you feel like a heartless bastard until you realize that the Crucified Baby is, in fact, impossible for anyone to sympathize with. And then you realize that it's the author who's the heartless bastard for trying to manipulate you like that. But I digress. The reason why the Crucified Baby is ineffective is that the writer doesn't realize exactly how sympathy works. The reader has to identify with a character first before actually feeling anything for them, which is why such contrived set-ups of melodrama have no real effect. Not only that, but Crucified Baby's condition oftentimes seems oddly derived. Rather than come up with original tragedy, the writer falls back on dead or abusive parents, poverty, illness, and generally things that stopped being considered innovative as soon as chimneysweeps fell out of style. However, this archetype can be extremely awesome if it's played for laughs.

Example 8 - The Trenchcoater
Grimfist McShadowfuck is a mysterious loner with a mysterious past. He wears a black trenchcoat and sunglasses, and though he's handsome by design, he has a defining scar across his face that keeps him from being too pretty. He has seven katanas, ALL OF WHICH ARE COOLER THAN YOU. Even though it's supposed to be set in a future with shark-mounted miniguns shooting lightsabers, HE HAS KATANAS BECAUSE THEY'RE COOLER THAN YOU GODDAMMIT. Oh yeah, and he never smiles or cries, because emotions are for stupid babies who watch Barney EEEWWWWWW. But brooding's okay, because Batman does it. Yeah.

The Trenchcoater has become a plague of both roleplays and sequential media, just because of how awesomely banal the archetype is. All he's ever good for is just looking cool. That's it. His fight scenes, his dialog, his backstory, his personality, are all there just to make him look cool. Of course, the writer doesn't think this at all. The writer oftentimes thinks that their Trenchcoater is "deep", "dark", "complex", and pretty much every adjective that can be pulled out of a review of Watchmen. And why bother actually coming up with decent character development when he can just have Grimfist McShadowfuck stand around brooding over nothing of consequence? It's all so awesomely banal. I won't go too in-depth in regards to the Trenchcoater, just because it's so easy to fix just by giving the character a personality, or at the very least trading in the katanas for more sensible weapons.

Example 9 - Mary Jew
Rachel was a sweet, innocent girl with a strong heart and fiery personality. But then, Hitler came to power, so the poor little Jewess had to be shipped off to a concentration camp. Oh, woe is she! But then one of the Nazis falls in love with her, so they escape and live happily ever after. War? What war?

Despite the name, this type has very little to do with the Mary Sue, aside from altering an established canon. The canon just happens to be world history. This is less a character problem, and more of an EVERYTHING problem. There is so much wrong with it, that I don't even know where to begin. And yet I've seen it so many times, from silly young women who felt "inspired" during the mandatory Holocaust unit in history class. Why? There's the "forbidden love" angle, which so many teenagers adored since they first heard an MCR song. But why the Holocaust? Why a Nazi love interest? Why anything? For once, I have no explanation. But what I do know is that writing a Mary Jew is nothing but a slap in the face to every human being who has suffered during that time in history. "Oops! Sorry so many of your people got killed! Too bad you couldn't be pretty or special enough to find twu wuv with your captor like Mary Jew!" If something like this had actually happened, I might let it pass. Truth of the matter is, it didn't. It couldn't have. But I'm sorry for being so serious. If you had ever thought about writing Mary Jew, don't despair. Maybe one day you can write a story about a girl who avoided dying on 9/11 because the terrorist who loved her gave her a parachute in time.

Example 10 - Emperor Pancakes
The recipe for Emperor Pancakes is as follows: 1 1/2 cups evil, 2 cups henchman cannon fodder, 3 teaspoons pseudo-fascism, and a pinch of impenetrable fortress. Add enough water to dissolve any possible chance of subtlety. Cook for only a minute, leaving it nice and battery and only a fourth done. Garnish with a triumphant hero whose only purpose is to destroy it all and turn everything good again. Voila! Emperor Pancakes!

Why the random recipe example? Because even writing a description of Emperor Pancakes would be boring! We've seen it a thousand times! The only purpose of him is to be evil, evil, evil, so we'd all cheer as the protagonist defeats him. But therein lies the problem - we can't properly cheer, seeing as we never get a proper glimpse of what Emperor Pancakes actually does. Besides being evil, evil, evil, that is. Whether he's a dark lord or a dictator, there has to be some reason why he has this ridiculous empire of Redshirts, and how it came to be in the first place. A description of his motivation, or at least a probable history behind him. After all, you wouldn't create a protagonist whose only purpose was to be good and holy. We all know he needs flaws. So why shouldn't your antagonist get the same treatment? Have some fun creating his little government, carving out a place for every officer and mook. Do some research into politics, for fact-checking at the very least. If you're not willing to do that, then what the hell are you doing writing about an empire? Go make breakfast.

So yeah, that's pretty much it. ('-' )